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Georgia Babies
K&P414
member
SIL drama- WWYD? (ridiculously loooong)
K&P414
member
My SIL and I had a falling out the last time we visited. A little back story, they live at the beach and have a 7 yo daughter. My bro and I are very close and my girls and my niece get along awesome. My sil is very type A, an only child (raised by her dad = controlling princess), uptight, etc. but we've had a good relationship for the past 6 or so years. They have been married for 15 years but until we both had kids she and I didn't have very much in common.
Anyway, long story short she is a pharmacist and works TH-Fri from 2:30p-11:00p one week and then Th,Fr, Sat, Sun 2:30-11:00 the next week. Sure those hours aren't ideal but come on, work 2 days off 5, work 4 days off 3- it could be much worse. She also works remote from home as a pharmacist but I'm not entirely sure of her schedule. When she does that job she has to check in online from like 5:30-7am. Point is, if we visit on the weekends she's gone after lunch until after the girls are asleep and she's up early before anyone else.
Apparently she was pouting this particular weekend bc she had to work and couldn't do whatever the rest of us were doing. She got mad at me because I went and got a pedicure on Friday morning while she and my DH took the 3 girls to the pool. I invited her to go w/ me but she wanted to spend some time with DD before she had to go to work. I feel like I should add that DH and I took all 3 girls to the beach for about 5 hours on Thursday and then for icecream afterwards and paid for everyone's dinner on Thursday night.
The reason I found out she was mad about me going to get a pedicure on Friday morning is because she wouldn't let her daughter go to the beach w/ us on Friday afternoon. She took her to the babysitters house when she left the pool instead of bringing her back to their house where we were. And then on Saturday morning she wouldn't let her ride to the beach with us again. All of this was very passive aggressive and I didn't think much about the babysitter thing bc she's kind of like a grandmother to my niece and my brother made it sound like they had plans to visit. But it became apparent on Saturday that there was an issue. At first my brother said that my SIL was just funny about having 1 pair of eyes per kid at the beach. Which I don't think is over the top, but we're talking about 15 minutes, not Daytona for the weekend. My brother was coming to the beach once he finished up some yard work. Then my brother said that my SIL was pouting because she had to go to work and couldn't go to the beach with us. Really, you're going to make your kid cry and not let her ride with us to the beach bc you have to go to work?!
So eventually I privately asked her what was going on, if she had a problem. And that's when she unloaded on me that I was an ungracious guest for going to get a pedicure and pawning my children off on her and my husband (<---srsly, my HUSBAND?! How about their father?) to take them to the pool. And that I was inconsiderate of their lives when we visited. And that we use them for a free place at the beach. And that I don't do anything to help out around the house when I'm there. And that she isn't comfortable pawning her child off on the nearest family member like I am. And about 50 more completely petty comments like "Tess thinks that I'M supposed to make her breakfast in the mornings!!?!!?!
Okay, ALLLLLLLLLLLL of that is untrue. First of all they are always asking us when we can come visit. Second of all, it would be cheaper for us to rent a condo at a different beach because we always end up paying for every meal, every snack, all the alcohol, grocery shopping, etc. for everyone while we are there. I always make sure my kids help clean up my niece's room and make her bed, I always do at least 1 or 2 loads of laundry while I'm there, both their stuff and ours, I don't let my kids eat outside of the kitchen, make sure they leave shoes outside, etc. etc. No, I don't act like we are guests at the Royal Palace but FFS, it's my BROTHER'S HOUSE. Our home is open to them 24-7 and I would never expect them to act like guest in my house, I want them to make themselves at home, and my brother has always made it clear that he feels the same way. And the comment about feeding Tess breakfast is because Tess is a light sleeper and my niece wakes up early and gets Tess up (on purpose). A freight train wouldn't wake Emma up before 8:00. So my niece and Tess would go in the kitchen where my SIL is on the computer working and be ready for breakfast. Instant oatmeal. It infuriates me that she feels like making my 2 year old a bowl of oatmeal 2 mornings in a row is such an imposition. Our family doesn't work like that.
After we left she sent me this b.s. apology via fb message that reeks of insincerity and I'm pretty sure she sent it because my brother jumped on her case for the way she acted. She doesn't apologize or 'take-back' any of the stuff she said but said she's sorry she took her foul mood out of me and to chalk it up to lack of sleep/anxiety.
This was 2 weeks ago. I know I have to respond to her but I don't know what to say. I'm furious with her. Like, I want to wrap my fingers around her neck and strangle the life out of her, furious. And I'm very sad about the situation. I honestly loved being able to visit with them and having such a close relationship with my brother and my niece. And I love seeing our children be so close. But knowing how she feels changes all of that.
Any advice on how I should handle this? I've had a really hard time processing the situation and can't believe how long this post turned out to be, sorry!!
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Re: SIL drama- WWYD? (ridiculously loooong)
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Ditto this.
I've had issues with my SIL and I've had to just suck it up and deal with her craziness. It's the only way for us to have peace and for the kids to be around one another.
Ugh, this is so tough. She is your brothers wife BUT, you also can't put yourself in a position where every time time you are together it's uncomfortable. It makes life so hard {speaking from experience}. It's really a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Can you talk with your brother about how you feel? Are you two close enough to have a good conversation about it? That is what I would do. Not a take sides just a leveling with each other. From there maybe he can give you some prospective about how you should proceed with her. My approach has been to pull way back. It's worked for us but, I know it's not for everyone.
I HATE when people act like when Brian has Jack he is "babysitting" him. Dude, at our house we are a team. He watches Jack because he is his son. That would have really struck a nerve with me. Honestly, in our situation. last year with tense visits, drove us both bonkers and we just haven't done it this year. Not once. It sucks but, has saved our sanity. GL
I agree with everyone and agree with this, if it is possible to do this without ruffling more feathers. What a crappy situation, I am sorry!
Yeah, I've talked a little bit to my brother but we only had a few minutes to talk. Basically he said she's an ahole for what she said but more than that she's out of line to even feel that way, regardless if she says anything to me or not. He is adamant that we were never unwelcome or imposing, that he has never felt like we didn't appreciate them or respect their schedule, and he completely disagrees that I don't do anything to help out around the house when we visit. He does recognize that I naturally help out with different things than she would. i.e. making sure the house is spic-n-span vs. taking the girls to the park so he can take a conference call.
He kind of gave me the go ahead and tell her how I feel because he knows that it is pretty much impossible for me to put on a smiley face and act like everything is a-okay.
I don't like my SILs so I am inclines to just agree with you on everything.....
BUT - trying to look at this another way. Your whole post puts all of the blame on her. There isn't one thing that she said she was upset about that you are accepting responsibility or accountability for. Perhaps that's appropriate - but I would really encourage you to think about that for a moment. Having houseguests is tough. Having houseguests while you are working is tough too. If there is anything in what she said that you can ownership of, I would do that.
Otherwise, I think you just have to accept her apology. She was wrong, but she apologized. Being just mad back and not accepting her apology will just make things worse.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
The truth is there is very little basis on what she said. While we do make ourselves at home at their house it has been because our family is very casual and comfortable like that. And that goes across the board, at my house, my parents house, their house, etc. I have less of a problem with her attacking my character, which was relentlessly judgemental and even a betrayal of some personal things I've confided in her about and more of a problem that she would selfishly with-hold letting her daughter spend time with us because she was mad I got a pedicure. And the fact that she views spending time with my children as an imposition puts it over the top for me. I adore my niece. I want to pack her an extra special picnic lunch when we visit. Or play her favorite song when she rides in the car with me. I hate that I don't get to see her a million times more often than I do. And my brother feels the same way about my kids, so it was a slap in the face that she very much does not.
Under a fair assessment, I'm not guilty of the things she accused me of. In an extreme sense, no, I did not deep clean her house from top to bottom and I did not make my bed up first thing in the morning. And the guest room looks constantly cluttered because there is no storage and luggage for 4 people in 1 room. But I always make a point to keep the door shut. And I do always leave a sippy cup out on the counter with water in it for Tess. But that's me, in my comfort zone.
Again with the suck it up and make your peace. She is going to act how she is going to act and not change, blah blah blah.... Honestly, you don't want to get between your niece and your daughters anyway.
But the next time she pulls this P-A crapola with the beach just call her on it and pack her niece up and put your foot down that you are taking her.
everyone here is MUCH nicer than me. my SIL is a piece of work, and I need to keep the surface peace, but she is nasty and will never like me. the only way for me to get my point across is to come back with absurd niceness. like "i am so sorry you had such a stressful weekend and felt so angry. i seriously thought that we contributed to the household when we visited and just wanted to spend as much time with our niece (who we ADORE) as we could and assumed you felt the same way. we love her, and spending time together as a family so much." and leave it at that. what is she going to disagree with without sounding like an asshat?
Yeah, that's basically a sincere and direct quote that I said to her when we had words. And yes, she sounded like a complete asshat because her response was "I'm just not comfortable pawning my child off on the nearest family member," and in closing "WHATEVER LAURANN!!!!!! I GUESS I'M JUST F^CKING CRAZY!!!!!" ::cut to door slam::
Gah, that sucks! Do they come visit y'all much? Just curious how she behaves as a houseguest, is it wildly different than your "casual" family? As hard as it might be, I'd try to figure out what she really wants and just make it happen without it being a big deal. I'd perhaps have one direct conversation about it "I'm sorry you had a bad weekend, just know that we love DN and want to spend as much time with her as we can when we're in town. If it's a big deal to make T's breakfast then either ask DN not to wake her, or come get me and I'll be happy to make breakfast for the girls." Just suck up (in a nice way), and I think she'd have to realize how out of line her expectations are. And I'd totally make a point of addressing the pedicure situation - "I would have loved for you to come with me, and DH is as much as parent to our girls as I am, so it's never a problem between us for me to have some time to myself and in no way do I feel I "pawned my kids off on a family member." Ugh, DAD does not equal "family member," he is their parent!
I'd just keep the door to your room closed, as you already do, and make a point to leave it neat as you go home. Maybe next time y'all visit you could do it on a weekend she's not working (if that is possible), sounds like it puts her in a horrible mood.
Well she is just a peach isn't she?!?!
(I'll still trade you for my SILs though!)
I don't think you have any good option other than to be the better person. It's not fair she's a cow to you but for the sake of your niece and bro, you get to be the one to suck it up. That blows!
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I know how bad it sucks to have family drama. I live it every.single.day.
1. If you feel like you have to say something to her...do it. Otherwise it will keep eating at you, when you feel like you've done nothing wrong. While i think it's important to try to keep the peace, if you aren't able to put it behind you it will fester like an open wound every time you see her. If that's the case, get it off your chest.
2. Accept her apology, even if it was back-handed and not heart felt. You just aren't going to get what you want out of her.
3. Don't stay there anymore. It sucks that it comes down to that, but it's not worth the drama that it could create.