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Success after IF
JillRock96
member
Who wants to say, "I told you so"? Ugh.
JillRock96
member
I might DD this later because I just don't want it floating out there, but I have to share bc I'm so annoyed/ticked off. This is so long, so if you make it through, you deserve a medal.
DH has been searching everywhere for jobs (as you all know). He seriously doesn't consider any job "beneath" him, and now that most of the schools have started and there aren't going to be many teaching positions posted, he's been expanding his search to include other types of jobs, at least for the time being. He went to a few moving companies last week (he has worked for one in Boston for the last several summers), and they were happy to have him start whenever he could. The problem is that the pay is not good, which is fine except that we have to factor in child care. If we have to hire a nanny, then he would make about $2 an hour, BEFORE taxes. Obviously not worth it, and this isn't the type of job where he could work just afternoons after I get home.
My mom flat-out offered to watch the girls for free at her house. I told her to think about it for sure before committing, and told her that even though we couldn't afford what we would pay a nanny, we would definitely pay her something (she doesn't need to work, but I want to pay her whatever we can because I know how much work it is). After a few days I brought it up, and she confirmed that she would love to watch them and again insisted that we not pay her (and I again insisted that we WOULD pay her something, even if it is just $100 a week). Plus, I offered to pick up my brother from school on my way to her house after work, which will save her a decent amount of gas money. We talked about the details, I bought high chairs and potty seats, etc. for her house, and I thought it was all set.
I knew from the start that this was a BAD idea (it's no secret here that my mom has some major mental health issues), but she has been doing pretty well since we've been home, and she has been great with the girls. I was really hopeful that we could make this work for even just a month or two, because my half-time income isn't going to cut it for much longer. I really should have trusted my instincts.
First of all, she's been telling the entire family that watching the girls is really going to mess up her schedule, and how will she get anything done? She's also telling everyone (my sister, aunts, uncles, etc.) that she is watching the girls for free, that we never offered to pay her anything, and that we are taking advantage of her. Then, yesterday she flipped out. I have no idea what set it off (she and I were absolutely fine), but she just had a meltdown. She was verbally attacking my sister and just spewing hateful words about everyone in the family (including us). She and my sister had a major blowout because my sis just can't take the stress anymore. This morning we were all supposed to have a big shopping day that she planned (girls need fall clothes desperately!), and she wouldn't go. She started attacking my sister verbally again, and as my sis was leaving to meet us for breakfast, she told her to pass along a message to me that she "will not watch our children." Awesome.
I knew fully that moving out here meant dealing with her craziness again, but obviously we felt that the benefits of our zillion other awesome friends and relatives outweigh the bad. But I can't believe I was so dumb as to believe that she could be stable enough to actually help us out for a month -- no strings attached. Have I seriously not learned in 29 years? I guess I was desperate. So now DH has to turn down the job and hope that something else works out. He still has the interview next week, and if that doesn't pan out, he is going to look at some local businesses for afternoon/night and weekend hours.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Who wants to say, "I told you so"? Ugh.
Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you and your DH made the right choice about turning down the job for now. It's very unfortunate that this had to happen, but I'd be so worried about your Mom "flipping out" on someone or them while they were with her.
I hope everything works out.
Sending you lots of (((hugs))) to try and cheer you up!
Oh, no, I am so sorry that you have to deal with that kind of stress, on TOP of your DH looking for work. This economy is so hard. And family stress is seriously the most difficult to deal with. (((HUGS)))
Hope you are able to find a solution........to both of the issues!
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Oh Jill, I'm so sorry.
It is SO natural that you wanted to believe she would step in when you needed it. I've learned one thing in all of my back-and-forths across the country to see my family, and that is that every time I see them I try to give the benefit of the doubt that things will go OK, walk on eggshells so that fingers can't get pointed, and yet without fail every time I'm let down. Somehow my mom pulls the rug out from whatever she's agreed to and blames me even though it makes no sense whatsoever. You want to trust your mother and you know she wants to love your girls but it just fails; she reneges yet lies and blames you, right?
