Fertile Mom Friends

patchen30 · August 2011

I got looped into an email w/ 5 of my fertile mom friends on it - they were all talking about getting together wi/ my shower which is how I ended up on the email. Shortly after though the conversation turned to BFing and having "family get togethers" with all their kids, etc.

I felt SO left out, the sting came right back. It's probably partly b/c they all have outside babies and I can't really relate yet to what they're talking about, but it's partly b/c of IF. All the old thoughts started coming back - my sensitivity to the word "family" b/c for so long we've just been a couple and not a "family" I guess, and thoughts about how the only topic of conversation for them is babies.

I wonder if I will ever feel that I fit in w/ them?

Echloe · August 2011

I'm sure it will feel better once you have an outside baby. I'm already looking forward to getting to be back in the group. The only difference for me is that my friends all have older kids and toddlers at this point. : (

steveandkim2 · August 2011

Echloe:
I'm sure it will feel better once you have an outside baby. I'm already looking forward to getting to be back in the group. The only difference for me is that my friends all have older kids and toddlers at this point. : (

This is us too---although most of my friends are excited to experience the "fun parts" of the baby stage vicariously through me, but then they get to STTN....

Ya Never Know · August 2011

I often wonder if I will ever feel that I fit in with my friends as well. We all started trying to have babies around the same time, and they all got pregnant quickly. I watched them go through all their first pregnancies, have their first babies.. and now their kids are all well over a year old and they're on to their second babies (two of them will have their seconds before I have my first).

I feel left out because by the time I have my kid, everything is old news to them. My first experiences will be something they're totally used to, and I guess I just wish I had friends who were becoming mommies for the first time so that I could share that experience with someone who was going through it for the first time too.

I'm the only one out of all of my friends who hasn't had a child yet, and I think that my only way to get around feeling left out will be to engage in playgroups for new mommies when my baby is born, so that I can meet new people who are going through the experience of having their first child.

I felt like an outcast when I had no baby on the horizon, and I figured that would go away when I got pregnant.. but now when I get together with my friends, they have all the 'family' conversations and only talk about their kids, and how hard it will be when their second baby gets here.. then they look at me and tell me how much easier it will be for me since I will just have one kid to deal with while they will all have two. I feel like if I at all whine about having a bad night or something with my baby (like they all did with their firsts), everything I say is just going to be like: "oh, you think it's hard with one, just wait until you have two"... I hate this kind of behavior, but it's one that several of my friends have already adopted.

I've had several friends tell me they're pregnant with their second children.. and I have to admit that somehow (and I know this is sad), I'm jealous that they are on to their seconds, because I feel like I should be at this point too, and I'm not. I get over it a lot quicker now that I'm pregnant, but I'm shocked that I can still feel this way somehow. IF really screws with you.

I'm sorry that you feel this way, but you're definitely not alone.

sterpstra10 · August 2011

I'm right there with you! One of my dearest friends got pg with her 1st without even really timing anything, and then she called me last night to say she is pg with her 2nd after being off protection for not even a month. On the one hand, I'm so happy that she doesn't have to deal with any of the IF crap that we have - but then I also don't know how to respond. I just told her congratulations and didn't really have much else to say. It's really hard, but I just try to focus on the fact that I don't wish IF on anyone - especially not one of my closest friends. Hang in there, sweetie! All of us here understand.

ladychicago · August 2011

I have found that it really depends on the friends... some moms - I feel like we live in two different worlds and I can't relate, largely due to IF and the way IF has shaped my mentality towards family, children, parenting, etc. But other moms, it is no big deal at all.

I have no doubt you will find a group you click with, but there are also things that always make you feel like an "outsider" among other moms. Be it whether your are BFing/FFing, your parenting style, choices you make as a parent... you name it. But the shared experience of becoming a mother and being a mother definitely creates instant conversation and common ground once you have an outside baby!

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