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Multiples
cocojack10
member
For those with infertility...
cocojack10
member
in Multiples
Whether you conceived your multiples through IVF, IUI, etc bc of infertility, have you shared with your family, friends?
Dh and I TTC for over 2.5 yrs before we finally did our first IVF, which resulted in our amazing boys. We don't regret the choice we did. However, not many people know they are IVF babies (not that it is anyone's business really). Anyway, initially, we were very private about the whole infertility issue bc we were sorta ashamed (nothing to be ashamed of, we know, but still not socially discussed / accepted). Now, we still don't go blurting out we did IVF, but I'm more open about the whole process.
Just curious if anyone in same boat. Right now, the only people that know for us is our parents, siblings, and 2-3 close friends.
-- Jackie
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
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Re: For those with infertility...
i'm an open book with my IF - and have found that being open about it helps others talk about it. My boys (all of them) are from clomid/IUI. I have SOOO many friends who have used IF assistance to get pg - in this area (NJ/NYC) it's not uncommon at all - so people are quite open about it.
do what you are comfortable with.... in the end- it's nobody's business but yours... but I personally feel that the more open we all are about it- the less of a stigma it will have... more people will realize that they DO know people with IF - and it's not rare - and there's nothing wrong with ART when it's done responsibly.
our family and close friends knew we were dealing with IF and that our babies are a result of IVF. my H especially was *very* concerned about keeping it private.
for cycle #1 they were all aware we were going through it. however, when that failed, we decided to keep cycle #2 a secret b/c the first cycle there was so much pressure. while everyone meant well, we couldn't take being asked 5mm times/day how things were going, when we would find out, etc.
once we started announcing this pregnancy (and that it was twins), that's when the casual acquaintances/co-workers started to pry and ask. we were honest with people when they asked directly (which BTW is super awkward), but definitely didn't tell people we did IVF unless they asked.
We kept our IF a secret from most people till we found out we were pregnant with DD. When we started TTC #2 (and #3) we were completly open because I wanted people to understand what we were going through, and they couldn't do that if they didn't know.
We are now completly open with IF, I feel like all people know of ART is Kate and Octomom, which isn't true. Trying to chip away at that stereotype.
When it comes to "are the twins natural/do they run in your family" I avoid the ART talk, if they are asking, they aren't close enough to know about our IUIs, and not worth discussion. So I guess it depends : )
I was always pretty open about it, most friends knew we were having trouble, and I told my friends dealing with IF everything. We also decided to tell our families because the question started to come up and I know that during our struggle I could be kind of moody and they had know idea why. I had to tell my boss also because of all of the appointments, and he was incredibly understanding which was really helpful. I tried not to tell anyone exactly when we would have appts/be finding out results, not really sure why. I guess I just felt like I wanted DH and I to be able to share that part on our own.
Now, I'm very open about it. If strangers ask if twins run in the family, I just say no and try to leave the convo at that though.
Our families and friends all know since most were floored we announced not only were we expecting but expecting multiples. It is still very private though among DH's family--only his parents, to my knowledge, know about us doing IVF. My parents and sister knew we did a FET to be pg with #3 but we never discussed with DH's family. His family is strict Catholic (his brother's a priest, too) and DH didn't feel it necessary or comfortable sharing it with many of his family.
I'm open about it esp. with fellow friends who've either been TTC without success or have had an IF journey themselves. My mom, who had no issues TTC, doesn't see or understand why we've been semi-private about our IF struggles but it's one of those personal issues that DH and I prefer to share with only whomever we've chosen and feel supportive of sharing it with.
Ultimately, you gotta do what you feel comfortable with. By no means do I feel bad or guilty when I choose to stay mum about whether or not our twins are spontaneous or not. Ironically, no one speculates we did IVF with our current singleton--perhaps since DDs will be shy of 2, idk? Regardless, we're so very thankful for the children IVF has helped given us!!
We're pretty open, if asked about it... Our parents, siblings, close family, and some friends knew we were dealing with IF, and knew the different rounds of treatment we had done.
Since the twins have arrived, lots of random people have asked if twins run in our families (answer: "they do now") and if they're natural (answer: "no, they're part alien").
I went through IVF and I'm now pregnant w/ twins. I have only told our immediate families and a couple close friends as well. I'm not exactly ashamed of it, but I just feel like its so complicated and such a touchy subject for me that I dont like really talking about it with anymore that i'm not extremely close with. I also worry that people will "gossip" about the situation as well if it gets out there and I dont want my families personal info for everyone to really be talking about.
We didn't tell many people while we were going through treatments because I didn't want the "advice" from people who had never experienced IF or loss. We also didn't make any big pregnancy announcement -- most people didn't find out until after our anatomy scan.
