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Blended Families
res932
member
I am getting so tired of all of this (I'm sorry, long vent)
res932
member
BM has always been a pain in the a$$ to DH and I. She and DH got divorced when SS was 1 because she had an affair. Ever since then she has been in SS's life, but she hasn't been super-involved. BM and DH share custody, we have him Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other weekend, she has him Wednesdays and Thursdays and the weekends we don't have him. She works full time and often will leave him at either her mom's house or she used to leave him with MIL. Oftentimes, this is overnight. Currently, DH and MIL are having a falling out, and after MIL saying some really nasty things about DH and I, DH has chosen not to let SS have contact with MIL. This made BM upset because she lost a source of babysitting. Also, BM doesn't really have any rules. She lets SS do whatever he wants, which means that he eats junk all the time, stays home by himself (he's 8), ride the lawn tractor and swim in the pool unsupervised, etc. In the past, DH has also been guilty of letting SS get away with too much just because it was easier. Since getting married, and now with the baby on the way, DH and I have been laying down more rules for SS. These aren't unreasonable rules, he just needs to pick up his toys, not argue over everything, and do some chores. Another rule we have established is that as long as it is kid friendly SS has to eat what we eat for dinner. Up until recently, SS would never eat what we ate. He would only eat Mac n Cheese, chicken nuggets or fish sticks. It didn't matter if we were eating pizza, hamburgers, chicken, whatever, SS wouldn't eat it. Now we have a rule that as long as what we are eating is kid friendly then SS has to eat it or he has to make himself a PB&J. On Monday we had a Digorno pizza for dinner which SS ate two bites of and refused to eat. He wanted chicken nuggets, but DH said no. DH said he could get PB&J and SS said he wouldn't eat it. Then SS proceeded to say that he would just eat chips, and DH told him no. DH said if he didn't want the PB&J or to eat what we were having then he wasn't having anything. He could have one bowl of cereal before bed, but we weren't making him special meals all the time.
Well, BM sent DH a text yesterday saying that she wanted to take us back to court because SS couldn't live in a house where there are rules like that. DH said that the rules aren't unreasonable, but we aren't there to be SS's maids and short order cooks. BM continued on saying that we weren't being reasonable and SS is old enough to make his own decisions. I am so frustered by this! This is just one more example of BM trying to undermine us at every turn. She tells SS that our rules don't count, only what she tells him; that he doesn't have to listen to us; and she encourages him to keep secrets from us. I admit that our family isn't perfect, but we are trying. We have been having some adjustment issues and so we are seeing a family therapist to help us work better as a family, but even that BM throws in our face, saying that if DH and I are going to therapy is must be a toxic environment for SS. It doesn't make it any better that SS is always exaggerating the truth, saying DH and I "starve" him because we were making him eat what we eat, and we "locked" him in a bedroom for five hours at the beach (In actuality DH and I were having a private coversation with my parents at the beach and DH had SS go into the bedroom for a while, with a snack and the TV on. Definately not for five hours.)
I think SS is trying to game the system, playing BM and DH against eachother to get what he wants. He will tell BM that we are mean to him and always fighting. Yes, I admit that we had a big family fight back in January, but things have been ok since then. DH and I argue in private, and the only fighting we really do with SS is when he refuses to listen to us. It is so frusterating. I am tired of SS playing one against the other, and lying about us, and I'm tired of BM blowing everything out of proportion and trying to make everything into a battle. This is one of those times where I question whether I made the right decision in marrying someone with this kind of baggage and DH is saying that he can't wait until the baby gets here because he won't have to deal with all of these other people when it comes to the baby.
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Re: I am getting so tired of all of this (I'm sorry, long vent)
DH is saying that he can't wait until the baby gets here because he won't have to deal with all of these other people when it comes to the baby.
Oh but you will. Then it will be all the babies fault and how much better you treat the baby. Or how much more time/money you spend on the baby.
I have lived this and with BM#1 and DH's children now 15 and 11 I know I should have taken a harder stand in the first place. Let her know you would like to go to court to come up with a parenting plan. Your DH and her are both working in SSs best interest. He will get tired of saying it but he still needs to tell her 258 times till she gets it. If you stand strong now for what is right (BM and your H working as a team, SS having age appropriate rules) your whole family will be so much better off going forward.
Also unless there is a real safety concern your H shouldn't interfere with BMs babysitting arrangement.
I agree with you 100% about the meals. We have a similar rule, you have to eat what is prepared if you don' t like one part of the meal (like spinach or something else) that's fine but you have to try it - at least 2 normal sized bites. We will not fix you something else. You can eat more of what you like that is being served (chicken, rice, whatever).
The rules at our house may not be the same as the rules at BM's but our house = our rules. There is nothing wrong with not being a short order cook. We don't even do the PB&J thing. SD used to be very picky - she wouldn't eat vegetables or salad but once she realized that she had to a least try them she discovered that she liked most of them - even spinach! We always told her, you don't have to like it but you do have to try it. I think that kids think that if they have to try something then that means they are expected to like it. By telling them that they don't have to like something takes some of the pressure off & they are more open to it.
Going to therapy does not necessarily mean that the environment is toxic. I just means that you & DH are mature and reasonable people that are willing to seek out help for yourselves & your family.
It sounds like BM is being nit-picky however, SS's lying is fueling her fire. That needs to be addresses immediately by both parents. SS needs to know that lying in any form will not be tolerated & there will be consequences (ie. taking away priviliges or what ever).
Good luck.
He was meaning it in the way that the baby will be ours and he wont have to split time with the baby or have someone down his throat about what is going on.
As far as BM's babysitting arrangement, if she is using DH's mom and DH and his mom are having a problem I don't think it is right that she send SS there because MIL talks bad about us to SS and puts ideas in his head. We just don't want him to be a part of that.
Look lets got real here, your SS has clearly grown up in a tumultuous often toxic environment. Just because you and your DH have 'recently' decided to get help, and sort yourselves out does not mean that the child will simply fall in line.
This is all new to him and not what he is used to so you probably need to cut him some slack and realize that he is a product of his environment.
All of a sudden you have decided he should eat what you are eating so all of a sudden he should eat it - it simply does not work that way. While I agree with you and think you are right, it should have been that way from day one.
All of the new rules will take time to adjust to. Also the fact that BM and DH are not only not on the same page, but working against each other means that he may never truly get it.
What you are doing right now all sounds good but it is all new to your SS. Counseling might not be a bad idea for the kiddo.
I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about the empty threats of a woman who isn't exactly the best mother. Your DH should call her bluff and say, "Fine. I'll see you in court".
And if she does take him to court, I suggest that he in turn seek full custody.
Does (did) your MIL say bad things about you and your DH to your SS? If not, then I really don't think denying her to babysit SS is really the right decision. If BM is the one dealing with MIL directly, I don't see a whole lot of harm in it.
All of these new rules are going to take time for you SS to adjust too. I have to deal with the food issue all the time with my DD. She tries new things, but I swear even if I know she likes it she will act like it taste like dog poop. It is hard!
I think doing family counseling is great. Maybe ask your counselor what he thinks about including your SS in some sessions, it might not be a bad idea.
Maybe I'm confused?
How does your H get to dictate who babysits for BMs child?
It is DH's child too. He doesnt want his mother watching SS because of the type of influence she is on him.