Need advice
Nineoceans
member
Hey ladies, I've been having a kind of rough BF month. Without saying too much BM has been doing some very heart wrenching things. She is being harmful to everyone including herself which is heart breaking for all involved.
Anyways, today I was talking about a four year plan and the discussion of kids came up. Fi always kind of waffled on this, but today said the bottom line is he only ever wanted two kids and will have one with me and be done and he doesn't want this child for another three- four years.
I'm very upset about this. I followed a specific path in my life to get myself to the point where I am now (finished grad school by my early 20s, worked all through college and grad school so I have no loans, purchased a home perfect for kids at 21)
His reasons; he doesn't want more than two kids in the house, he wants to focus on SS because BM is doing things that are very harmful to his emotional state, and he doesn't want to be "poor" having three kids. He specifically compared us raising a child (we're 26 and 27 respectively with college degrees, a home and stable jobs) and he and BM having a kid (he was 20 and she was 23, BM pretended to be on birth control and got preg a month after dating, he was partying, had no job, barely going to college, she was partying no job)
So half of me is REALLY resentful. I always wanted two kids within 5 years of eachother- I was an only child and never wanted that for my child. The child we would have would be raised as an only, if we had the child in four years SS would be 10. The other half of me is PISSED. I have supported him 100% through a huge, ridiculous custody battle, I have been the best support I could be to SS (although at 6 he is a very challenging little boy- lying, tantrums, disrespectful) and I have done pretty much anything I can to make fi happy- and usually he does the same for me.
This is something fi and I go around and around over. Other than being a blended family our relationship is great, but I'm feeling really strained by this issue. I understand he never saw himself having three kids, but I never saw myself marrying someone who already had a child and I have adjusted, I feel he could do the same.
Let me know your thoughts- if I'm being unreasonable or if you've had a similar experience
Re: Need advice
Neither one of you are wrong, but you both have to come to a decision you can live with. You aren't married yet, and I think before you get married, you have to be on the exact same page on this issue.
Life plans don't usually work like you think they will. I'm a planner, so don't get me wrong--I think it's great to have a plan. Your life plan isn't his life plan, though. And when you start involving other people (and in a blended family, even more people), things have a tendency to go awry.
Your H's concerns are valid. And if you just went through a major custody battle, he might need some time and space before he can wrap his head around having more kids.
DH and I didn't agree on the child issue, and we managed to come to an agreement with which we're both 100% satisfied. I just mention it to say that it can be done.
I agree with the PP. You both have valid points and I can see where your DH is coming from and do not blame him.
From an outside perspective, I think a compromise of one child is appropriate. I bet if it were up to him, he wouldn't have any more at all, but is willing to have 1 for you.
On situations like this where you both have valid points, but just cannot compromise, you have to think of this...To whom does it matter the most? Is he 90% positive he wants no more that one child? Are you just 50% adamant about having 2 or more? Can you have one child and be happy while helping raise your SK's? Is having more kids going to make your DH resentful, financially stressed?
Edit: My boys are 10 yrs apart and they are awesome together..I never wanted children that far apart, but life happens.
What kind of resolution could be made? He made it clear he only wants one more child. You have made it clear that you want two. Someone will not get what they want. Will there be resentment? What if you get your way, then something happens and supporting three does become a struggle? What if he gets his way, are you really ever going to be ok with that? Will you resent him for it? (It truely sounds like yes, you would).
My thoughts exactly.
Before I met my H, I was dating someone that was a little younger than me, and he wanted 2 kids. I didn't want anymore kids. Granted our relationship never got serious enough for us to talk about having kids together, but I never let it get serious for that reason.
One of the things my H and I both had in common, was that we both didn't want anymore kids. We are a lot older than you, but still it is a huge issue if you aren't on the same page about this.
My 2 kids are almost exactly 10 years apart, it's not ideal, but it's manageable. My DD does feel like an only child, as her older brother always acted like she was more of a burdon and never really took the time to develop a close relationship with her.