Adoption

Lack of family support... Sigh.

We have decided to move toward adoption of a sibling group who were placed with us a couple months ago. (We knew they were legally free when they were placed with us, but originally we were going to be a short term foster-only placement for them... Guess things change, lol.). I know nothing is a sure thing in foster care until it's all final, but I'm really disappointed that DH's family doesn't seem excited at all about the prospects of us adopting these kids (they haven't met the kids yet bc they live in another state). When DH told his mother, she responded by asking a ton of questions about FC "horror stories.". She has yet to express any support or give any indication that she's happy we are trying to build our family. I understand that maybe it could take her a couple of weeks to adjust to the idea, but this has been going on for weeks now. And yesterday, DH's older brother called to share the news that his wife is pregnant with their first child. I bet MIL is very excited about that -- I doubt she asked SIL all sorts of questions about pregnancy horror stories, you know? I guess there's no real question in this post. I just needed to vent a little.

Re: Lack of family support... Sigh.

  • Sorry for the lack of formatting above... I'm posting from my phone.
  • Just to play devil's advocate, unless your ILs are well-versed in foster/adopt, there's probably a lot of education that needs to happen to make them feel comfortable. You'll need to give it time, and more than a few weeks. And as you mentioned, they haven't even met the kids yet. They may do that and fall in love with them. They may also need some time to grieve the loss of bio grandchildren, just as many APs need grieve the loss of bio children.

    I wouldn't assume what your MIL said to your SIL. For all you know she started in with horror stories ranging from morning sickness to preterm labor.

    I hope they come around soon and enjoy their grandkids.

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  • I'm so sorry.  Dr L made some good points, but I also know that it's disappointing folks just can't act happy.  They may be guarding their hearts too.  I hope they come around soon.
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  • I'm so sorry.  Hopefully once they meet the children they will feel differently.  

    Would they be willing to read a book about foster/adopt to help educate them?  (I don't even know what the right book would be.  Maybe another poster could jump in with some suggestions.)

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  • I can totally relate.  When I adopted my son, some of my family were always saying things like "oh great you are adopting, but aren't foster kids nothing but trouble"  I know they aren't fully educated and I actually did have to explain to them that all foster kids have suffered some sort of traumatic event to be in foster care.  That they deserve a forever family and love too.  I basically had to come to the point with them that I said "look, this is my choice and I'm doing it and if you are not totally on board and stop with all the negativity then I will be done with you and you won't be involved with my son."  You have to take your life and your family into your hands and do what feels right to you.  If they act like that then don't include them.  I would talk to your spouse and explain how you feel and that you don't appreciate their attitude and perhaps you can both talk with them and tell them as a united front that this is going to happen.  If they don't get on board then they will miss out on being grandparents.  I know it's tough, but don't let it get to you and affect your family.. Congrats on adopting them.  It's a great thing and you should be proud of it.
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