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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
StephDK
member
Need to vent, kind of down...(long)
StephDK
member
I should have vented about this a long time ago because I think that I need support. First off, I love being a mother. I love babies, always have, but C is high needs for sure. I had a c/s which was devastating for me. I was in labor for over 24 hours, was fully dilated and effaced but C had late heart decels so we had a have a surgery. I get it and am thankful for such a procedure, but emotional, I felt like I totally failed and wish that I could have experienced a vaginal delivery. I'm not sure if I am a VBAC candidate, but would be willing to consider it in the future. Because I had GD, they had to check C's blood sugar a few times after birth. On the 3 time, it was too low so they said we needed to give him a bottle, I was way out of it, throwing up from the meds etc. That I agreed and just let DH do it. Unfortunately, DH fed him an entire 4 hours bottle like 5 hours after birth. They took him to the nursery to do stats on him and of course he threw up etc etc. I was really upset because no one told my DH how much to feed him and I was out of it. From that point on, C cried/screamed until about 10 weeks. I can't help feel that feeding him that large bottle caused his terrible reflux and milk protien intolerance.
He also nursed with a nipple shield from the beginning as well and at 3 weeks, we had posterior tongue-tie clipped. Unfortunately, he was so used to the nipple shield that he refused to the bare breast. He always nursed for 45 minutes or longer which was time consuming, but I pressed through. His mucosy stools finally stopped when we started to supplement with 2 oz. of formula with every BM bottle (He eventually refused to nurse at 4 months because I went back to work PT and he was more efficient with the bottle). I pumped 4x a day and still do, to save $$ and because C will only take the RTF alimentum and it is $9/ 32 oz quart.. I have never hated pumping, but because I have short nipples, there is not really a flange that fits me correctly, thus creating a red ring around the base of my nipple that is pretty uncomfortable. I have seen 2 different LCs and they are stumped.
Caleb is sweet and can be happy, but VERY strong-willed with and isn't what you would consider "content." He likes to be held, but not cuddled; I can count on 2 hands the number of times in the last 4 months that I have been able to get him to sleep while rocking him. Same for DH and for my mom who keeps him while I work.
So I guess my point is, I'm sad. I love Caleb more that words but my anxiety is so bad because of how challenging he is. I think that I am conditioned to assume that something is really wrong every time he cries during the day or night because of it. I don't really know what "normal" crying is. I certainly think that he is the way he is because he was in such pain as a newborn. Don't get me wrong, he is much happier now and always wakes up cooing and loves his toys, our dog, being outside etc., but he just wont let me soothe him and it breaks my heart. I was never a fan of cosleeping before, but I swear, if he would lay with me and fall asleep in my bed, I would do it in a minute, but he won't.
I think that I have tried to also ignore the fact that I probably have PPD too. Ugh, I am just a blubbery mess. Thanks for listening. any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need to vent, kind of down...(long)
I have zero advice on breastfeeding/feeding in general (sorry).
Not that I'm trying to find sympathy, but E is the same way with cuddling/sleeping. Rarely will she cuddle with us, she just wants to move around and has since she was just shy of 3 months old. She also wants nothing to do with us when she's sleepy, unless she's in pain and of course, needs Tylenol. The only times I've been able to soothe her without making her more angry is when something terrifies her. But, just like your baby, she's otherwise the happiest baby I've ever been around.
I'd schedule an appointment with your OB for a consultation and discuss everything that's going on. S/he may or may not put you on meds for your PPD, but I think having someone you can talk to face-to-face will be better for you than on here. If not your OB, your family/GP can also do the same for you. Also, I'd try to get in ASAP because the sooner you deal with your issues, the happier you'll be, which in turn could change your relationship with LO.
You are one tough momma. You've gone through so much!
The biggest thing that jumped out at me is you feel like you are ignoring your PPD. PPD is nothing to fool around with and colors your perception of the world. You've been so busy taking care of others, now it's time to take care of you.
Please, see someone for an evaluation and possible treatment. There is no shame in it and you have more than proven how tough and devoted you are.
*hugs* I hope things get better for you and I hope you are able to find some help.
I am sorry you are going through all this. I have been going through many ups and down.
DD is great, she has been a very very easy baby, but for me I hate leaving her being pressured into being around my inlaws. I currently hate my job, because since last august when the new boss rolled into town, she has made my life a living hell.
I am hopefully getting a new job with an early October start date, but if not I will have to work the crazy demanding hours, my current job has during September-November. DH has a varied work schedule which means looking for somebody to watch the baby, which would be fine except resorting to the inlaws may be the only option I have, and I just don't like them.
I have sometimes 2nd guessed whether we were ready for DD and if we should have waited. I would never harm myself or DD for that matter, as I love being a mommy, but am just overwhelmed with the anxiety of work, and my house which is a constant work in progress, currently going through a bathroom remodel, the kitchen needs to be done, the dinning room, the steps, and the list goes on and on. DH doesn't like to hire people to do it, but the reality is he takes on these big projects and then they take forever or go unfinished.
Additionally people (DH and His Family) are already trying to push for baby number 2. I am just not ready, especially with the potential of starting a new job and until the house is done, and organized I don't want the responsible of trying to up keep a house with no storage. So unless we move into a move in ready house DD is going to be in for a while.
I am still debating if I should start seeing a counselor and think it may be super beneficial to me I have the contact information for a place, I just haven't followed through. Like you I think I do/did have PPD, just was in denial.
Stay strong and bet wishes to you!
I agree that you should talk to someone. I don't know a lot about PPD but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety also. There are a lot of coping mechanisms that you can learn to control your anxiety.
We formula fed from the beginning and DH also gave DD her first bottle. They didn't tell him how much she should have either. He fed her the entire bottle of formula, which she also spit up. She never wound up with reflux.
She also does not snuggle with me. I know that I should be happy that she can self sooth and fall asleep on her own but I just miss her falling asleep in my arms. Yesterday she was super tired and rested her head on my shoulder. It made my heart smile. But those moments are few and far between.
Good luck.
That's great news! I'm hoping your DH was supportive of you and will help you out. Just be sure to tell him what you need. Men don't do subtle and they usually flunked the mind reading class the rest of us passed. :P
LOL so true, thanks a bunch....I seriously need a LIKE button for your comment!
I just want to point out what a trooper you are for pumping for 4 months(or maybe it was longer you said). Holy cow! I pumped for 2 months and that was about all I could handle. After pumping bloody milk and it freaked me out, I had to take a rest and my supply tanked. I seriously commend you for not giving up. Your poor little baby. You had such a rough delivery and afterwards. Stay strong mama! You are one tough lady!!!!!
Thanks I appreciate the encouragement. I have been pumping from the beginning, so going on 7 months. It is so hard to have a high needs baby and mostly likely PPD, that is why it is so nice to have TB to know that you are not alone in this world of parenthood!
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