Now that the girls are here, I'm very open about our journey. We get the "are they natural" or "were you surprised" comments all the time. I know what people want to know (if we used fertility treatments), and I have no problem answering them. I wish IF and loss were talked about more -- it would make both experiences much less lonely.
I'm much more open than DH and I try my very best to respect his privacy. A lot of my co-workers know and my whole family knows. DH's dad and stepmom do not know because DH doesn't want to worry his dad.
The funny thing is, they are the two people who both reacted with, "we thought it might be twins!" when we told them the news. They have no idea we did IVF and twins do not run in our family so I'm not sure where they got this, but whatever!
Yes, but we're not very vocal about it. Our family knows. We had to do IVF because I lost my tubes to an ectopic pregnancy. They know I had a ruptured ectopic and that I lost both tubes. Most people assume IVF/IUI anyway b/c of the twin thing.
I'm guarded because people can be VERY judgy. When I find out a family member or friend is suffering from IF, I privately offer our story. We were blessed to have treatment work the first time (with 3 frozen), I've found that's encouraging to a lot of people.
We were an open book about it. It took us 10 years and much heart ache to get here.
I'm very private about it. I ended up telling my mom after the fact since my sister had expressed some questions/concerns. That's it though.
For me, it's not just my story. While DH was totally fine, I don't want people to think otherwise.
We told family that we had been trying, and then after we got pregnant told them how.
I don't tell friends right off the bat, but I'll ask them "Why do you ask?" and if they mention something I validate it and let them know. Partially because we're military and it's thought that there is no IF support for military families when there really is, and also like you guys said above - the more people that talk about it, the less it'll be something to hide.
With strangers I normally don't because I'm probably in public and don't have the time or energy to explain what IUI is, etc etc. Even people who ask if you did IVF half of the time don't really understand what that is either.
I agree completely with all this. No one knew we were going through treatment. NO ONE. When we got pg we told our parents (because you have to do IVF If you have no tubes), but we let others come to their own conclusions. Its not something we're open about at all.
I get the "do they run in the family" thing all.the.time. I just say "nope, we just got lucky" and walk away. When did it become socially acceptable to pry into HOW a complete stranger conceived???
Yeah our family and close friends know. I have no problem telling people but DH is much more private about it. He doesn't tell anyone we did IUI, just that I was on fertility drugs which is fine. I think it makes him feel bad that people automatically assume IUI = low sperm count which is actually not the case at all...his sperm count was insanely good! It was just since I had so many issues we wanted to get pregnant as soon as we could so obviously IUI was a good choice.
Now if a stranger asks "oh do twins run in your family" I use the old standard "they do now!" They don't need to know about my IF issues....
After 2 years, Injects, PCOS diagnosis and 2 IUI's, we were blessed with our beautiful twin girls!
Baby Girl #3!
When we were going through our IUI's and IVF cycles, both our families and a couple of my closest girl friends knew. Once we announced that we were pregnant with triplets, we constantly get the "how did you get them" or "did you do in vitro" questions. If someone directly asks me if we had medical help, I do find it to be an intrusive question, but no one so far has seemed judgmental, just curious. If they don't ask directly, I don't share.
I am honest and say that, yes, we did IVF, because I feel like IF needs to be out of the closet. A couple of the people who have asked seem to have an attitude like fertility treatments are something you do for fun to have multiples on purpose, so I in those cases I added something like, "It was a very difficult road, and we were at the end of it. We thought we would never have biological children, so now we feel very blessed to have 3 on the way." That seems to enlighten them a little.
I think that whether you choose to share or not, either is completely fine. I am a private person by nature, but feel strongly that there is a lot of ignorance about IF that I want to do my small part to change. Overall, though, I would say that I am like you in that I don't broadcast the information.
Most of our families knew that we were having problems TTC but some didn't realize the extent. We tried fro 2 1/2 years - 1 yr on our own and 1 1/2 with IF. We only told our parents that we did IVF #1 and #2 happen so closely afterward that we didn't really have time to think about it much. We are expecting the triplets and people definitely always ask if there are multiples in the family and I always respond with " we needed some assistance." The questions don't typically go any further than that - which is good.
I totally agree that the more that we talk about it the less that there will be a social stigma attached with infertility and the treatment itself.
I am not embarrassed, I am totally OK with talking about IF
I still hate when people ask if twins run in our family, its such a passive aggressive way of asking if you had IF treatment
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This sounds A LOT like my Mother. She was telling everyone she knew I was doing IVF, and I would constantly tell her not to but she clearly didn't get it. It's very frustrating with her and her gossiping ways, so I guess I've learned not to tell her anything private from now on!