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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Ziegeficker
member
Why won't people just let me be mad?!
Ziegeficker
member
Hello everyone...I was pretty sad to join this group a week ago when we lost our baby at 10 weeks, but perusing through here has done wonders for my ability to keep it together at times. So, thank you for that...it's been a blessing finding this board.
My father and step-mother were in town to visit us when we had to go to the ER due to cramping and excessive bleeding, and they were standing right there for the news that we'd lost our baby (this was our first pregnancy, my parents first grandchild, and my grandparents first great-grandchild on both sides of my family, so EVERYONE knew about our pregnancy pretty early on). For the sake of enjoying my visit with my dad, who I never get to see very often, I tried to put this on the backburner as best as I could and grieved only in private. Now that they have left, I am a just an emotional ball of craziness.
I don't cry as often as I did when I first got the news, but I am so angry all the time...at everyone, at everything. And hardly anybody wants to hear it. When I talk about how I feel, I know I come off as pessimistic, cynical, juvenile, and kind of bitchy, but I can't help that this is how I'm feeling right now...and I want someone to listen without always trying to gear me back toward being positive. I lost something I wanted dearly for reasons nobody knows -- why can't I be mad?! Why can't I express my fears that this is going to mar the excitement I feel with my next pregnancy, or that I might have another miscarriage? I'm not asking to dwell on these fears, just to express them. But when I do, people tell me I'm in danger of letting this grief define me....when it's only been a week!!
The optimistic thing is getting so insanely irritating to me that I'm afraid I'm just going to blow up at the next person who tells me, "At least you have your health...and you can try again!" If my husband died, nobody would tell me to just "try again" to get another husband a week after it happened...It's as if miscarriage grief is disingenuous to some people...like we get to be sad for a while, but then all other stages of grief are off limits.
I do try to be optimistic, I really do. When I'm alone, I tell myself that things truly could be worse and that, yes, at least we are able to try again -- and we will. But healing like this can only come from inside of me. I am thankful for the support we've received...but I wish someone would let me get these negative feelings out without thinking that mentioning them even once is going to send me spiraling into some dark abyss. Because I'm starting to feel crazy now that nobody wants me to acknowledge them. Sometimes I feel like these feelings are actually making *them* uncomfortable, and that's why they're always trying to end things on a positive note. But miscarriages aren't positive -- maybe the experiences we share with others as a result are positive, but miscarriages are not.
I'm sorry for venting...I guess I just wanted to know if this is a common thing for grieving women in our shoes to experience. And, if so, how did you cope?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Why won't people just let me be mad?!
BFP #1 mm/c at 12w1d
It's good to get it out.
I heard on the radio the other day that people don't have a good way to grieve a miscarriage like a funeral. Or poeple are just unkind without knowing it, but they haven't been there and don't know what to say. We don't tell others that we are hurting and why. And if we do that seem to blow-it off. You have a right to be mad and vent. I am still mad too and I've done this before. It gets better but I am still sad about the first time almost 4 years ago.
Sorry if that didn't help. But you are not alone even when it feels like it.
TTC since 7/10, BFP#1~6/28/11(4wks2d)~EDD 3/4/12, missed m/c(8wks)~8/12/11, D&C~8/16/11
BFP#2~12/15/11~EDD 8/25/12, Hannah born 8/22/12~ 7lbs 10oz & 21 in. long.
BFP#3~1/12/14~EDD 9/23/14, Found out baby is a girl!~4/18/14
|| [url=http;//www.fertilityfriend.com[url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/34aafc/]My Ovulation Chart[/url] || [url=http;//www.fertilityfriend.com]Ovulation Chart[/url]I am sorry
I have also been mad this week. I actually just got off the phone with someone who had two miscarriages and it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't try to give me an answer or a "saying" but just listened. So many people want to give advice or point you in a positive direction but I am just not ready for that and it sounds like you aren't yet either.
BFP #1 6.19.11 ~ EDD 2.23.12 ~ CP on 6.22.11
BFP #2 7.23.11 ~ EDD 3.28.12 ~ MC on 8.16.11
BFP #3 11.17.11~ EDD 7.31.12 ~ MC on 1.18.12
BFP #4 4.12.12 ~ EDD 12.25.12~ Born on 12.26.12
I think the anger is totally normal. Something was taken from you. I was filled with rage for a bit. My poor husband had to listen to most of it. I am sure I was pretty incoherent at times. I was just so angry. I wanted to punch a co-worker for coming into my cube. I hated all pregnant women especially ones I didn't think deserved to have children. I hated everything. I think I may have even resorted to "why me". My husband just stood back and let me go on. I just needed something to be angry at for the miscarriage.
He has now told me he was scared he wasn't going to get his wife back. I love him even more for just listening.
TTC #1 since 5/10
BFP #1 7/22/11 - EDD 4/2/11 - M/C 8/15/11 (7w0d)
BFP #2 9/23/11 - EDD 6/5/12 ♥It's a Girl♥
BFP #3 2/20/13 - EDD 11/2/13 ♥It's a Girl♥
Be mad! Be pissed off! And let it out here. Other people may try to understand and their intentions are good, but they don't understand.
I think it's important to feel every emotion and not apologize for it. People grieve in different ways and if you want to use anger, that's ok!!!! People who know and love you will love you no matter what and anger won't scare them away.
Vent away! We are here for you!
You are all so truly amazing...I have told people that losing a baby is like being inducted into a secret, exclusive club that nobody asked to join. Nobody really talks about it, and people who aren't in the club don't know a thing about it (even though they might think they do), but then you find other members and realize that there is immeasurable support, understanding, and compassion. And I have to say, after the day I've had, I really needed it.
My husband grieves differently than me -- Sometimes he just needs some space from his own grief and pain and can't handle it when I get super, super negative and mad. He is very understanding and caring, but we have had a lot of negativity in our lives lately (a friend of ours just passed away, he's having a lot of job troubles, family stuff, etc.)...It really helps to have a group of understanding ladies to vent to so that we can both stay independently sane enough to come together to grieve for and with each other.
Even though logging onto this site is slightly sad at first -- I mean, look at all the pregnant memes!!
-- I love having this group. It's like a lot of ladies have been saying -- they feel really down and then suddenly remember we're here...and then they feel a little better. 
Yes, this is *exactly* what I mean, and it makes me even sadder
Because I hate feeling this way. I hate looking at my friends and thinking terrible things...I mean, I love these people, and yet I find myself saying to myself, "How come you got a baby, and mine died?!?!" I had to hide every single friend of mine on Facebook with children of any kind...but especially the pregnant and new moms. That is, if I can even log into Facebook at all....Children and reminders of what happened seem to be everywhere.
Screw them! Go ahead and be mad! You have a right to grieve and be p!ssed off at your situation. We all do. You just lost a child. I'll never understand why people pass off miscarriage/baby losses as something to "get over" so quickly. It's something that we will always carry with us. Let the sensitive babies to whom you're talking to know that you're not mad at them - you're mad and the situation and you need to fricking vent!
I copied this from my other online support group. I hope it will help. It gives comebacks for many of the stupid comments we get from "well-meaning" people.
KEY POINTS TO HELP YOU WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDSYou and your partner may have found a comforting seclusion in your home immediately after your loss, but eventually you have to face the outside world. Once you start informing colleagues and acquaintances about your loss, you may have to grapple with well-intentioned but hurtful remarks. Friends and family with children may expect you to attend events that involve their youngsters, as if nothing happened to you.
Here are some suggestions for talking with other about your loss:
Let others know that you need help. Friends and family usually respond well to a specific request when they otherwise wouldn?t know what to do or say.
Respect your need to talk and be heard, and choose good listeners, who care about you, it is vital that you reach out to others during this sad time.
Plan how you will phrase the news of your loss to colleagues and acquaintances, in a simple, brief manner. Respect your need to decline discussing details you don?t want to share.
Allow your feelings of upset to surface if someone makes an insensitive remark. If you feel like it, take the opportunity to educate others about pregnancy loss, telling them how they could respond more helpfully.
Consider telling those close to you who are pregnant or who have small children that it will be difficult for you to socialize with them for a while. If you feel you can?t attend celebrations because you are too emotionally raw, send your regrets. Relatives and friends who care for you will probably understand.
The five worst comments you might hear and what to say.
?It happened for the best.? No matter what caused your loss, it is unlikely you believe it happened for the best. This statement negates your loss and sorrow.
