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Single Parents
Patches08
member
Opinions please.. WWYD?
Patches08
member
Let me introduce myself.. I am not a single parent, I am a single birth-mother. I wanted to ask someone who knows where I'm coming from. I don't think there is a way to shorten this story. I'm sorry.
2003-2004..I was 18 when I got pregnant.. He was a jerk and lied about every possible thing there was, stole my credit cards and racked up debt and cleaned out my bank account. I thought I knew him.. Heck, I thought I knew everything at 18. We were living together, we signed a 1 year lease together, but he was also still with his girl friend and they were "living together". I had no clue. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but I never put the pieces together until it was too late.. I was pregnant.. Come to find out the girlfriend was also pregnant. We delivered 3 weeks apart. He left when he found out I was pregnant, then she kicked him out of their house.. and she... kinda befriended me. She knew I had no idea about her and vice-versa. She was nice. A few months into our new "friendship" she took him back and we stopped communicating (it was mostly via phone/text, we only saw each other a few times).
Fast forward 2007 and he finds me on facebook "Hi, I'm sorry about what I did to you, I want to see my daughter".. Yeah, not happening. We had a few conversations back and fourth that week and I canceled facebook. He apparently is married to the girl friend and they have 3 kids now and thanks to yellowpages he lives about a mile from me (we're not in the city, we're in the freakin' country).
I'm happily married and assume he still is... and I'm not saying I want to be friends or anything, I just want to give him the opportunity to know the basics about his daughter for HER sake. She knows who I am, we have a very open adoption.. but it won't be too long before the questions about him start rolling in. I feel like I owe it to DD to keep tabs on him.. in case she wants to find him when she's 18.
It's hard to put into words what I want out of this. I have an occasional dream that he's out there looking for her.. It bothers me. I want to fix him and have him be a good birthdad to his biological child, but I know I can't. My family doesn't talk about him, his name is like a curse word. My husband is supportive but thinks it's a bad idea.. How do you ladies handle this? What would you do? Would you want to have answers for your LO? Please talk some sense into me.
BM to Kenzie 9/1/04 --- Married 1/22/09 ---
Me 27 - DH 25 --- TTC our first since April 2010
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Opinions please.. WWYD?
They are open to a semi-open adoption with him. Letters/update from the agency, no visits.. Personally, I don't see it going that far, if he wanted that he would have arranged that on his own, that's the part I can't fix and I am a control freak, so it's hard for me to let that one go.
I just feel like I want answers from him.. and be able to talk to my DD about him when the time comes. For all I know they moved out of the country... Do I try to contact him? Make amends and be civil with him and try to offer support?The compassionate side of me says yes.. but the reasonable side says no..
I'm not saying I'm going to ring his doll bell and say this is your daughters full name, here is where she goes to school.. etc. I just want him to have the opportunity to know she is alive I guess. KWIM?
Oops didn't read about the open adoption
This....but I also agree with another poster....if it's going to happen then let it happen. If he cared to know he would have tried to know his daughter already. Good luck
I think that you tell the ex that the child has been adopted and ask whether he wants you to share his contact information with her family. You pass that on accordingly.
From there it is up to her adoptive parents and him. Many open adoptions start sort of semi-open until the adoptive parents begin to trust and see what seems to be best for the child.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
No.
Move on with your life without keeping tabs on him. You have the information she needs to find him if she wants to, his full name and a last known address, probably know where his parents live. Pass it on to her parents if you want to so they can give it to her when and if she wants it.
You did a beautiful and selfless act of giving your child the best chance at life at a time that would have been impossible for you to provide. It's now time to allow the parents who are raising her and you know are doing a great job, to have and provide that information at the right time if needed.
Anyway, the only answers she would need you already know and will always know. You gave her to caring and loving parents because you loved her so much and wanted the best for her.
It's okay to lose contact w/ the birthfather.
Hi, just a lurker.
I wanted to comment, as I'm also a birth-mother. My daughter's bio father and I split up before she was born and he didn't come around until she was two. I am also currently married, he isn't but I don't know anything else about his current relationship status. We briefly made contact when he initially asked about her but once he let that lapse, I didn't pursue it. While I feel somewhat guilty that I may be "cheating" her out of her father by not being more lenient with him, I'm much more convinced I'm protecting her by shielding her from his immaturity and inconsistency. I don't think you're wrong at all for letting it go.