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Tips for dealing with a passive-aggressive MIL

LilCMomLilCMom
in Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

My MIL is one of the most manipulative, passive-aggressive people I have ever known. She always finds ways to make comments or do things that have me constantly wondering, "is she mad? What is she mad about? What the heck did I do?" It frustrates me to no end!! I am an open book and feel that if you are mad at me, you should tell me why so we can discuss it like adults and then move on with our lives. I refuse to bow down to her and say, "are you upset about something?" because she is waiting for that and wanting that. She wants me to recognize she is upset so then she can unleash all of her opinions on me. But I won't do it. If she wants to come to me and have a civil conversation, I can do that. But I DO NOT play games.

She came down to visit this past weekend and was supposed to be coming down again this weekend, but she just called to cancel and of course there were many comments laced in there that now I know there is something wrong but she will never come out and say it.

DH knows this is who she is and he refuses to deal with her. He tells me to forget her, she's crazy and not to worry about it.She doesn't pull this stuff with him because he calls her out on it and tells her he won't put up with it.  I guess if he is ok then I am too. He thinks she is ridiculous and doesn't give it a second thought. But for some reason I am sick to my stomach (I know that's what she wants) and she just really knows exactly how to get to me!! She is so manipulative. I feel like I've been had!!

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Re: Tips for dealing with a passive-aggressive MIL

  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    If she called to cancel, I would just say "I'm sorry you can't come - hope to see you again soon another time."  If she continues to make comments, why not be direct and say something like "If you need to talk to me, talk; otherwise enough with the comments."  It sounds like she respects your husband's directness since you doesn't do it with him.  You need to be direct too.

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  • JhawkCEJhawkCE member

    You forget, you hold the three most important cards in the deck (your kids and husband).  She feels threatened and this is her way of retaining some control.  I agree with your husband, if you are comfortable with your own actions then who cares what she thinks?  

    Playing into her pity party/guilt trips is exactly what she's looking for.  When she calls to say she's not coming just say in a cheerful voice "Oh, sorry to hear that" and when she lays on the guilt "Sorry to hear you feel that way" and then change the subject.

    Good luck! 

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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    BTW, I have a MIL that is SUPER passive-aggressive, too.  I hear all the time how "flexible" she is but if you try to make a change to any plans, it's like her world shattered and she gets angry.  Except she won't tell you directly what she really wants so it's very frustrating for us.

     

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  • lnelson20lnelson20
    Ditto PP, just be direct and don't play into her games.
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  • MrsMommyQMrsMommyQ member
    imageJhawkCE:

    You forget, you hold the three most important cards in the deck (your kids and husband).  She feels threatened and this is her way of retaining some control.  I agree with your husband, if you are comfortable with your own actions then who cares what she thinks?  

    This exactly. Although I know it's easier said then done (to not worry about her)

    My MIL is extremely inflexible and passive aggressive too. She calls the shots without asking for input and then if it doesn't work the way she wants it to, she gets upset but won't say anything. Now that I have DD to think about, I don't let her get to me anymore. DD is way more important to me than her games. We beat to our own drummer now and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't see us. Oh well for her.

    We went away with DH's family 2 weeks ago and MIL tries to dictate every single thing that happens. Well, one night she wanted to go walk around town after dinner and we wanted to take LO to the boardwalk. MIL pouted but we did not change our plans.  Sure enough, the next night we went walking around town again...so we didn't end up missing a thing by doing what we wanted the night before. It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I dont worry about her, but now that I'm here, it's great :)  GL to you!

     

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  • nopegoatnopegoat member
    No advice here, just wanted to say that I completely know what you are going through and it sucks balls!
    Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader.
    , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
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