- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
January 2012 Moms
When your best friend is the cheater (NBR)
So my husband and I have been together since high school and my best friend and his best friend were on again off again forEVER then finally got married 3 years ago.
Today I found out that she cheated on him on Friday. Things haven't been great for a while, they were in counseling, so she basically wanted out. My husband's best friend is very much the victim in this and I just feel so bad. I've known him forever and want to be there for him.
I've talked with my bff and told her that while I completely disagree with what she's done and that it was a terrible way to get out, I'll also be there for her. DH on the other hand is understandably PISSED. Any words of wisdom out there? I am at a loss.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When your best friend is the cheater (NBR)
My life has been torn apart by cheating and DH's too, so we have a hard time dealing with anyone that cheats. So... that being said, feel free to take this with a grain of salt.
Personally I'd remove myself from the situation, best friend or not. I can get past a lot of differences, but I could not remain objective in this case. It makes it harder that your DH is friends with the husband, so he'll be involved as well. The last thing you need is stress right now!
Morgan's Birth Story: http://www.fullcirclemidwifery.com/2009/06/morgans-birth/
Chloe's Birth Story: http://www.fullcirclemidwifery.com/2012/04/chloes-birth/
Not exactly the same situation, but I think the same response may apply...
A few years ago, my bff was having an affair with a married father of 3. I basically told her that I love her and want her to be happy, but I didn't approve of the relationship and to let me know when the relationship ended, but that I didn't want to hear about it at all.
Your situation is far more complex and stickier, but I think you could say something along the same lines, ie. that you still love her, but can't be okay with what she did.
I think I can really relate here because I remained (and still am) friends with my BIL's ex-FI. She is a sweetheart and was totally wronged by him, and the cheating wasn't even the worst part. He is just deceitful and 2 years later still refuses to accept his share of responsibility about his lies, their relationship, their child, and the debt they racked up while together. It's difficult around DH who knows his brother is in the wrong but just accepts that his brother is immature and leaves it at that.
OK on to how I handle it. It really isn't going to be easy at first. Early on I really had to resist the temptation to let their arguments infiltrate our marriage. Obviously you can stick up for your friend if you see a grave injustice being done but other than that don't go out of your way to argue her side or let your DH argue his friend's side. If it starts, end it. The argument is irrelevant to your relationship and you and your DH are both good people for being good friends. It used to tear me apart when my DH started to point out her flaws (which seemed SO minor and ridiculous to me) and started talking to his brother again - I thought it was so obvious that he was the cheater and she was the innocent victim and everyone had to see that. It's really not that cut and dry when feelings are involved, so don't try to argue what isn't rational, and isn't yours to argue. Nowadays, I am honest about the fact that I talk to her - I give DH and my MIL updates on Caleb, our nephew, and show him pictures, videos, etc. However, I don't rub my conversations in his face or volunteer things she said badmouthing his brother. It isn't going to change his mind about thigns and is only going to drive a wedge between you - he might start seeing it as justification for cheating, etc., which isn't what you intended. By staying away from the drama while with your DH, and not trying to influence any of the parties, you can still be a listening ear for your friend. Sorry that was wordy, I obviously have some strong feelings about my own situation but it will definitely become manageable over time. Hang in there!
We've been dealing with a similar situation-- our best couple friends got married & 3 months into it, he started cheating on her. He fessed up to MH after 3 more months, at which MH told him he immediately needed to come clean to his wife, which he did.
It's been over 2 years now & he still goes back & forth- cheating on her, trying to work things out, and cheating again. It's a sick, gross, cycle, and he is in need of major help beyond what any friend can provide. He says he's been going to counseling, but the whole situation is incredibly messy.
The wife did file for divorce eventually and although she would still love to work it out, she's just facing facts at this point.
MH & I have remained friends with them through all of this. I personally haven't talked to the guy (the cheater) since all this went down 2 years ago because I couldn't possibly say anything halfway decent or constructive to help the situation. MH however, has a real heart for him & although he disagrees with his choices 100%, has remained a friend when the guy has lost all his other friends (understandably). MH also very much supports the wife in this scenario, as do I. And MH & I keep open communication between the both of us, as we want to make sure it never affects our relationship in a negative way. We're all about helping them, but not at the cost of our own marriage, too.
Honestly, there are times when I can tell MH is talking with that guy more often on the phone & such. He almost turns into a darker person. That's when we have a heart to heart, and I kind of remind him that in the end, this is their problem to fix, not ours-- we can be supportive all day long, but we can't sacrifice our own marriage for it.
There are a lot of ups and downs, but in the end, the cheater has to be the one to fix it... and he has to WANT to fix it. If your friend wants to fix her marriage, then that's one thing-- if she doesn't, well, it's a whole different story.
Just make sure that you and your husband are on the same page at all times-- if you want to be involved, then be careful, but always be on the same page. Good luck!