Your situation calls on you to have to be more dependent on help right now. You will get through it.
Absolutely no "I told you so"s from this camp here. You're doing all you can and I'm so impressed you're keeping it together as well as you are.
Wasn't there going to be possible child care at your school? I'm guessing there is some reason that's not an option now?
I'm so sorry your mom bailed on you and blamed you.
HUGS!!!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
Ugh, that's a tough situation. I'm so sorry. Hoping your DH finds something worthwhile soon so that you guys can be self-sufficient and not have to be in these kinds of situations.
I have to say that the number one thing keeping us from trying to move back to Texas (where my family is) is that we know the family would not give us the support we would like. We wouldn't be able to count on them like we'd hope, so it's not necessarily an improvement on our situation, even though we'd like to be there and be close to them in some sense. Ugh...it's so frustrating. And on the other hand, if we moved close to DH's family, they would be very supportive and helpful, but they'd actually be overwhelming and too involved. There's no in between...haha.
Hope things smooth over for you soon. This is all temporary. I just hope that the interval is short. (((hugs)))
I, intimately, understand your dilemma because my mother is very much like this. Extremely narcessistic, borderline personality disorder, altered realities, etc. She's can "hold it together" for short periods of time but is like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode drama, broken boundries, waivering loyalties, etc.
I am very sorry that you find yourself feeling foolish or in an "I shoulda known" position. You're trying, with every thread of your being, to make this transition work and hoping you could rely on your own mother was a very reasonable request.
I do hope your husband will consider working evenings and weekends (even at a low paying job for the meantime) and find something fast. I know Manpower and other employment agencies are all over and from my experience, jobs are available nearly on demand. It might be cleaning office buildings in the evenings and at night but its usually decent pay and at least SOMETHING!
HUGS!
It is very, very hard for a child not to want to believe in their parent. What you did was natural...I would have wanted to believe in her too.
I hope something works out for you guys...and really, really soon.
(((Hugs)))
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You guys are so great -- you're making me cry. Thank you making me feel a little less stupid about all of this. You're right -- I really want to believe that she can be the kind of mom that I need her to be, but without some help, I know that she cannot.
Alchris, my school does have awesome daycare in the building. It is very reasonable for one child, but there really isn't a break for two or three. And they would not allow me to do half days, so I would essentially be paying more than I make to send them there. If and when I go full time again, it would be great.
Oh, Jill! That just sucks! I am so sorry you are dealing with that. There is nothing like a nasty go round with my mom to make me feel beyond awful, so I sympathize. Maybe the bright side is that she showed her true colors on the issue now, before the girls were under her care?
Thinking of you and sending lots of good vibes that a workable plan falls into place ASAP!
I would never say "I told you so". I think it's only natural for a child to want to have faith and trust in their parent. I feel bad for you that she has yet again disappointed you.
You mentioned that she has mental health issues, and I use to be a psych nurse, and just by the little you said about her it sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder. Those were the patients that were the most difficult for me. I hate that you've lived a life with false promises from your own mom.
I will be praying hard that your DH gets the job he is interviewing for. Good luck!!!
YES, she definitely does (undiagnosed, of course). She meets every criteria in the DSM. And, per the disorder, she is very resistant to help. She has seen several therapists over the years once or twice, then fired them because they are "idiots." There was a very brief time in my teen years where she was medicated for a few months, and she was truly a different person. I know it is the mental illness, but man, it is hard to deal with her. I really hate to say this, but I think her breaking point (both in terms of physical health and mental health) is coming soon. While I know it is going to be a $hitstorm (for lack of a better term), I'm hoping that maybe it will finally lead to some change.
They arrived at 36 weeks after PTL and bedrest for 14 weeks.
oh no. what a mess. i'm so sorry that your mom is being so horrible and unfair. i hope DH finds something very soon and you don't have to worry about any of this.
sending huge hugs.