Coming out at work...more of a vent

2mommiesinoh · August 2011

So I switched positions within my company and ended up in a completely different building with maybe one or two people that know me. Problem is I am feeling pretty awkward about myself right now. I work at a VERY accepting company and being gay is like whatever. I am open about being a lesbian and have pictures of my family (DW included) posted at my desk. Problem is she looks kind of like a guy so everyone just assumes and says oh is that your husband and then I have to go through the awkward conversation where they are really embarassed or whatever. I just wish there was an easier way to make it clear I feel like I spent the last two years int he old department coming out to everyone and I should just like rock a lesbian tee on casual friday ...ugh!

milwjean · August 2011

I try to bring it up before they do.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"My partner/wife/lesbian lover and I went...."

I will also intentionally mention her in conversation. "Susan--my sex slave--has that same pencil!"

I would just say talk normally--but if pictures (especially from a distance) are misleading, I can understand wanting to shield the other person from feeling awkward.

JoySeattle · August 2011

Since I'm self-employed and work with new clients regularly, I often have these conversations at some point with each client. It usually goes "So what does your husband do?" or "Is your husband okay with your schedule?" or something along those lines to which I generally respond "My wife works as..." or "My partner is very supportive" hold breath and hope that they react neutrally/positively. Occasionally (usually when I'm unsure of their response) I'll stumble a bit and say "Oh, my partner is a woman, and she blah blah blah." It's gotten easier, but it's still a bit awkward. I've learned to embrace it since it's inevitable while I work with clients. Best of luck on your work transition and meeting new folks!

2mommiesinoh · August 2011

milwjean:

I will also intentionally mention her in conversation. "Susan--my sex slave--has that same pencil!"

I just laughed so hard at that!

When talking to people away from my desk I usually refer to her as A and then they look at me with this blank expression and I have to remember that not everyone knows that A is my wife now in this new department. I just know it took almost two years for everyone to know I was a lesbian in the other department...it is not like I hid it but I am also not "obvious". Ann could NEVER get away with anyone not knowing, I however am assumed as straight until i voice otherwise.

I have a problem with being kind of shy and always have so that does not help matters at all!

tdmklm · August 2011

milwjean:

I will also intentionally mention her in conversation. "Susan--my sex slave--has that same pencil!"

This is hilarious. I am SO going to use it. Smile

2mommiesinoh:

I however am assumed as straight until i voice otherwise.

I have a problem with being kind of shy and always have so that does not help matters at all!

Here's what I did (because I, like you, am assumed as straight): I put up a framed rainbow flag in my office. People generally get it, though sometimes I still have to correct the "husband" assumption. Smile

ball.and.chain · August 2011

I feel your pain! I am also "presumed straight" and I've had a lot of these awkward conversations. Like the others, I just try to drop "my wife" into conversation as much as possible. I haven't had any awkward husband assumptions in a while though, so maybe people are catching on (or I'm getting better at preempting it). I'm sure I'll get a whole new round of awkward conversations when we have kids...sigh.

2brides · August 2011

I've always been out at this job and found that it was so much easier to come out once I was in a relationship since I could drop the "L (she has a pretty female identified name) and I did XYZ this weekend" or "L and I bought a house."

A couple of years ago we had a new hire and from day 1 I was talking about L, our kids, etc (not in order to come out per se...just conversation.) This person and I went on a business trip together and spent a lot of time together, during which I talked about L and the kids, made a point to call them at home, etc. She commented about how nice it was for L to take care of them while I was gone, but I kinda took it to mean how hard it must be home with 2 kids for nearly a week (not that she was such a good friend for taking care of my kids for 4 days!) After we got back she came in to my office, sat down, and said, "I hope I am not being too forward or too presumptious, but are you gay?" LOL. She was fine with it and proceeded to tell me about her gay BIL. LOL. But I guess that some people need to see you getting married or having sex with a woman to get it.

But going back to you, I just correct people if they ask about a husband or if they use "he" I change the pronoun to "she" in my answer. Like you, I can't really rely on pictures since 50% of the people think she is my mother. Embarrassed

leapgirl8 · August 2011

I'm always torn between actually correcting people - "I'm married to a woman named Jen, and she XYZ" vs. just changing the pronoun and hoping we can all move on. If it's someone that I work with or a friend of a friend, I always correct. But I admit that sometimes when it's a one-time thing, like a hairdresser, I don't even bother. I just avoid pronouns. (I find it weird that someone like that would ask about my spouse at all, but I know they feel expected to fill the silence - and I guess that's what happens when you wear a wedding ring.) Sometimes I beat myself up about it, but whatever. I'm doing my bit for the movement. :-D

Duchess1 · August 2011

PP's gave great adivce. It can be hard to correct people. I always hold my breath.

In our old neighborhood we had a very, very elderly neighbor and he always asked me what my husband did for a living. I literally couldn't bring myself to correct him. I was afraid it would kill him. I was honest about the job but always felt like crap for not owning up to who I am.

I hope it gets easier and you are happy in your new position.

2mommiesinoh · August 2011

Thanks for the advice everyone! I really do love my new position, it is so much less micromanaged than my prior one! I miss my friends from the other building and the lady I sit across the wall from is crazy BUT in general everyone is nice so far. I just know the awkwardness is coming lol. Did I mention that while I still have a cubicle it is like private with walls taller than me and more desk/drawer/closet space than I could ever use! So yeah best decision ever to move to the new job!

Coming out at work...more of a vent

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