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ejgballerina
member
DS being bullied at daycare (long)
ejgballerina
member
Jude was moved up to the toddler room early last spring. Consistently since then, we have been getting a note I'd say one every other week (sometimes more, sometimes less) saying that "a friend" had bitten him. He usually has a mark on his body consistent with the note. We know who the "friend" is as he is old enough to tell us. Also, he goes to a daycare at a private school where many of the parents are teachers and their kids don't go to daycare during the summer whent they are off. So, most of the summer was just Jude and this other girl that is the biter. There was also a couple of kids that go part-time too so it wasn't always just the two of them, but most of the time it was. She is about six months older than him and is very tall for her age while Jude is very short for his age. Throughout the summer, we didn't say anything as the daycare does have a biting policy in place (2 or 3 day suspension and meeting with the director if she bites 2 or 3 times in one week or something along those lines). I know she has been suspended for biting three times. We also were patient as Jude still seemed to like to play with this little girl and we assumed once all the other kids came back later this summer, it would get better.
Last night, I was giving Jude a bath and saw a red welt on the fold of his wrist and another one on the side of his neck. When I asked him about them, he told me that she pinched him and that he was scared. This also now goes along with his recent refusal to even want to go into the toddler room at school. When DH has dropped Jude off a few times the last couple of weeks, he mentioned that this girl was in timeout for pinching or was in the process of cornering kids and biting/pinching. There are two teachers in the room for 7 children and they are GREAT teachers and I know they can't catch everything. I'm assuming these two pinches from last night happened in an instant and all they saw was Jude crying and the marks were in not very noticeable places and that's why we didn't get a note. Jude has also mentioned on several occasions in the past month or so about how this little girl hits him and then he tells me about all of her timeouts so I know they are doing something about it.
I'm SO sad. I cried last night after DS went to bed because I HATE that he has to go to school and I have to work anyways. But to have to send my baby to a place where he is being bullied and has the marks to prove it... it's just devastating. I know how hard it must be to be the parent of a biter/hitter/pincher. We have been SO patient with this for months. But DH said something to the director today about the pinch marks. I don't want the little girl to be suspended or kicked out or anything. But I hate the entire situation. I'm not even sure if I'm looking for advice because what can be done, kwim? I'm just really emotional about it. Thanks for listening!
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Re: DS being bullied at daycare (long)
Wow, that is really hard!
As teh mother of a big child who may also have the potential to be a bully I think I can see both sides of this. (G just seems to play MUCH nicer with kids her size or bigger and then the non-sharing, more assertive--even slighly aggressive behavior comes out with smaller kids- ugh) She went through a biting stage for about 3 months that was rough, and she is not even in daycare, so there were only a handful of incidents and it is terribly embarassing/frustrating. But your son should not have to be afraid at daycare.
I think at this point I would want to know that more than timeouts were being used. She clearly needs some additional interventions (I really don't know what that would be at this age -- play therapy?? but something) and I think you have the right to know if that is happening (or being suggested) so you can feel slightly more comfortable about him staying there. It sounds like you wouldn't want to pull him out and I hope you don't have to but you and he shouldn't have to pay to have him treated like this either.
Good luck!
That is terrible. DS has never been to DC so I'm not sure how it normally works, but I would be very upset and would be wanting the director to meet with me and tell me what their plan is to stop this or prevent it from happening in the future. It sounds to me that the girl should be suspended or kicked out or something but as I said I don't really know how the whole DC thing works.
I also wanted to say that it sounds like Jude has excellent verbal skills, Mark is a little older and would never be able to verbalize those things, he talks a lot but can't really reproduce information or answer questions very well.
And, hugs for you because I understand how you must be feeling. Mark just started pre-school and on orientation a little girl pushed him and he was so upset, more scared/hurt feelings that physically hurt. To think that type thing would be happening while I wasn't there to comfort him made me sad. Working mom guilt is terrible.
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you are a much nicer person than I am...
I'm so sorry that Jude is dealing with this! I'm sure its a really tough situation for everyone involved, but the teachers need to be way more vigilant with this little girl... and if she can't be controlled, its not fair to the other children to be pinched and bitten daily! If they can't rectify the situation in a few more weeks (after having a serious talk with them) then I would ask the child to be removed. and if for some reason that didn't happen...I'd have to pull my own child out.
do they make child muzzles? I keeed i keeeed!!!
What a terrible situation. Your poor baby!
