When will you or would you tell him or her...

jmepurple · August 2011

If you have a LO and the father is not involved at all. If find that one that will be there for you and your LO and be a father to them....how and when would you tell them about their biological father? Do you think that LO would harbor resentment or use the term towards your SO "your not my father why should I listen to you"? I was discussing this scenario with my bestie and I'm at a loss as to when and how that would ever be handled if I were to ever be in that situaion. Just curious...what are your thoughts?

ETA: I am a single parent and was wondering how I am going to handle this if it ever comes about.

Unknown · August 2011

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jmepurple · August 2011

With Dominic, his father hasn't had anything to do with him since I was 12 weeks pregnant. He came and saw him at the hospital and stayed for 30 mins and that was it. I have given him every opportunity but he wants nothing to do with him. I have been seeing someone now for a while and have just introduced him to my children a few weeks ago. Not that I am rushing anything by any means but he and I have had the conversation about him being a father figure to Dominic, which is what brought on this conversation with my best friend. I think it is super important to be upfront and honest with your children...but I was just wondering when is the right time or age to do so.

Unknown · August 2011

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jmepurple · August 2011

beccaga16:
jmepurple:

With Dominic, his father hasn't had anything to do with him since I was 12 weeks pregnant. He came and saw him at the hospital and stayed for 30 mins and that was it. I have given him every opportunity but he wants nothing to do with him. I have been seeing someone now for a while and have just introduced him to my children a few weeks ago. Not that I am rushing anything by any means but he and I have had the conversation about him being a father figure to Dominic, which is what brought on this conversation with my best friend. I think it is super important to be upfront and honest with your children...but I was just wondering when is the right time or age to do so.

Thank you...your story has been helpful. Such a crappy situation but I look at it as everything happens for a reason and Dominic is probably better off. I would be more devestated for him if his father was a here one day and gone the next kind of guy.

Like I said, with my mom and my brother she told him when he was school age. She said she waited for him to ask, but he didn't so she told him before starting Kindergarten. It was not traumatic for my brother at all. His bio-father was never in his life. He left my mother when she found out she was pregnant, came back for a short time and she kicked him out when she was 7 months pregnant for cheating. He has never made an attempt to be in my brother's life and signed over his rights to my dad.

lurkynotlulu · August 2011

FH and I have decided that we'll tell LO "mommy made you, daddy chose you" when he's younger and explain more when he's school age. That way there's not outright negativity about his bio-father, but we're also clear that his lack of involvement is voluntary.

lurkylulu2 · August 2011

lurkynotlulu:
FH and I have decided that we'll tell LO "mommy made you, daddy chose you" when he's younger and explain more when he's school age. That way there's not outright negativity about his bio-father, but we're also clear that his lack of involvement is voluntary.

Too stupid to come up with your own SN, eh?

ks3pink · August 2011

I am no longer a SP but I do have a child whose "father" is not involved. DH and I are going through the process now of having rights terminated (should have done that part long ago) and DH adopting DD. I have no plans to tell DD anything anytime in the near future (she is 5) as she has called DH dad since she was able to talk, thats all she knows. I know one day it will come up and that one day we should tell her but I hope she is an adult because I dont think a kid would really understand and I don't think a teenage girl would handle it well. Just my opinion. HTH!

lurkynotlulu · August 2011

lurkylulu2:
lurkynotlulu:
FH and I have decided that we'll tell LO "mommy made you, daddy chose you" when he's younger and explain more when he's school age. That way there's not outright negativity about his bio-father, but we're also clear that his lack of involvement is voluntary.

Too stupid to come up with your own SN, eh?

no, I am a lurker but not you, so I thought it was a pretty straightforward name

Unknown · August 2011

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PrettyInPearls23 · August 2011

beccaga16:

ks3pink:
I am no longer a SP but I do have a child whose "father" is not involved. DH and I are going through the process now of having rights terminated (should have done that part long ago) and DH adopting DD. I have no plans to tell DD anything anytime in the near future (she is 5) as she has called DH dad since she was able to talk, thats all she knows. I know one day it will come up and that one day we should tell her but I hope she is an adult because I dont think a kid would really understand and I don't think a teenage girl would handle it well. Just my opinion. HTH!

I would talk to a therapist about this. Mine always told me that it is less traumatic for a child to be up front from an early age. It does not mean you need to talk about all the time or even more than once.

Not trying to tell you what to do, promise but trying to hide stuff or sweep things under the rug can backfire.

I have to agree with this. She doesn't know her bio-dad and never will, but why hide the fact from her? Young kids are very perceptive and she probably won't even think anything of it. If she's growing up with your DH as her father, she still has the right to know her bio-dad is somebody different. As she gets older, she's bound to find out one way or another and she'll probably be pissed you kept the truth from her.

My bio-dad and mom divorced when I was a year old. My mom re-married when I was 4 years old and her husband adopted me when I was 5 years old. I remember going into the judges chambers and sitting on his lap as he pointed to my dad and asked me if I wanted that man to be my new father. I replied "He's already my dad!" I knew he wasn't my "real" dad but at that age I was too young to really understand what that meant. As I grew older I learned what it meant to have a bio-dad and I could care less. The man I call my dad has raised me as his own since I was 4 years old. That's the only father that I need in my life.

However, on the flip side, as I got older I would ask my mom what happened between her and my bio-dad. She always skirted around the issue, so when I was 18 years old I found my bio-dad online and sent him an email. He explained that he had an affair and that's why him and my mom divorced. He said he agreed to sign away his rights when my dad wanted to adopt me because he knew it was better for me to know a solid family unit than a broken one. I think that's a cowards way of saying he wanted nothing to do with me, but whatever. I had a great childhood and I have an amazing family, so I'm thankful that he did that.

My point is, you really should be open with your daughter. The only family she'll know is the one that is raising her, but she has a right to know where she came from.

jmepurple · August 2011

I totally agree. It is important to me for him to know about his bio-dad. And I know there will be a day where he wants more answers and I feel that if I am upfront from the get go about it all. I don't want him anytime down the road to all of a sudden find out, want answers and then be mad at me for not telling him. Thanks ladies, all of your stories have been helpful.

FerreraRocher · August 2011

If I ever get to that point I will take it as something that needs easing into. If my daughter says that to him I will explain to her the need to respect him. If she harbors ill feelings than we will do whatever is necessary even if it means family therapy.

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