Parenting
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Would you want your 4 y.o. child to visit their father in jail?
I might DD this later.
Not only does STBXH want to fight the divorce, he wants to fight on our DD going to visit him in jail. I'm dead set against this. Not to do with the fact of what he did to me, but because I don't think it is appropriate at her age to go into that environment. I don't want her to have those memories. WWYD?
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Re: Would you want your 4 y.o. child to visit their father in jail?
That's a big fat FUCKNO!
Actually, I thought about this some more and I think my answer is maybe.
I was 10 when my dad went to jail and I was soooo scared for him. I think if I had gone to visit, I would have realized it's not the "big bad place" that is portrayed on TV. He was in minimum security, etc.
So it might have made me feel better to see him.
But I was 10. Not 4.
I don't know. I think I would be inclined to call a counselor and get their take on what would be best for her!
I voted "maybe." I think I have a skewed perspective because I have stepchildren who were really alienated from DH and I have the "but he's their father" mantra going through my head at all times.
There must be other kids who visit parents in jail. . . perhaps there is a meeting place for parents/children that is not as "hard" as other visitations in jail.
But I'm torn, so that's why I voted "maybe."
All valid points. If she was older I think I might think differently as well but she is 4. We haven't even told her he is in jail because honestly I think that would just freak her out. Right now he is in jail, if he gets convicted on the charges he will most likely be in maximum security.
I'm working on finding a therapist now and will get her/his opinion on the situation. I want what is best for her and I just don't think visiting her dad in lock-up with handcuffs on is in her best interest.
I don't know your story but, the fact that he is your stbEX I would say no. I do not think that is a place for a child to ever visit.
Oh goodness, I remember your story. What was he charged with and what are the likely penalties (ie, time served)?
I think she absolutely needs to see a therapist, for a myriad of reasons. It will be good to sort out the specifics of visitation with a therapist as well.
I guess I lean toward no visitation. He's in for a violent crime and sounds like he'll be there for a while. If he was just in for a few months, or for something white collar-ish, I'd think it would be important to foster and preserve her relationship with him. But since he's in for a crime against you, I think it's in her best emotional interest not to have a relationship with him, especially one behind bars. I know I'd be scared going to visit a maximum security prison, I can't imagine how a 4 year old would feel.
I have to agree with this as I do not have enough information otherwise.
I think this sums up better about how I feel. I'm just to emotional about the situation to write it logically.
I would lean towards visitation -- but I don't know all the details of your situation. ASPE has some research on impact:
https://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/prison2home02/parke-stewart.htm
This research is pretty old -- also try: https://fcnetwork.org/. GL.
ETA: I don't know your entire situation so I can't really say. Hope these resources help you make your decision.
I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Good luck to you both.
In light of your post up higher, I have changed my mind.
I would not let my 4 year old visit her father until she was old enough to ask to see him herself with (reasonably) full disclosure over why he is in prison. There is a chance she will not want to see him, and that should be respected at that point.
I had the unfortunate experience of having to take DS to visit his father. It was only the county jail so he wasn't handcuffed during the visit, but there was a glass partition between them. He was only 1 1/2 at the time, but I've done everything I can to avoid it since then. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
If it's any consolation, DD was four when her father went "away." It was pretty tough for the first six months. I was honestly more worried about the repercussions she felt from losing her father, than from what he did to her. While it seemed excruciating at the time (she used to yell how much she hated me and how she wished she could be with her dad instead) it's been three years since and she barely remembers anything from that time.
I could go on and on, but I'll leave it at that. You know you can get a hold of me on FB if you ever need to chat.
Absolutely not.
I'm sorry for what you and your DD have been through.