As someone who works with child care programs for a living, I can see both sides of this situation. My personal feeling is that this may not be the right program for that little girl. Unfortunately, for reasons of confidentiality, you really can't ask and shouldn't know what their plans are for her, but she clearly needs a better one.
I am against blanket suspension/expulsion policies for children based on their behavior. Young children use their behavior to communicate, and it's up to the program and the parents to work together to meet the individual child's needs. This little girl needs help, and suspension and time outs are not it.
At the same time, the other children in the program need to be protected, of course!
As a professional, I have lots of advice for this program, but, unfortunately, it's not things that I would be comfortable saying as a parent. I may be tempted to anonymously deliver this book to them, however: No Biting! It's an excellent resource that I think every program caring for toddlers should have!
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Well, you are much nicer than me. No way I'd ever just sit back with that going on. Dylan was getting bitten a lot at daycare when he first started. Every other day he was there, and I knew what kid it was since I witnessed him bite another child and they'd always say "the biter". One of the bites broke the skin, through his shirt. He was sitting on the floor playing with a book when the child bit him on his back. It took months for the mark to go away. I was LIVID. I raised hell and had a meeting with the director and the teacher. He got bitten one time after that. We started looking at other daycares that had stricter biting rules. Then they moved the child to the class above them where he was with older kids. I think that's what he needed to stop and thrive. I do know from parents of children in that class that he's still sorta a "bully" but I don't think he's biting and what not like before.
I really hope a solution can be reached. Your son should not feel scared to go to school because of one child. I understand it's a phase, and it has to be extremely hard on the parents of that child, but at some point the safety of all the other children should be important too... I'd push for them to put her in the class higher and see if it stops when she's with kids closer to her own size/a little bigger. Good luck. I know how hard this is. ((hugs))
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I am so sorry for you and for Jude. I hate the situation for you.
Superned's response makes sense coming from someone in that field. I get it and feel bad for the parents of the biter, it must be a hard situation to be in . It is clearly not the correct place for her and no matter how good the teachers are they aren't protecting the other children. Things are going to happen when no one is looking but the repetitiveness of the situation rubs me the wrong way.
At the end of the day though if something didn't happen quick I am the type that would just find a new place for him and deal with the director if she wanted more of a notice than we were willing to give.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
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Oh that suuuuucks! Sam has been the victim of a biter, but the bites are much less frequent now and it is totally consistent with the biter's lack of verbal skills and teething patterns. It sounds like in this case, the bully has honest to goodness behavioral problems. While the teachers seem to be on it, I don't blame you for being upset. I would keep on discussing it with the director. See if you can have a teacher "shadow" Jude to keep him safe and to intervene as often as necessary. This was something our DC did with Sam - really to determine whether he was (unintentionally) provoking the biter. They were able to deduce he wasn't - but in your case they may be able to actually help Jude feel safer and deal with the bully at the same time.
(hugs) honey - that must be so hard to hear from your DS!
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I am so sorry for you both. It's heartbreaking, I know! When my DS first transitioned to the toddler room, I also thought that he was being bullied. Which was so odd to me because, in the infant room, he was the biter
So, yes, I do understand that it happens, etc., and it's awful on both sides. . . but to feel like you're sending your kid somewhere where he is going to be hurt is awful!
Anyway, I sat down with the teacher and the directer and had them explain to me exactly what they were doing about the problem. We were there for prbably 2 hours. In the end, it did calm me down and made me feel a bit better. In our circumstance, it did seem to resolve about a week thereafter (there is still biting, but not with the frequency), but I was all kinds of prepared to pull him out if not. . .
((Hugs))
Wow.
That sucks.
Bad.
I'm so frustrated for you AND Jude.
My biggest concern here would be that if he thinks this is "school" it's so very important for them to have a positive attitude about "school" from the get go, KWIM?
Here's a bit of advice.
As a mom of 2 boys there are often physical incidences and even more often hurt feelings. If Jude is as verbal as he seems you may want to start role playing some of these situations and teach him how to advocate for himself (in a non-violent way of course).
Both of my boys now know how to look another kid in the eyes and say: "Don't treat me like that. You are not allowed to hurt me."
It seems simple but I've been shocked at just how quick the other will stop short when one of them stands straight, looks him in the eyes and tells him that it's NOT OK to hurt him.
Aside from escalating with the school or changing schools that's all I've got.
My heart hurts for him!!! I can totally see why you're so emotional.
And FWIW - I've got one shorty too. I think it's gonna be a tough job as Moms to help them navigate being the shortest and all that goes with it without letting them get "short man syndrome".
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