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Adoption
pre-application jitters
Hey there. I'm new to this forum, and just wanted to get some more experienced adoptive parents' take on the whole process. A little background on us: My hubby and I got the news earlier this month that we're both infertile, and even IVF would likely have a very small chance of success. We had decided back in December that we wanted to adopt after more than a year of failed TTC, because I've always felt called to adopt, and because I had a gut feeling that biological children were never going to happen for us. We started looking into domestic infant adoption, and selected an agency.
Our application is due in 3 weeks, so we can start our home study classes, but I'm really struggling with the pre-application nerves. I know on paper we look fine. We have spotless backgrounds, both have steady jobs, we own our home, and we have our finances under control, although we're by no means wealthy. I KNOW that we probably have nothing to worry about, but I can't help feeling anxious. I'm sure that feeling this way is completely normal, but until our application's approved, I'm on edge. This is our only chance at a family.
I want to spend all my free time getting the house ready for the home study (we did a complete home remodel in the past year, and still have some random work that IMO needs to be done before we bring home a baby). But my hubby worries that I'm going to be horribly disappointed if I spend all my time nesting, and for some reason our app is denied. So I'm wondering what other adoptive parents did in the meantime to keep the nerves at bay?
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Re: pre-application jitters
We only had a week between sending in our application and the call to start our pre-homestudy process. So we didn't have a lot of time to stress!
One thing to keep in mind that might be helpful: the goal of the homestudy is NOT to disqualify you or find things to ding you for. It's to confirm that you'll be great parents and have a loving, stable home to provide. All of the stuff the agency is doing is to keep the interests of the child in mind.
Hope it goes quickly for you.
I know you're right, and I know we've just had a lot of time to think about it and get ourselves worked up into the nerves. I know the homestudy isn't to disqualify anyone, but it's still very intimidating. Thanks for the positive vibes!
We've also bought the things for our nursery, and picked out paint and whatnot. I was so confident until my hubby expressed his own nervousness, and now I'm doubting my own confidence! How many classes do you have to attend, and did they give you an idea of length of time for the completion of the homestudy?
We worked with a domestic adoption agency. We had a "prehomestudy" meeting, more of a get to know you type deal. Then we had 2 more meetings at the agency office with our SW, each probably an hour or 2 long. During that time we were also completing our autobiography and getting all of our clearances. Since we'd spent so much time talking to our SW, our home visit was only about 45 minutes.
Completing everything took several weeks, because DH is not a touchy feely person, nor a writer, so he took his time completing his autobiography.
I was definitely a hot mess while waiting through the approval process. We were approved on June 28, exactly 6 months after we put in our application. Every time my excited hubby would tell someone we were adopting, I would always qualify with the statement, 'If we are approved!' Everything went smooth, like the other posters mentioned, they are looking to confirm that you will be loving parents and provide an emotionally stable home for a child.
The only advice I can give is for you and your spouse to discuss discipline methods before meeting with your SW. There are some agencies that will not approve an application if you are pro-spanking/hitting. There are even some states that will make you sign a contract (like NJ) where you promise not to impose corporal punishment on a child.
As far as keeping your nerves at bay... Throw yourself into the process. As you fingerprints come back clean, your state police checks ok, etc. you will feel a bit of relief everyday you get closer to the end. We personally did not start on our nursery until we were approved (we did clean it out and paint it yellow, but that was it.) It was easier for me not to acknowedge that space until I felt confident that we were 'in'.
I went and got my fingerprinting done today, and all our clearances are in as of a couple weeks ago. You sound a lot more like my hubby. He's been trying to keep me grounded, and has only succeeded in making me worried instead of confident, like I was before he shared his worries. Haha.
We have talked about punishment, and stated on our application that we're only pro-spanking if it's to discourage dangerous behaviors like reaching out to touch a hot stove or running out into the street. Our agency has a discipline contract that holds us to not using corporal punishment unless other methods have been exhausted first.