advice on talking to 16 year old?

somethingchangd · August 2011

Hey guys - sorry for popping in for help when I've not been around to contribute much myself, but I'm in desperate need of some advice.

My husband's 16 year old neice is in town from the UK and we are having a hard time connecting with her. She has been dealt some very hard hands in life (never knew her father, mother died suddenly when she was 10, etc. etc. etc.) and her walls are very high. She doesn't really have any positive role models or adults she can talk to, and my husband and I would really like her to know we're a safe place for her to land. But we just can't seem to break through.

She is pretty much shut down to all adults in her life (the fact that she came to visit us at all was a huge step). She doesn't have any hobbies or interests that we can pick up on, so it's been hard to connect that way. She isn't the type of girl who wants to get pedicures and drink Starbucks, so I can't really take that route either.

Does anyone have any advice on how to open a dialogue (even casual) in this situation? She's only here through Saturday, so I fear time is running out. Thanks!

krissyh21 · August 2011

Ask her what movie she wants to see? Then make a day of it with ice cream after? Everyone likes movies. Then afterward talk about the movie. Keeping it casual.

leslie&brian · August 2011

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do when someone has built walls as a defense mechanism. She is probably afraid to allow herself to get close to people given her past. She's probably fearful of allowing someone to get close, only to lose them. I think the best thing you can do is to let her know that you love her, you care for her, and that you'll always be there to support her. I really hope that she opens up to you and your husband during this little time you have with her!! Good luck.

naflmj · August 2011

I like the idea of a movie, it doesn't put her on the spot to need to chat the whole time but making a day of it would give you guys time to chat...even if just casually.

readyin07 · August 2011

Poor baby

I think giving her some one on one time with just you or just DH would be nice. Offer to take her out for pizza, ask her what she might want to do (instead of just having her tag along with what you're up to). Who does she live with? Did they give any indication of her interests? Is this DH's sister's kid? Maybe tell stories about her mom and show photos...

somethingchangd · August 2011

krissyh21:
Ask her what movie she wants to see? Then make a day of it with ice cream after? Everyone likes movies. Then afterward talk about the movie. Keeping it casual.

We did exactly that on Friday and it was definitely the most successful day so far. We've got tickets for an improv comedy show on Friday and a painting class on Thursday - hopefully those will be similarly successful.

somethingchangd · August 2011

leslie&brian:
Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do when someone has built walls as a defense mechanism. She is probably afraid to allow herself to get close to people given her past. She's probably fearful of allowing someone to get close, only to lose them. I think the best thing you can do is to let her know that you love her, you care for her, and that you'll always be there to support her. I really hope that she opens up to you and your husband during this little time you have with her!! Good luck.

I know, and honestly I don't blame her for not trusting anyone. I honestly think offering to have her visit and then actually following through on it was as important as anything else. I think that we'll just keep offering to have her come to stay (half-term, christmas break, whatever), regardless of whether we have a breakthrough or not. I just wish I could do more.

somethingchangd · August 2011

readyin07:
Poor baby I think giving her some one on one time with just you or just DH would be nice. Offer to take her out for pizza, ask her what she might want to do (instead of just having her tag along with what you're up to). Who does she live with? Did they give any indication of her interests? Is this DH's sister's kid? Maybe tell stories about her mom and show photos...

She lives with my husband's parents, but not only are they in their mid-late 70s, FIL is a hoarder (like, could be on the show) and it's just a miserable environment to grow up in. MIL tries, but is totally clueless, and FIL treats her like dirt. I've considered trying to talk to her about her mom, but I don't know if it would be too pushy. I mean, my neice is *really* shut down.

epphd · August 2011

I guess I would do whatever I'd do with any out of town guest - check out what's at the local museum, show off the local sights. For some reason a hike came to mind - something where you can get out and do and see something, but there's not a ton of pressure to talk except to remark on what you are both seeing.

leslie&brian · August 2011

I think it's great that you and your husband have followed through, and that she was open enough to come visit and stay the week. It sounds like it may take a long time to chip away at the wall she has built around herself, but it sounds like you guys are doing a great job. She is lucky to have you.

cpedersen27 · August 2011

Maybe find out what types of music she likes. Do things for her like make a mix of her fav's, maybe even take her to a concert. I think its easier to try to bond with her yourself as opposed to both of you at the same time. Ask her things on her level..boys, shopping, music, fav foods, makeup, shoes

cpedersen27 · August 2011

readyin07:
Poor baby I think giving her some one on one time with just you or just DH would be nice. Offer to take her out for pizza, ask her what she might want to do (instead of just having her tag along with what you're up to). Who does she live with? Did they give any indication of her interests? Is this DH's sister's kid? Maybe tell stories about her mom and show photos...

Great Idea about pics and stories of her mom! I am sure she will be asking questions once you bring that up.

