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Attachment Parenting
msdonnas
member
advice re: dealing with different parenting styles
msdonnas
member
I'm a ftm and moderately ap, I'd say similar to all you fine parents. I'm really struggling with how to respond to unsolicited parenting advice from, well, everyone. My family is generally hands off and supportive, but if my inlaws don't stop giving me advice I'm going to scream. Today I was over and ds fell asleep in my arms and my mil and sil told me to lay him down. I said no, that he sleeps better in my arms and I had nothing else to do anyway, which was completely true. I put him down at home, but in a strange space he'd wake up. They then told me I'd regret it because I'll never be able to put him down. He's only 11 weeks old! This happens all the t ime. I've tried joking saying I doubt a 16 year old will sleep with me, I've tried using real sources, I've tried ignoring it. They always just act like I'm an idiot. My sil always says things like "I've raised two kids, you'll see" and it just annoys me. I need a way to cope with this. It makes me not want to see them and it makes me not trust them with ds so I never want to leave him with them, which gives them one more thing to tell me I'm doing wrong, saying he will be antisocial, clingy and spoiled if I keep him with me all the time.
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Re: advice re: dealing with different parenting styles
This is very tough bc time and time again we get posts on this board talking about moms who feel touched out and won't sleep at all on their own. Others ARE more experienced (whether good experience or bad) than you -- it's reality.
I'm not saying to heed all and any advice. I'm saying that balance is really important. It's healthy to acknowledge that (a) you have good knowledge and (b) others do too. In the same vein, you make mistakes and so do your inlaws, etc. It's ok to consider other things that aren't in your philosophy -- it's how we learn. I sort of think the 'stange place' is more attrituted to an adult thought than an 11 wk old. You could have put baby down, picked him up when he cried and then tried again gently.
I'm not bashing you. But I've found that a little piece of advice from everyone and then relying on my own experience and knowledge is a very good thing and gives me insight into what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong.
While I respect the 'just get used to it' advice from the previous posters (since it will never truly stop), I have to say there is a big difference between the occasional advice and what my father does. My father questions every.single.choice I make regarding DD and won't just leave it at that. He tries to turn everything into a "well you're wrong" argument (and yes that was a direct quote). And he does this about everything, every single time we see him.
If that's the kind of problem you're dealing with then eventually it's going to have to be addressed. It's not something that deserves 'just getting used to'. If they're like the situations the PPs pointed out then I would just smile and nod or say something like "I'll think about it". That's just my two cents.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
"That's great! This is how I'm raising my kid, but thank you for your input."
The fact of parenting is you're going to have regrets, others are going to be right sometimes, and if you had to do it all over again you'd do some things different.
I held Cooper a ton and heard that he was going to have "lap colic", never learn to walk, and never sleep in his crib. I had times when I was touched out and in desperate need of a break/change. HOWEVER, when I look back on those early months I don't think "man I wish I would have laid him down more"... instead I think "man I miss holding that sleeping baby all day!". He now takes all his naps in his crib and sleeps atleast half the night in his crib and he started walking at 9 1/2 months. What you do for a newborn isn't what you do for a toddler or preschooler.
We parent very differently than anyone in our family. We've been labeled the "hippy parents". You have to make it very clear that you've made your decisions and what worked for the ILs is not what works for you. Neither way is "right" or "wrong" they are simply different. I have taken to walking out of a room with "something to do" when ILs try to give advice. I had my MIL tell me that to sleep train C I needed to spank "so it would sting" everytime he got up. I ignored her while saying "uh-huh" and went and checked on my laundry. I think "uh-huh" has become my "I don't care for your advice" response.
I would reccomend NEVER complaining to these people if you don't want their advice though. I ask for advice all the time, I just try to make sure it is from people who I want advice from. Also simply because you have a child older than mine doesn't mean you know better than I do about what is best for my child...this train of thought drives me crazy!
I usually just lurk here, but I had to give you my $0.02. I totally agree with this, just learn to brush them off, people are always going to think they know best especially those who have children older than your LO. I just acknowledge that they're talking to me (um, hmm....) and then make sure my DH and I are on the same page. everyone else (MIL, FIL, SIL, etc.) can leave us alone! What works for one child, may not be right for another, and what is right for your family may not be right for mine. i can't tell you what a headache I've saved myself by letting their "advice" go in one ear and out the other.
Love this response. I agree especially with that last sentence! THANK YOU! :-) But in regards to the OP, I have been in your shoes. DS is older now and a much more active child than any of the older 3 grandchildren in the family were at his age. I get a lot of the same comments but more from friends than family and it drives me nuts. I have a hard time with it because I parent the way we parent because it is what I believe is best. So even though I like the "no one is right or wrong, we just do things differently" point, I have a hard time accepting it because a lot of what we DON'T do, we don't do because I think it's wrong! (CIO/sleep training especially) Anyhow - the PPs are all on to something though.... parenting is an intensely personal thing. It is hard to have those choices be or even feel criticized when it's a hard job already! Do what you feel is best, try to have a thick skin about it, and remember that those with advice are really just trying to help. Finding like-minded people - like on a web forum or IRL mom groups, etc - can really help!
I don't have any advice on how to deal with the crappy advice. I get it all the time. I just wanted to let you know that my DD is now 14 months old. When she was born she was a preemie and I swore to her every day she was in the NICU that when she came home I would never put her down. I never did. We would go visiting and people would tell me not to hold her so much, that crying helped her stretch her lungs, and that I would regret holding her so much. People would ask to hold her and then when she fell asleep they would go and proudly put her down somewhere and I would follow right behind and pick her up. Well 14 months later and I have never regretted one day of holding her. She slept with us at night until she was 11 months old and she napped on my chest each day. She eventually got to a point where she wanted to be put down and explore and we transitioned her slowly to her own bed without a lot of stress. She is now on the go, and I miss the time I used to spend holding her.
Don't listen to people. You are not spoiling your baby and you won't regret it. You are building a strong bond with your baby and that is the most important.
Absolutely do the smile and nod but ignore with unsolicited advice.