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Not getting enough family time (long, sorry)
Yes, I am a semi-regular poster and don't want to out myself. Sorry.
On the weekend, H likes to do yardwork or work on various non-kid-friendly projects. I go to a meetup group and I am usually the only one who is there without a spouse. He has our DC(s) for a couple hours a day since I have a long commute and he usually puts something together for dinner so I swear he is not a total tool. And if I ask him to go to a festival or the park, he goes but I always feel like I am putting him out a little. When I ask him about it, he says there are things that need to get done and that he needs downtime too. On the weekends I spend all my time with DC(s). When I want to go do something on the weekends, he is always fine with it (does not happen often). I go out with my childless friends about 1X per month after work. He likes yardwork and does not want to outsource. We both work full time.
I just wish he wanted to do more as a family, as that is what I thought my life would be like at this point. I picture all my friends with little ones (none local) and hear about all the family time they spend together.
So I am faced with once again going to festivals alone (with DC(s)) this weekend and just feeling bummed about it. Part of the problem is that I don't have other mom friends and the acquaintaces that I have spend the weekend with their DH's!
He talks a lot about going to amusement parks, etc., so I think maybe we are just in the hard years and it will be better down the road.
Before kids we pretty much did our own thing on the weekend and now he still does, and I don't.
Do others spend most of the time as a family and does anyone have any suggestions for me?
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Re: Not getting enough family time (long, sorry)
I can understand both sides. Have you tried to designate one weekend day as "family day" and the other day you can each do your own thing? Would your husband agree to that?
generally the same here - when I take DS to a class or something, it's all me. We only go out as a family if DH has errands to run (b/c he doesn't drive) or we go out to dinner. I haven't ventured to do too much with DS often b/c I'm tired (I work FT, DH is a SAHD and goes to school PT at night) and need some downtime. I think that's why I always sign up for some class on the weekends - so I feel like DS gets to do something and it's not just us sitting around the house.
Your DH sounds a lot like mine. Physical activity relaxes him, whether it's yardwork or home improvement. There's a lot of benefits in that situation - it's healthy and it saves money. That means we take turns with DS so that we make time in the weekend for all - some time for him, some time for me, and some time for us as a family. I think it sets a positive example that we can do things independently as well as together and gives us something to talk about at the end of the day.
Your DH also goes out with you for family activities, no? Is the concern that he goes, but has an attitude about it? Or that he doesn't show initiative to plan these activities? Or that too much of the weekend childcare burden is falling on you?
I think the key here is figuring out what you want from your DH and then asking for it explicitly. "It would be great if you would come with us to Festival in the morning, and then in the afternoon I will do X with the kids so you can do Y."
we are in the same boat, every weekend it was "I gotta mow the lawn" until I found a lawn guy (same one smabc uses) and now he has less excuses; he is not a very social guy and I get it. I can't take both kids to activities by myself so he is sort of forced to come along more often, or sometimes he stays home with DS. I do think once the kids are older, it'll get better.
Can you try to put something on the calendar once every couple weeks that's dedicated family time?
Yes, he does go with us and seems to enjoy it but never initiates anything. He is somewhat of a loner; he is social enough when we get together with others. Also, he just assumes that he is going to be able to do x, y and z on the weekend and that I will take care of the childcare. He is always at home doing his activities and not spending a lot of money or partying or anything like that, so that is certainly a plus. Part of the problem is that we have no family nearby and I have no good friends with children (and the good friends I have are not all that interested in children, which is fine, but not helpful).
I think I will make him more aware of my feelings and see about the one day a weekend thing or even, one activity out one day.
These responses already make me feel better.
It sounds a lot like my situation, but I have 2 toddlers and I only take them out without my DH if I am going with another mom and her child or children. DH is a total homebody and I have suggested he go out with his friends more than once but he almost never does. He also has never suggested we do anything with the kids on the weekends. When I make a suggestion, he sometimes says, "well, okay, but then I don't know when I will have time to do X." And my response is something like, "X doesn't matter to me. . . "
Growing up we spent a lot of time together as a family so I expected the same thing when I had kids. So far, it hasn't really happened but my youngest just turned one (and we are done with 2 kids!) and now that bottles are done and he is walking and active, I think we will have more family adventures soon. I had heard that if you have 2 close together, once you get through the first year, it gets easier. I'm not convinced of that yet, but I am hopeful.
I like the idea of seeing if DH will commit to one outside activity a weekend and I think I will try it myself.
This could by my H for sure. Granted, due to daycare, we are trying to not spend money just for the heck of it, but even getting out to take a walk can feel like pulling teeth sometimes. Once he's out, he enjoys himself. My H's thing is video gaming, and so we have made a deal that on week nights, no gaming until DS goes to bed. On the weekends it's more of a challenge if there isn't anything planned to do, because if he had it his way, he would sit in front of his damm computer all day long and into the night. I'd suggest setting up something and letting him know a few days before the weekend hits. I like the PP suggestion of letting him have part of the weekend to do his thing. You're not alone in this. I think a lot of our generation's men today are just self-centered teenage boys wearing mens' clothing.
mine are 20 mos apart and DS is almost 15mo old and we are almost there...
This may sound naive, but does he know how you feel? I've realized that since DD I haven't been communicating with DH about what would really make me feel loved. We had some good conversations about how our needs have changed lately (i.e., while I like that he makes lunches, I'd rather just have some cuddle time on the couch when she's asleep). DH had no idea he was hurting me by not spending time together.
Definitely let him have his own time, but if you are in this together, there is no reason why you should feel guilty or push your needs aside.
This is a tough one. My DH and I come from very different families. My family is very close - growing up everyone sat at the table and ate dinner together, we went on vacation as a family, I went to my brother's soccer games and he went to mine, etc. My husband's family is pretty much the exact opposite. So his expectations of what "family life" are like and what mine are, are fairly different.
One thing that we have done is on Thursday evening we talk about the weekend, what he would like to do, what I would like to do and now, what we would like to do as a family. This way we can figure out a way for everyone to get at the least, a little of what they want.
As for your DH planning a family outing, you can express to him that you would like this, but you may also want to pick your battles. I know with my DH, he just isn't a planner. Perhaps this is the case with your's as well?
Are you bothered mostly that he never initiates? Truthfully, my DH has no idea what is going on in the wider world so it's harder for him to initiate and plan. I am the one on the Bump, subscribed to listservs, etc. and have access to that information. Generally I make the schedule, and I ask if he wants to join in, if he does great, if he doesn't, I try to invite someone else to come along or go solo. On occasion I get frustrated that he doesn't initiate, but truthfully, I like the planning part, and it lets me choose activities that I particularly enjoy.
I will say, I do have a lot of friends with kids my LOs ages and sometimes it's great to get together, but mostly we do things on the weekends with my child-less friends because their schedules are so much easier to mesh with. Perhaps when we are out of the daytime nap and before we hit the weekend sports we'll be in the golden zone of hanging out with them but I am not convinced ti will happen.
You are definitely not alone. My family has some similarities. As far as the planning, I've just come to accept that I am the planner in the family and that I probably always will be. I'm the one on the message boards and looking on the internet for enriching activities for the LOs as well as things to do as a family. DH just isn't the kind of person to seek those things out and make them happen. He will usually go along with the plans but in cases where he doesn't want to, sometimes I'll go on my own or with one of my single friends.
Personality-wise, DH is an introvert and I'm an extrovert. So, I know he needs some alone time on the weekends whereas I am energized by doing activities. Also, I easily get cabin fever if we don't do anything on the weekend whereas he is fine to stay at home. I guess for us it's a balancing act of making sure both people are satisfied in the relationship while recognizing that we have different personalities.
I don't really have any good advice other than to try and make your feelings known and to remember that these types of things tend to have hills and valleys. I hope it gets better for you.