The baby shower saga continues...

l_herron · August 2011

So we wrote up a guest list tonight...and after 'cutting the fat' out of it we have like 30-ish invites going out with a between 82-90 people (since it's co-ed that's spouses and children) which is A LOT of people to fit into our house. My sister is awesome and is excited to host a big party.

After further discussion we decided that we really needed two parties...there is a lot of bad blood between his mom and dads family (ugly divorce) and while they can all be civil to each other, it still makes things a bit awkward. Also, without getting into too much detail his sisters bf (who lives with her and MIL) is fresh out of jail and is not supposed to be alone around anyone under 18. (He was a HS teacher, dated SIL while she was in school and got caught... they are still together and planning to get married). I know it shouldn't be a super big deal, but I would still feel weird having him around my friends and their young children. If we had a separate party with FIL's family he could attend that one and avoid any awkwardness on my part.

Now here's my etiquette question-if I see if SIL will "throw" us another baby shower with FIL's family how much is she technically expected to do? If she is willing to do it (I am sure she will be-she wants to be very involved with everything) we (H and I) will be footing the bill since she doesn't have any means of paying for it. So basically her name will be on the invite as the hostess and her and I will plan everything else together...she's young and not exactly the "party planner" type. Is it still tacky since we will be doing a lot of the work?

MH is a total redneck and thinks having someone else throw us a shower-it drives me crazy that he has no etiquette sense and he gets very frustrated when I tell him "NO we are NOT throwing our own shower!"...

Forgive me if I sound whiney or complainy or like I am ungrateful...I am very thankful to have so many people who I know will be there and who are excited with us. It's just a lot to take in

DiademChi · August 2011

In my opinion, as long as she receives the guests and sends the invitations (regardless of how much planning or financial assistance you provide), all is Kosher. You just want to avoid the appearance of hosting your own shower.

Normally, I find it a little odd to have it at the mother-to-be's home, but if your sister does not have a place suitable to host it, I suppose it will do. It's becoming more acceptable.

Totally understand the family politics! Most people prefer a smaller attendance at a shower, since it allows the mother to mingle and pay more attention to the guests (and keeps the gift opening to a reasonable amount of time), so having two separate showers seems ideal to me.

l_herron · August 2011

DiademChi:
In my opinion, as long as she receives the guests and sends the invitations (regardless of how much planning or financial assistance you provide), all is Kosher. You just want to avoid the appearance of hosting your own shower.
Normally, I find it a little odd to have it at the mother-to-be's home, but if your sister does not have a place suitable to host it, I suppose it will do. It's becoming more acceptable.
Totally understand the family politics! Most people prefer a smaller attendance at a shower, since it allows the mother to mingle and pay more attention to the guests (and keeps the gift opening to a reasonable amount of time), so having two separate showers seems ideal to me.

I agree with it being a little weird...but around here it has totally become "the norm" to have it at parents-to-be's home. It seems all of the baby showers I have been to the past couple of years has been in the parent's home-either hosted by the parents themselves or thrown by the mom. The only other option would be to have it at our country club, which would be better space wise but they don't allow potluck or outside caterers...and they are super expensive. It's more feasible for all of us just to have it at our house-plus we have a lot of family that have not seen our house yet (we just moved in last year) and they have been bugging us to come up...so it seems to work

indiana101 · August 2011

Wow, that's a massive shower. Is everyone else planning something so big? Mine will be 10-15 of my girlfriends and family

LMH1209 · August 2011

And, yes, it seems obvious that you should not invite the SIL's boyfriend to a party with children if he isn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. Even if the full story makes it pretty clear that he's not a threat to my two-year-old, I would be upset as a parent if I ever found out that a friend of mine knowingly invited my child and that person to the same party. Will the second party be just family members who already know the story and are aware of the restriction?

GoldenPeaches · August 2011

I agree with the PP that whoever receives guests, tracks RSVPs, and sends out the invitations is the host. The host isn't always who pays--usually, but not always. I'd keep it secret about who is paying and planning to avoid any questions but I am sure you were already planning on this.

Summer0715 · August 2011

Either have the one big shower and he is not welcome or have two different showers because you don't want to put him in a position of violating his conditions of release (presuming he is on them) or subject himself to arrest. You also don't want to place your other guests in the position of finding out after the fact that this individual was at your party and you didn't make them aware.

InTheSun · August 2011

It seems to me like you could solve all of your problems if you had a female-only shower. You wouldn't have to worry about SIL's BF and your guest list would be cut in half. Problems solved.

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The baby shower saga continues...

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