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Working Moms
Thoughts on going from 1 to 2 children?
I would love your thoughts (good and bad) on going from one to 2 children and being a working mother. DH and I would really like to have a second but we're a little worried that we won't be able to handle it and will end up taking away from DS. If we decide to go for it, we will TTC next spring so DS will be 3 yo when the baby would be born.
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Re: Thoughts on going from 1 to 2 children?
We're one and done for a number of reasons. But one of the reasons is what the PP mentioned - I already feel stretched, and w/ my DH's job, it would just put a LOT more pressure on ME to have to juggle two children.
I've been thinking more recently about it, though, and if we were to have a 2nd, I feel like DS being 3 would be great. He is becoming so much more independant and easier to deal with and I feel that having a baby, while hard, wouldn't be AS hard as I feel it would have been up until now. I know people do "2 under 2" (or around 2) all the time, but it holds absolutely NO appeal to me at all.
We're still one and done- these thoughts arent' changing that. But - just wanted to express why I like the idea of the 3 year age gap.
Also had to say - people do it all the time. Having 2 kids w/ a busy schedule. I have 2 friends who are single moms of 2 kids. (Their ex's have joint custody, though, so it's not 24/7)
But - at the same time, you have to look at your own life and how that would play into it. My DH works 2 weeks on and 1 week off. While he actually ends up home a fair amount during his "on" time, I have to PLAN on being a single mom, basically. We can't rely on his schedule at all. And it's hard w/ just one child. I truly can't see doing it w/ 2 while also working a FT job myself.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have 2 under 2. It is harder and easier than it was with just my first.
Harder-- zero down time, someone always needs something, going from STTN to waking up multiple times a night was brutal
Easier-- I know how to be a mom, love our daycare situation, kids play together, doing everything for one more isn't that bad
The hardest part was when DS was 5-9m. He wasn't napping well and still waking up at night to nurse and my DD was being difficult with bedtime. I would finish with them at 9 and then need to clean/make bottles/prep for the next day and be in bed by 10. I was really burning out, had no time for myself and was tired all the time.
But now it is great-- DS is weaned, so we eat as a family, both go to bed around 7:30/8:00, and they both nap the same time every day for a few hours. We all do stuff together. My DS is also a much easier baby, so things I would have never done by myself with just DD (like take her to Target), I would feel comfortable doing with both. Things seem easier now with DS at 12m than they were when we only had DD at 12m.
I have twins and a demanding career. There is no way we'd even think about adding another child into the mix until the girls are 4-5 and in school and more easily able to play independently and fend for themselves.
With that said, we want 4 so eventually we'll just have to go for it
I don't have two kids yet so I don't know for sure how crazy it'll be, but I just know I can't imagine only having one kid ... we want three!
We are lucky that our schedules are pretty normal so we divide everything equally and manage it all pretty well. And we have a great daycare lady.
I just figure we'll manage somehow!
DH and I have had a hard time adjusting from 1-2 children. Now, things are easier...but the 2 different schedules really got to us. Having a needy toddler and a baby with reflux...and 2 different routines got exhausting. Now that they are somewhat on the same schedule things are way easier. They are 25 months apart. If we were to have a 3rd (which right now scares the crap out of us) we would wait till DD is 3-3.5.
On the positive side we haven't seen any jealousy with our son, he always wants to help feed/hold/get things for his sister. She is also really interested in him now and watches everything...they really seem into each other. It's awesome to watch!
I found 1-2 way easier than 0-1. I agree with the PPs assessment that it's tough initially, but easier long term since they have that playmate and are less demanding than an only child would be. You do take away some attention, but give them a playmate to grow up with. It balances out.
Yes! I would love to know the answer...
Our 2nd was born when DS #1 was 34 months. We are only a little over two months in, but so far it is going better than I expected. DS has not been jealous at all and has actually really bonded with daddy this summer after always being a mama's boy. I go back to work next week, so I am sure things will get much harder then but so far it has been great and DS seems to love being a big brother. Honestly, the newborn is a piece of cake the 2nd time around compared to the first but I am sure it will get harder as he sleeps less and becomes more demanding.
I worried about this a lot since DS2 was a surprise. I couldn't agree more with this assessment-- wish I had read this when I was stressing and crying about getting KU!
For me, I thought going from 1 to 2 was easier than having my first. With DD I was a pretty anxious mom and I stressed out about a lot of things - I lacked confidence in my instincts and I tended to worry about every little thing. When DS came along, I was so much more relaxed and confident that it just seemed really easy to take care of him. My DD was luckily not jealous and I had a lot of help and support around - my parents stayed with me for a while and my MIL came over often, plus we still had our nanny coming every day - so she still got lots of attention even when I was stuck with DS on my boob nearly all day.