AvaLikeLava · August 2011

You know... honestly, getting her to open up only comes with time. Being open with her in exchange, showing her that you trust her, therefore she can trust you is all you can do.

But it's not something you can turn around over-night.

You show her she can be safe with you.

You call her once she leaves and make it a point to be very involved in her life.

That's about it as far as I can see. You can't push these things.

howleyshell · August 2011

somethingchangd:
I've considered trying to talk to her about her mom, but I don't know if it would be too pushy. I mean, my neice is *really* shut down.

Don't go there.

You have to earn the right to have that kinda conversation with her and even then you're usually better off waiting for her to bring it up on her terms.

If she's shut down the best I can advise is to find out what she likes. What music is she into? Fashion? Actor/actress? Book(s)?

Then get her talking about that stuff. Even if you know a lot about the subject play dumb and ask her to teach/show/share with you.

Hand over the lap top and tell her: "I don't know who that is. Can you show me?"

They sometimes feel more comfortable hiding behind media and using it as a jumping off point for conversations. My 16 yr old will bring me youtube videos and we talk about subjects pertaining to those videos (usually viral and often times funny but sometimes shockingly in depth or serious topics)

What kind of food does she like? Does she cook? I find that giving my 16 yr old something to DO with me often gets him talking. Could you guys menu plan and then she helps in the kitchen? She doesn't know how to cook? That's OK. Would she keep you company and then help measure a few things?

There's something about having mine help in the kitchen that makes that meal time feel more connected for us. He loves menu planning because he LOVES to eat.

At 16 the world tells them that they have a lot to learn.

If you flip the roles and tell her that she has something to teach YOU you might make some serious inroads.

Keep it light. Capitolize on her passions/interests.

somethingchangd · August 2011

howleyshell:
somethingchangd:

I've considered trying to talk to her about her mom, but I don't know if it would be too pushy. I mean, my neice is *really* shut down.

Don't go there.

You have to earn the right to have that kinda conversation with her and even then you're usually better off waiting for her to bring it up on her terms.

If she's shut down the best I can advise is to find out what she likes. What music is she into? Fashion? Actor/actress? Book(s)?

Then get her talking about that stuff. Even if you know a lot about the subject play dumb and ask her to teach/show/share with you.

Hand over the lap top and tell her: "I don't know who that is. Can you show me?"

They sometimes feel more comfortable hiding behind media and using it as a jumping off point for conversations. My 16 yr old will bring me youtube videos and we talk about subjects pertaining to those videos (usually viral and often times funny but sometimes shockingly in depth or serious topics)

What kind of food does she like? Does she cook? I find that giving my 16 yr old something to DO with me often gets him talking. Could you guys menu plan and then she helps in the kitchen? She doesn't know how to cook? That's OK. Would she keep you company and then help measure a few things?

There's something about having mine help in the kitchen that makes that meal time feel more connected for us. He loves menu planning because he LOVES to eat.

At 16 the world tells them that they have a lot to learn.

If you flip the roles and tell her that she has something to teach YOU you might make some serious inroads.

Keep it light. Capitolize on her passions/interests.

Thanks, Howley - I was hoping you would weigh in. I agree with you about her mom. And I am really not pushing for serious conversation at all - like you said, I realize I have to earn that. 99% of our interactions thusfar has been my attempts at self-depricating humor. I *think* it might be working to some degree? (Unless she's laughing at me, not with me.)

Unfortunately it's hard to even get her interests out of her. She expressed an interest in going to a bookstore and a comic book store, but spent 5 minutes at each before saying she was done. I can't get her to admit to liking *anything* else. Music, books - anything. We did see a movie over the weekend and have some general movie talk afterwards, but then got nothing after watching another movie last night. We *might* get her to play a board game in the next day or 2 - fingers crossed.

Since you mentioned helping in the kitchen, I have a question. I'd had the same thought but she literally has NO life skills. Her grandmother has coddled her to a ridiculous degree (packed her bags for the trip, literally cuts her meat - she isn't responsible for anything). I really think it's criminal. I kind of want to give her a kick in the butt in that regard (even just clearing her own plate) because I think it's hard for someone to feel self-worth if they have no responsibilities, but I also don't want her to think I'm nagging/disciplining her. Thoughts? (I am baking bread tomorrow, so I guess I'll ask if she wants to help. I'll be shocked if she's ever done anything like that before.)

My husband and I just feel so helpless, and have since her mom died 6 years ago. (Don't even get me started on how that was handled.) None of DH's other 4 siblings have done anything but alienate her further. We just want her to know we care. It's just so hard. I know there aren't any easy answers or shortcuts - I guess I just needed to hear that from other sources.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.

Want a personalized experience?

advice on talking to 16 year old?

Re: advice on talking to 16 year old?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards