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Breastfeeding
How painful will it be to just stop?
So my initial goal was to be able to BF for the first six months. It didn't take long for me to realize that was a pipe dream.
I've had supply issues from day one and nothing has helped. I've tried supplements, fenugreek, teas...I've worked with two lactation consultants and I've never been able to up my supply.There was a stretch early where I was on an intense pumping/feeding schedule my LC came up with to try and up my supply. That didn't work either. Supplementing with formula has been the norm for us since we left the hospital (his birthweight dropped well below the normal 10% while we were there and the pedi told me on day three that she wouldn't discharge him unless I supplemented because I simply wasn't making enough milk).
Now, I'm basically down to 1 oz combined from both sides after pumping for an hour. After a lot of tears, I've decided it's time to throw in the towel. Over the course of the past two weeks, I've cut down on pumpings and feedings dramatically. I currently nurse him in the morning as much as I can (and he's always still hungry when we're finished) and then I pump before going to bed.
Last night, I pumped and got less than an ounce combined from both sides, despite pumping for 40 minutes. If I drop that pre-bedtime pump, how much pain will I feel in the morning? Or will there be any pain at all since I've never made much milk?
And on top of the physical pain, how do I deal with the emotional pain? I've put myself through hell trying to BF and it's just not happening. I probably should have quit earlier, but I kept trying, hoping something would magically change. It never has. And I've felt guilty the entire time, like I've failed my son by not being able to do this most basic thing. Does that feeling ever go away?
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Re: How painful will it be to just stop?
I EP'd for 6 months, worked myself down to just AM and PM pumps, then pumped just in the morning for a few days, then stopped. I was still getting a LOT more than you at that point, and I was uncomfortable but not engorged for a couple of weeks. I had some lumps and a lot of soreness, but nothing like clogged ducts. I took sudafed to help dry up supply, used cabbage leaves in my bra for relief, and avoided standing in a hot shower or bath.
It's been 3 weeks since I pumped, and today, just finally today, I feel GREAT! I actually got a little giddy about it.
My goal was 6 months, and as I reached that point I got a little nervous too...but when I sat down to think about my choice, I realized that the only reasons I would keep pumping were to "keep up with the joneses" so to speak, and that was stupid. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would have switched to formula much earlier. My sanity is important to my relationship with my daughter, and everyone else in my life. While some breastmilk is better than none, the opportunity cost of what you are losing vs. what you are getting...for me, I'd much rather have that time with my baby, and that much less frustration in my life.
whatever you decide, it's YOUR decision, you don't have to justify it to anyone else.
That's exactly why I cut down on the pumping over the last couple of weeks. I went back to work this week and realized about two weeks ago that I'd spent the majority of my maternity leave miserable while trying to up my supply. I was chained to the pump and not enjoying my son. And the payoff of 1 oz or 2 at the MOST wasn't enough to justify the misery.
I cut down on pumping and enjoyed the last two weeks with my baby before I went back Monday. It meant the world to me (and probably my sanity too).
I had a horrible experience with my first daughter too and that combined w/ PPD by OB said it was causing me more stress and I basically needed to make the choice to quit bf'ing to at least get my stress level down or I had to keep fighting knowing it was putting me through hell and making me miserable. I decided to quit. It wasn't physically painful really, but emotionally it was horrible. I didn't go through all the LC's and supplements and pumping like you did so I beat myself up A LOT once I found out there was more I could have tried. I had a lot of resentment while trying toward the baby and then I had this overwhelming sense of guilt for her after. It was bad. This time around I'm going to try all that right off the bat and have talked to LC's and all that and have just told myself if the same issues are there they are there and I have to stop trying and I know that formula isn't "evil" my DD #1 is healthy and smart and happier with less tantrums than most 2 y/o's I know!
Basically you being happy and healthy will ensure your LO is happy and healthy. You have done more than you could for your LO and it's not worth making the both of you miserable any more, honestly. You are a great mama! So many people don't even TRY to breastfeed and you have gone above and beyond. Just keep reminding yourself that. ((HUGS)) If you ever need to talk, page or PM me. I know what you are going through and I promise it will get better.