advice on family help when baby comes

dukestar5 · August 2011

Hi Ladies!

I'm hoping some of the second time moms can share some insight for me about family help once the baby arrives. My husband and I live in Texas (near his in-laws) and my parents live in DC. My mom has offered to come for a whole month when the baby comes. She's eager to book a plane ticket (flexible fare) and stay for as little or as long as we want her to, which is really kind. She's even offered to stay at a hotel or at my in-laws if we do not want her to stay in the house the entire time--since a month could be a long time for a guest to stay.

What would you all recommend? Do you think that DH and I should be alone with the baby for the first week and then have my mom come to help? Or should I plan to ask her to come right away? (I do want to have some time with just the three of us-_DH, baby, and me...and I also want my husband to get into the routine of helping with feedings and changing. However, I know I might need/want help from my mom for the first week).

For 2+ time moms, what arrangement did you all have with your family? When do you want/need the most help? And is a month too long for mom to stay? TIA!

trishinbanff · August 2011

This is my first but my mum lives 1900 miles away in another country and she'd coming for a week to help after the baby is born. I asked her to come a few days after the due date to give my husband and I a few days to have some alone time. I've heard that first babies are always late so she could very well be here and he's not born yet. I guess we'll just see.

from everything I've heard/read you will want all the help you can get. I would say have a few days or a week by yourselves.

kurokai · August 2011

I'll be living either with my parents or with SO's mom when the baby comes, so I'm not going to have a choice. My parents already know there will be boundaries and my bedroom (and baby's room) would be off-limits. The only issue with SO's mom is she's a pushy woman and does not respect my boundaries at all that I get along with when I talk to her/see her - about once a month.

It might be nice to have someone come stay with you for the first month or so - but maybe have them come a few days after you get settled in? I know that my neighbor's daughter had her come over almost every day (they live around the corner from each other) to help her around the house and with the dogs. You might find that you need someone to help with the dishes, laundry, general house upkeep while you adjust to a newborn being in the house. It also would be something *I* would do if I lived away from my mom and she offered to come help out (I love my mom and would want her there anyway, since it's a special time in my life). Also, the option of handing my mom the baby for an hour or two and going to take a nice, long, hot bath or shower once SO goes back to work/if he isn't taking off work.

authorofdreamz · August 2011

I'm a FTM so I don't have any first-hand advice but wouldn't you want your mom there for the birth of your child? I would tell her to come a week or so before your due date so hopefully she doesn't miss that. I mean she has offered to stay in a hotel so it really doesn't sound like she is trying to get in the way. Once you and baby are home from hospital you could always ask for a few days alone to get settled but I mean what if you had to have a c-section or something and needed a lot more than help than you think? I would definitely want to have her nearby since that is an option.

Amanda Harvey · August 2011

It depends on you. If you are close to your mom and she is going to help you I would be ok with it. She seems like she will be. offering to stay at in laws or get a hotel to me signals that she is considerate. If she expects to be treated as a guest I would have her visit be short.

My parents are 6 hours away, They are going to come for a week. My family has a tradition that the mommy takes care of baby and grandma cooks and cleans and be there for support.

zebrastripes · August 2011

This is really up to you. If you want some time alone with LO, tell your mom to hold off a week before coming down. Or have her stay in a hotel for the first few days. Personally, I would not want anyone staying with me for a month but I just do not like anyone being a guest for a long period.

With DD, everyone just came to visit. My in laws all live close so they would just drop by. But my FIL flew down from WA to TX and stayed in a hotel. My MIL lives in Houston which is about 4 hours away. They chose to drive down and spend the day and drive back the same day.

I want the most help as soon as I come home b/c I am having another csection which the first few weeks are the most painful. At first, you might just want your mom to help with cooking cleaning errands while you take care of your LO. After about a week or so, you might want to catch a long during the day or sleep in a lil bit and let your mom handle a feeding or 2. If your breastfeeding, you could pump and store the milk in bags so hubby or mother can handle a few feedings. Also, you might find it comforting to have your mom there as soon as you give birth to show you a few tricks or just let you know your doing everything right. Most of taking care of a newborn with come second nature to you but it's nice to have your mom there to reassure you and learn a few things.

If you get along well with your mom, a month might be ok. I love my mom and we get along but I could not have her stay with me for a month. If she stayed in a hotel, it might be a lil diff story but this all depends on you. And remember your hubby in the situation. If your mom gets under your hubbys skin, it might not be a good idea to have her stay with you or for that long.

adri77 · August 2011

With my first 2, H takes off work for a week after the baby is born, and then my mom comes. We will have the same arrangement this time. I liked the way that worked out b/c we were living off adreneline for awhile after we came home...sooo excited and all of that. The timing of her coming was perfect. A month might be a bit long for your first....I would LOVE help for a month having 2 other kiddos, but I don't remember feeling like I need more help than the first 2 weeks with DS1. GL and congrats!

emilyj77 · August 2011

I'm a first time Mom, but I was going to suggest what adri77 did. Have your Mom come when your husband returns to work (if that's your situation). This way you have the alone time with just the 3 of you, and then when everything settles down you'll have your Mom there for support.

Don't forget all the visitors you'll probably have in those first few weeks. Is it better to have your Mom there (as a house guest) at the same time or not? Something to consider.

jnealet · August 2011

Our first night home with DD was the worst, it was nice to have my mom there even just for moral support.

I think if you have the type of relationship with your mom that you can tell her what you need without any issues, then go for it. If you have a hard time standing up to your mom or she annoys the crap out of you, then a month is too long.

For us, my mom stayed two nights, my sister stayed one. DH was off for the first week we were home. Then his mom came about a week after DH went back to work. While it wasn't a huge imposition to have his mom there, we were already in a little routine (and I use this word very, very loosely) and it was another shift to have to include her in it all. It would have been better to have everyone there in the beginning and then it just be DH, DD and me afterwards.

I'd rather have the huge upheaval in the beginning, have people there helping us to navigate the change and then go forth and conquer. Don't forget - there will be 18+ years for you to have your little family, its not like someone is going to ruin that if they come the day the baby is born.

saraosu22 · August 2011

I am really worried about all of this too! I am a first time mom and have a very overbearing mother in law. My brother in law and his wife just had a baby in June and she insisted on staying with them for a week. She got in a huge fight with his wife over the baby and still openly complains about how much she did or did not get to hold the baby. She reports she was not treated well during that week and made the entire week about her. I don't want to deny her time with her new grandchild, but it's also a very special time for my husband and I. My husband seems to think everything will be fine, but I don't want to have to be more stressed or more worried about it when I should be enjoying our brand new baby! Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?!?

Janimal · August 2011

I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your mom.

One of my SILs came to "help" after I had DD and it was awful - she criticized me and made a mess = NO HELP. I danced around the living room the day she left. The following week my BFF came to visit and I cried when she left because she was so freaking awesomel. She cleaned my house top to bottom. Took the overnight feedings so I could sleep - and this is a woman who has never had kids herself! She took my dog for walks. Told me I was awesome and just loved on my DD. Dh I and wanted to have her join us in a plural marriage.

If your mom will really be helpful, take it. That she is offering to be in a hotel so you can have some privacy sounds especially cool. But if you are concerned about the kind of help she will offer, decline.

For me, this time, I am hiring an overnight nurse a few nights a week. People that you PAY, you can order around! Notsomuch do that with family!

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