What you can say in response: ?I know you mean to be comforting, but I don?t think bad things happen to people for the best.?
?Don?t worry, you can have another baby.? You need to mourn the baby you lost. Children are not replaceable.
What you can say in response: ?I?m very sad about losing this baby, who meant so much to me.
?You didn?t really know the baby, so it?s not like losing a child who has lived with you awhile.? Although there is a distinction between these two losses, this is not a comforting comment. You have lost the dream of having that particular child. Although your loss may be different from losing an older child, it should never be deemed unworthy of grief.
What you can say in response: ?I?m sad because I will never know this baby.?
?I know exactly how you feel? Unless the friend or relative has been through a similar loss, this phrase may ring false and make you angry. You probably wished they had asked you how you felt instead.
What you can say in response: ?It?s hard to know how this feels unless you?ve been through it yourself.?
?What are you going to do now?? You may be too stunned by your loss to make plans about your future family. This question is an invasion of your privacy unless you volunteered to talk about it.
What you can say in response: ?I really don?t feel like discussing that right now. I?d rather talk about the baby I just lost.?
Having people say nothing at all hurts deeply because it negates your loss and the impact it has on your lives. On the other hand, simply saying ?I don?t know what to say? is honest and acknowledges the dimensions of your sorrow.
What you can say in response: ?I realize you don?t know what to say about my pregnancy loss, but I don?t mind talking about it and it helps me to remember my baby.?
The five best comments you might hear
??I?m so sorry, I know how much you wanted to have that baby? This statement acknowledges your sorrow and gives you permission to grieve.
??It?s okay to cry.? This response validates your feelings and your need to express them without embarrassment or guilt.
??Would you like to talk about it?? The friend or relative who responds with this sensitive question offers the best support possible-a willing ear, a comforting shoulder and a healthy respect for your needs.
??Is there anything I can do for you?? Family and friends may offer consolation through practical help. This allows you to say what you need, whether a home cooked meal, help with difficult phone calls or assistance dismantling the baby?s room.
??May I call you back in a few days to see how you are doing?? After a while you may find that others no longer want to talk about your loss. Family and friends who assure you that they will continue to listen and comfort you in the months to come are truly loved ones.
@Lbloom, those are all wonderful suggestions...I wish more people knew how to help a grieving mother of a lost baby. I have heard a lot of the comments from the "worst" category above and very few from the "best." I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I appreciate the support, but it's amazing to me how nobody seems to know how to handle this despite pregnancy losses being so common.
The best things people have done for me so far was to tell me what they went through as a way of telling me I'm not alone and that my feelings are normal; to give me space and not bombard me with phone calls; one friend brought me a lasagna (on one of my worst days, too...the timing couldn't have been better); to offer me a hug; and tell me that I am free to talk to them any time about anything. The few friends I have that have done these things for me make the rest of the comments bearable. I have to constantly remind myself, 'They are saying these seemingly insensitive things because they don't know what this grief feels like -- Lucky them -- But they are not trying to hurt me.' Because a lot of the bad comments are coming from the people closest to me...the "Trying again will be the fun part!" comment is the worst....
I'm so tired of hearing, "Things will get better...you'll have another baby....I understand how you feel..." The things people say...
They say I lost my baby
Although you were never misplaced
They say she is in a better place now
Was my home not good enough
They say I'll be able to have more children
I will never be able to replace you
They say I'll get back to my normal self
I will never be the person I was
They say nothing could have prevented this
In my eyes that will never be true
They say they know how I feel
I'll genuinely smile once more but the emptiness will stay
They say time will make it right
Time only helps ease my pain and lets me sleep at night
They say one day we'll meet again
Until then I'll just keep writing and talking to you in my mind
They say everything happens for a reason
Who are they to say
I just want to be upset...let me be mad for a little bit...
@lhakers -- That sums it up...no matter what people say, I always have a "but..." and people just think I'm being super negative about this. No matter how long you keep me sitting in a room talking to me, you're not going to fix this, so how about just shutting up and listening? Or giving me a hug? These are the only things that can help.
Yesterday I wasn't so mad, but today I'm back to being mad. I work in customer service and always want to yell at people when they call -- "Oh, you think you have real problems?!?" Obviously, I don't do that...but I carry that anger with me throughout the day sometimes...I know someday soon it's going to get me in trouble.