hi all, i dont post in here very often. i was diagnosed with anxiety and ptsd, most of which is caused by prior unresolved incidents from when i was younger. i have a very rough pregnancy; type 1 diabetic, put on insulin pump and my membranes ruptured at 23w1d and i stayed in the hospital until i delivered ds at 34 weeks and he was in the nicu for 47 days. i'm always freaking out about his well being and a few months ago i started having intense thoughts of his death. if i'm carrying him from one room to the next i feel like i'm carrying my dead child, when hes only asleep. i guess his body reminds me of deceased people in movies? i dunno. well we scheduled a circumcision months ago and it's happening this friday. on monday i took him to the pedi because he's been congested for a while and i wanted to make sure it wasn't a sinus infection. it's a very minor one and he's on the nebulizer treatments and amoxixillan.
i was feeling ok about the surgery until i was told i need his pediatrician to clear him of surgery. now i feel utter despair that even if they give him an 'ok' that they will miss something and while he's under anesthesia that he'll drown on mucous or get pneumonia afterwards and die. i was told all of the statistics and looked online and think that there haven't been a lot of circumcision related deaths this year therefore jackson is going to be one. i'm sick to my stomach and want to hurl. i feel like tons of signs are being thrown at me but know it has to be done (his doctor said he's going to need it one day anyway) but i feel like i'm just convincing myself that he needs it when he really doesn't. how do i handle this? i hate feeling this way