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Pregnant after 35
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Guilty about feeling jealous now
I am so green with jealousy its pathetic.
While all these wonderful women I interact with on this site are getting their Showers thrown for them. I sit here green with envy. And growing more bitter by the day.
I found out the real reasons for people's retractions of their shower offers. My step daughter has made it abundantly clear that she HATES our baby and will not speak to anyone in the family who supports us in this poor child's birth or life in general and seeing that she is the first born for my husband, they are all in cahoots to be there for her because she knows how to lay on the guilt like a new tarmac.
It came to a head this weekend when hubby and I cancelled our plans to attend a family gathering to say goodbye to our niece who is going off to college in a week because he had to start his job finally.
It was made abundantly clear at that time that this step daughter threw such a tantrum about us and was so thrilled that we didn't show up that she went on a total baby beatdown on how I didn't deserve to be happy and that I deserve to lose this baby. I probably would not have believed this if it had not gotten back to us from 2 SILs and my niece herself and my other 2 step children that were supposed to be our baby's god parents.
Worst part was that they all think that she has a point - that we left her flat and that we will have to fend for ourselves for this baby. They didnt call to ask any questions, they called to abuse us by demanding an explanation on why and how we could leave her with no income and all this other crap.
My MIL was the only one who was very angry over the bashing but once her grandaughter came running over crying looking for a hug she even changed her tune and wanted to know when and how we told her about the move - unbelievable as it may seem we are now flying solo. Even the god parents for this baby backed out because they "can't hurt their other sister like that"
So needless to say - it is so very hard for me to read the posts of people being so overjoyed by the gifts and excitement when we will be left with no one caring for this little guy but the two of us. I feel sorry that this is the kind of ignorant family that he is a part of. Even SO is ready to turn his back on them all and leave them behind. This was all caused by one little lying young woman who feels that the world owes her.
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Re: Guilty about feeling jealous now
Don't let you step daughter steal your joy over having a baby. Next time someone says anything to you about having a baby or how horrible you are treating your stepdaughter, ask them why you should not have any happiness. Point out that you are doing what you need to be doing for yourself. Don't drag stepdaughter into it.Or make an issue of leaving her to stand on her own two feet. She is a grown woman and capable of taking care of herself.
I would also lay a huge guilty trip on those who offered then backed out of the shower. I would ask them if they intend on treating their niece/ nephew / sister/ brother that way for life.
I would also point out how their behavior is not welcome and until they are willing to hear both sides of the issue they should refrain from contact.
Wow! I can't imagine what this has been like for you! What an awful family you have to deal with...I feel so sorry for you that you're being treated like this! I would leave them all and have nothing to do with any part of that family. What does your SO have to say about how they are all acting? Has he stuck up for you with them? All I can suggest is leave and never look back! You don't deserve this at this time in your life. What about your family or friends? Has anyone on your side offered to help or throw you a shower?
V - thank you for your supportive words. I never thought I could feel badly for being jealous until now. So your words helped me put things into perspective a little.
And tbaban - SO is over the whole thing. His family has always been fickle and never sure how to act towards anyone. Not even his best friend was treated with any respect so he is ready to just tell them all to go screw...literally. Sad thing is that this time they are attacking us BOTH.
My family is non-existent. I HAD brothers until my father died and now they have not said one word to me since. I actually have no clue where they are. As for the rest of the relatives I have left in this world - most are too old or sickly to plan anything.....
As for friends many of the friends I had before leaving my hometown are now gone like the buffalo wandering the world or permanently gone from the city and since I got my BFP right after getting home I never got the chance to meet anyone new to make friends with....Sigh.
Thus the reason for the jealousy,.....
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!!I think your SO needs to put her daughter in place, period.
As far as the rest of his family, I agree with the PP, you need to isolate yourself from them it's not worth the stress they put on you!
As for not having your family/old friends around you, please know, that you're not alone.I moved to the US from Europe, 10 yrs ago, all by myself.I do not have any family except for SO's (who are wonderful people, but all live across the country).While I do know a lot of people through work,they are more acquaintances than close friends.I miss my family terribly, and I wish they could be here for me during this wonderful journey.
No one is throwing me a baby shower,either...while everyone around me is getting one.Believe me, I get a bit sad sometimes, but I do know, that there are people who love me, it's just that they can't be here physically.
Maybe it's time to find your brothers and let them know you're expecting, and how much you miss them, etc.it may take time to mend things between you, but in the end, you will have a family again.
In the meantime, focus on the small joys of your pregnancy. Hope you're feeling better!
Yes gymkatinka it is sad to say but SO is in a bad situation. We are attempting to finally settle in on our own and we are attempting to stay semi-close with at least some form of family.
My brothers however, flat out in not so polite words as I will use here - we tolerated you because of dad but we never accepted that he moved on and had a new family that didnt include us. Now that he is gone there is no reason to talk to you.
I am over that at this point but feel horrible that my baby's own oldest sister will be behaving the same way and that there is a possibility that the other two who were to be god parents to him will also feel it necessary to back away and avoid getting to close at all due to her animosity.
Thank you in general for your kind words. I am hoping that I can simply get passed all of this and just forget about the things that people have said to us that hurts so badly.
Sheesh! That step-daughter of yours wields far too much power over her family. It is sad to see her manipulate all those around her. Being the adult I coulds see you being able to blow her off and just ignore her antics but she is now taking it out on your defensless baby, her soon to be brother.
I feel horrible that everyone is forgetting that an innocent baby is coming into this family. Instead of being happy for you guys people are choosing to be manipulated by your step-daughter and focus all their negative attention on her every whim and gripe.
All I can say is I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Your baby, you and your SO deserve support right now not more DRAMA!!!!
Good Luck. Keep your chin up but I know that is easier said than done.
Thaks Geeps and quinncat - she is 26 but acts like she is 16 - sometimes even 12.
She has a sense of entitlement because of her life that she has screwed up so badly.
It's so hard at times like this - to feel isolated from family - when you are just wanting a little reassurance and support.
I live 5000 miles away from my sisters and Mom and I swear that distance is more noticable now than ever before in my life. This is also not the lpace that I went HS or college so my friends are limited more than they used to be. It's hard and can feel very lonely.
Don't feel guilty about being jealous - while it may not be one of the most gracious feelings we can have, I think we call deal with it now and again. For example, a friend down the street just got the jogger stroller I've been eyeing for MONTHS. She's not even PG yet. I swear, I just stare at those three wheels and burn with envy. It's stupid and petty but it's also real and part of what makes me - me.
As for your family - just stop. I know it is easier for outsiders to say than it is for you to do but just stop going around them. The sooner you learn to block them and their words from your life, the better off you will be. You will eventually develop skills that allow you to let them into your life - on your terms - not on theirs. Right now, they are running the show and you are just spinning your wheels. It's the last thing that you need - you have a baby to grow!
Also, it's ok to raise a kid on your own. My single Mom rasied us 2 states away from her family because she didn't want us raised around a bunch of drunks. Guess what? As an adult - and a FTM - I totally get that decision and how much strength and bravery it took for her to make that decision. She didn't have help with child care, etc...but she rasied the only 3 grandchildren (out of 34) who went to college, didn't have babies in HS, aren't hooked on meth, etc...I'm sure she was very lonely at times, too. You will be OK. Just do what you know is best for you and your baby.
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
I see your points Cheezeface.
SO is a great man and feels badly that we have to go through all this. Its just one big stressor after another. But I know that we will eventually get passed all this crap and move forward. I think its the kick the habit thing we are going through.
He left his family for 5 years and just came home to a sh!tstorm of drama.