Please help. Need advice.

Punter2009 · August 2011

I need some opinions as to whether im being too demanding.

My SO doesnt live with me yet. he lives about 2 hours away in the city where he has a well paying construction job. He is Samoan and quite traditional. We have been together for about 7 years on and off. This pregnancy is our 2nd baby together.

I am finding it really tough on my own now, with a toddler and a week off my 3rd tri. I cry on the phone to him that I need him here now. He always tells me hes working on finances and we will be together as soon as he can. But He says he has to look after his family - his dad - in Samoa. If he moves in here with me he wont earn enough to support the family there as well. Im at my wits end.

today I booked in at the hospital im going to give birth in , and the midwife was asking about my SO and what support ill have during and after the birth. I dont know how to answer that because I cant say for sure if he will be here or not! Im really scared with SO living 2 hours away that he may not make it in time. I need a plan and Im not getting anything definite from him. He just keeps telling me not to worry and he will be here. But he didnt make it last time!

am I just being hormonal and demanding or do you think im justified with how im feeling. Im worried if i keep pressuring him that he will just leave me.....

Augustbride · August 2011

Hugs it is so hard. Some days I barely feel like I am keeping it all together and my DS is 8.

I'm sure you have so much more to your story but do you have any possibility of moving to him if he has a stable job that makes good money I could understand the worry over leaving it. I'm pretty sure most of the global economy is in the same shape.

Punter2009 · August 2011

Yes there is alot more to my story, hard to summarise years of ups and downs. In the past I have been the one to make all the sacrifices, and put up with alot of crap. Im trying for my kids sake at the moment to keep it together.

I would have moved there to him earlier in the pregnancy but he wants to eventually live here anyway as he wants to raise our babies away from the city. I think its time he made some gesture or move. Im in my 3rd trimester now, and to move at this point would undo me. Uggghhh its so frustrating

CheezeFace · August 2011

First, Major Big Hug. I'm sorry. This is not the most ideal situation for you and your kids, is it? It must be really hard to rely on help but not know if it is going to be there. You are NOT being hormonal. You are asking for, and not receiving, support.

I married a man who is very focused on finances. He is also from a different culture than me and has a ginormous family that he feels the need to lead and take care of as well. It has taken me years to understand how he thinks and feels about money and the responsibility that comes along with it.

I've come the realization that it's not the money that is so important to him, it is pressure that he feels to provide adequately. It's very frustrating because I feel like me and this baby are his family and he should look out for us first. It's a very Western-type way to think on my part and I've had to adjust - but so has he. It's taken a while but we have found a middle ground that we are both able to work with.

I'm not one to give advice on how to handle this but I can tell you what I did - I'm not saying I handled it gracefully but with my DH, bluntness and very concise and clear communication is what works. So, I just drew a line in the sand. I did it w/o emotion and came to him in a very business-like manner and said, "this is how I see things, this is how I feel and here is what I see as a solution. I'm not willing to live like this, I don't see it as fair or appropiate, etc..." He came back and had a few responses and we found that common ground. It's not perfect but it is working.

IMHO, I really and truly believe that if one partner is doing all the sacrificing, the waiting and the worrying, then it is an unbalanced relationship. I don't want to upset you at all by saying this but if you really don't feel like you can count on him to be at the birth, etc...then just don't count on him. Make him your 'Plan B', have your best friend/Mom/sister/neighbor/yourself be your 'Plan A'. If he can't understand the importance of what you are asking, I don't think any amount of crying or pleading with him will help. Especially if he missed it the 1st time.

If he doesn't value being there for his child's first breath or cries, then that is something that he needs to figure out about himself - it's probably not a journey that you can walk with him.

I'm so sorry. I hope he comes to his senses. You and this baby deserve a supportive partner.

Ximena M · August 2011

Weather or not you SO has traditional values his first duty is to you and his children. His father is a grown man where as your children are not. You have to be honest with him and tell him what you need. If he is unable to give you support you need to find it some where else. He had a part in making the babies. Life is a compromise, but when one person is the one to give everything up it's not fair or right. To be honest with you, I have to wonder if he really wants to move to be closer to.

You may want to see a marriage counselor. Someone who is not emotionally involved, and can help you determine his motivations.

Punter2009 · August 2011

Firstly thanks for the replies. Its good to get an outside honest opinion and not just my own which is clouded by feelings and hormones.

"I've come the realization that it's not the money that is so important to him, it is pressure that he feels to provide adequately"

------ this is so true, and he actually said this to me yesterday, however I also agree that his father is a grown man.

I think i will take the advice of having my own plan A with family and friends, and him as plan B. The weeks are ticking by and I need to feel ready and supported.

Im not sure if things will work out, but Im glad that you guys dont think im being unfair. I still want to help his family, but I just think we should be priority.

I will let you know how it pans out. And sincere thanks again for your thoughts, its really given me more to think about--- in a good way .

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