What can I even say?

Tina224 · August 2011

So my hope was that we would have conceived already and my mom would retire and be our child care. Well mom retired almost a year ago and no grandchild to watch. So she decided she's bored and wants some extra money so she got a job babysitting 2 days a week for a 8wk old. It's all she talks about. Today she told me...

"I just feel so good about this. X and X both lost their moms and now I'm like a mom to them. And now I have a grandson"

I cried. I didn't even know what to say to her. I was kinda snippy when I said "well sorry I can't provide you with a real grandchild" and she just said "Oh, it will happen it god's time". Which gets me going even more because she knows I don't have a religious bone in my body.

I mean, how can I deal with this when my own mother makes these types of comments?

Llamamama · August 2011

I think you have every right to be upset! I wish I could give you some good advice..perhaps some snappy comebacks to say to your mom..but I don't think that would help you feel better. I'm so sorry..Big hugs to you..

UOduckBride2be · August 2011

I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. It sounds exactly like my mom and unfortunately I have no good ideas on how to deal. She was waiting to retire, waiting for me to get pregnant and continued working an extra 2 years, telling me all the time how much she wants to retire so we NEED to get pg. so she can be a "granny nanny". Then she proceeds to tell me about how she is the surrogate grandma to these babies who I don't even know and how she spends all this time with them, WTF! Oh, and she tells anyone who will listen about my IF, because she thinks it affects her as much as me because it is keeping her from being a grandma. I get random "thinking of you and your situation", and "praying for you" from people who know my mom that I hardly know at all. I had to have a sit down with her and let her know that it is inappropriate and she still didn't get it.

You might just want to tell her how it makes you feel and tell her that it's great that she can have her baby-fix, but that it hurts you to hear about it and that from now on you don't want any of your converstations to be about pregnant people or babies. Good Luck!

Country Girl in the City · August 2011

That really hurts. I am so sorry.

GracieBlue · August 2011

Ohh - that stings. I am sorry you have to hear that. My mom pulls that garbage on occasion as well. "oh so and so have the most beautiful children - oh they are so blessed" blah blah blah. I have just gotten to the point I tell her "I would rather travel".

lindaeverly · August 2011

Oh man that sucks!!!! I swear that people just have no clue sometimes! DH & I got into a discussion with his parents at dinner last night. MIL said "just relax & it'll happen". I snapped a little bit & reminded her that the doctor's appointment that she had to drive me to after my neck surgery was the RE & that I wouldn't be going to a RE if it was as simple as "just relaxing"! After they left, DH said that she was just trying to be supportive & that most people just don't know what to say. I told him that I was letting him know & to tell as many people as he needed to that you NEVER tell people that are having issues TTC to "just relax" & that it was one of the most frustrating things to hear.

I'm sorry that she's not more sensitive to what you're going through. You always have us though. ((hugs))

jennasita · August 2011

Sorry. I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you...

BeckyP005 · August 2011

Thats sad...I'm sorry. Don't know what to tell you to make you feel better. My mom is the opposite which is sad at times. My childhood friend just had a baby and my mom who loves babies doesnt ever say much to her. Nothing mean but nothing really good. I think she's just sad about me and knowing she will prob never be a grandma...sigh

Tina224 · August 2011

The thing that kinda gets me is that my younger brother and his wife announced early in their marriage that they do not want kids. (which is probably a good thing since my SIL is a self-centered princess who couldn't deal with having to buy diapers instead of a Louis Vuitton puse) But no one gives them any hassle and instead all the pressure for grandkids is on me.

shyntrue · August 2011

((Hugs)) No advice, but I feel your pain.

ELF4321 · August 2011

I'm really sorry your mom said something that hurt you. When I told my mom we were ttc two years ago, she actually told me that she didn't want me to have kids because she didn't like the idea of having grandchildren that lived so far away. Now that my mom is gone, I just keep thinking through this whole ttc journey that she didn't want me to have kids. I know she probably didn't really mean that, but that was the last discussion we had on the subject and it sucks. I think you should tell your mom how her comments make you feel. Maybe it won't change anything, but maybe she'll try harder to be more thoughtful in the future.

shari2010 · August 2011

I'm so sorry! I know how you feel! My SIL had a baby 15 months ago and whenever my mom holds her she looks at me and says HURRY UP! I get so upset and when I tell her she says she's sorry and just wants me to be happy. Whenever I see mt FIL he ALWAYS asks do you have any good news for me?? I'm so tired of it all too! I'm here for you! We need to stick together. A gentle hug to you!!!

klm195 · September 2011

Sorry to hear about the comments your Mom is making.

Sometimes I think our parents just say something without realizing how it really sounds. I'm hoping she wasn't saying it to upset you. My Mom's best friend is impatiently waiting for my DH and I to have a baby because she will become an honorary Grandma (her son doesn't have children and never will). As if I don't feel enough pressure from my parents and my IL's - I have her as well. But I know she's not hinting on us having a baby soon to hurt me, but because she knows it's something my DH and I want almost more than life it's self.

I hope things get better and your Mom starts to realize that what she is saying isn't helping, but hurting you more.

benoitfan · September 2011

I'm so sorry. Mother's don't realize how insensitive they are. There are times when my mother is nasty, when she thinks she's being supportive and encouraging about me losing weight. When she gets like that, I tell her "my mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all, so SHUT UP!" When I tell her that, she kinda snaps out of it. Then I go on to explain, that if she wants to be supportive, she should be positive and not mention the negative things she sees. You should get your mom's undivided attention and tell her how upset you are. Ask her to imagine what it would have been like had she not been able to have you and provide her parents with grandchildren? Tell her that you are happy she has found an enjoyable babysitting gig, but that her talking to you about it isn't sharing, it's cruel. GL

arevere · September 2011

Wow, that really stinks. My mom says hurtful things all the time, so I totally understand.

Now I just don't talk to my mom about IF at all. I don't think she really cares if we have kids, she just feels left out that all of her friends have grandkids and she doesn't.

You have to protect yourself from selfish, inconsiderate people. Put up a wall and don't let her into that part of your life for awhile. Hopefully she'll see how hurtful she's being.

What can I even say?

Re: What can I even say?

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