The one hard part was losing almost all of my "free" time. With just DD, we could get her to bed and have a good bit of time to relax and spend time together in the evenings, but when DS came along most of that disappeared and we just flat out don't have that much time to ourselves anymore. I also nursed DS much longer than I did DD (still nursing him, in fact) and he refused to take bottles most of the time, so that had an effect on me as well because I felt much more tied to him and unable to get away even when I had the opportunity. But I don't consider that a factor of having 2 kids, it's more just how my DS was and the way things worked out with BFing for me.
I'll also add that having 2 kids forced me to balance my work and personal life a bit more. I work full time from my house and my nanny is done at 5pm. In my job, most people work well past 5 and during certain times of the year (tax season ) I have always needed to be available almost 24/7. With just DD, since she'd gotten more independent I was able to stop working but still monitor my Blackberry and respond to anything urgent, and then I'd work more in the evenings after she was in bed. Once DS came along I couldn't do that anymore and my ability to work at night was reduced because it is much later before both kids are settled in bed. So I had to get through feelings of guilt for not being able to work as much as my colleagues and resentment for feeling guilty about it. I still struggle some but I've gotten pretty comfortable with the current balance - and I'm still getting positive feedback from my job so I think it's working out okay.
We are actually starting to talk about having a third, so I guess that says something right there!
It was hard but also very easy if that makes sense. I have a demanding career that requires occasional travel, but I really like my job. DH is incredibly supportive and involved and while his job is physically demanding, it's not time wise.
I make sure when I'm with the kids, I'm really with them. We have a routine down for daily life and I fit the unexpected in while I can. It was definitely easier with one but I wouldn't change it for the world!
We have two, 22.5 months apart. It was VERY challenging for us but every situation is different. My DH works long and irregular hours as a grain farmer, owning his own business. That plus, as PP noted, busy toddler AND reflux baby, made it hard. DS's reflux also contributed to me getting mastitis FOUR TIMES--also sucky.
I am seriously considering looking for PT job in the new year. Our work/life balance is not working due to DH's schedule PLUS my full time work (and occasional evening events), but that's our individual situation.
And all that said, it's totally worth it. Completely. I love having two and we are considering three. It took me slightly longer to totally bond w/ DS b/c I didn't have days to spend just admiring his little baby ears and eyelashes as I did with DD, but I feel guilty even saying that b/c I love him SO much now. We love them both and I enjoy watching them interact. The first few months are really hard and we're still crazy busy but the kids are awesome.
The way I see it, my job is temporary but my kids are forever.
Also, what has saved us is having a nanny. It's huge for us not having to pack up the kids, and having someone home during the day who can do little things like water the garden, so some laundry, start the crockpot, etc. is a lifesaver.
Obviously I don't have first hand experience, but DH & I want 3 or 4 kids, so I was asking my girlfriend this question recently (she has 3).
She said (in her opinion) going from 0-1 was harder than going from 1-2.
But she said going from 2-3 was hardest of all.
This exactly. I will add I found it somewhat easier 1-2 than 0-1 b/c I already have experience. The first few months w/ any newborn and sleep deprivation is going to be rough. I have heard from other mom's that it's the younger child that will develop jealousy. Jealous they are not big or old enough to do certain things they're sibling can do.
I thought going from 0-1 was harder, but DH thinks 1-2 is harder because there's less downtime. Before, we could tag-team and now we tend to both be responsible for at least one kid all day long. With us, DS was a tough baby--colic, reflex, needy in general--and DD is mellow as all get out.
DS was 34 months when DD was born. I think it's been a good age gap. He's old enough to understand a little bit about how the baby sometimes has to come first and to help out and be more independent.
That said, I think it's really hard managing two kids. I constantly feel like I'm neglecting one or the other. We're lucky in that they both are on similar schedules, so our nights are not a lot different, just busier.
Watching them together is awesome, though. She thinks he's hilarious and loves to watch him. He loves his "little baby sister" and gets a kick out of making her laugh or telling her stuff.
We looked at it as short-term pain for long-term gain. As they get older, it gets easier. Well, until they start having a bunch of activities, I'm sure! I have to say I am really, really tired a lot of the time right now, and that's with two kids that sleep fairly well. And I only work 32 hours/week.
Taking care of 2 children is harder than taking care of 1 child. There are twice as many illnesses, twice as many bowel movements, twice as many snacks on the floor, etc. But sure, there are fewer surprises the second time around, I guess. I wanted my oldest child to have a sibling and I think we are a happier family for it. But don't think it is going to be easy.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO