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Georgia Babies
Discuss: Leaving the baby in the car?
A friends colleague was charged with child endangerment yesterday for leaving her baby in the car. I'm fuzzy on the details (like where she went when she left her car), but I do know that passers by saw the baby and called the authorities and the baby survived. He was released into the father's custody. They have an older son, as well.
Do you think a mom should be charged for forgetting her baby? I don't know. She could be totally sleep deprived and in a haze. She could be suffering PPD and it could have been a cry for help. I personally, cannot imagine this happening to me, but I also don't like to say "it'll never happen to me".
My friend said the article made it sound like she did it on purpose but the news made it sound like an accident.
Either way, its so sad. I feel like if this happens to you, you'd be in your own prison of guilt for the rest of your life. Do you really need to be vilified by the courts?
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Re: Discuss: Leaving the baby in the car?
Read this article...
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022701549.html
thanks. I sent this to DH. He will kill me for bringing this topic up again but seriously... broke my heart. I can't imagine the devastation.
Abigail Taylor 09.18.2008
Dh thinks I'm crazy but I'm constantly saying don't forget the baby. Thankfully both of my kids are extremely loud in the car so I don't think it would ever happen. Pre-kids I totally thought that parents living their kid(s) in the car were just crazy. Now having 2 kids I see how it could happen.
On the lady that was jaywalking, that was a sad sad story to me. The driver who had multiply DUIs already plus was drinking and driving the day he hit them only got 6 months. Yet they wanted her to go to jail for 2 years I think .CRAZY
This has to be the most unimaginable horror as a parent, when you realize what you have done. Like it makes me hurt to just think about it. I think you should not go to jail for an accident but, like the article said that isn't even the right word for what this would be.
On purpose would be a whole different ball game. You can rot in jail at that point.
The jaywalking lady broke my heart. I didn't realize they wanted to send her to jail.
Wow! That's the best article I've seen on this topic. Anyone that thinks it couldn't happen to them really needs to read this.
I'm so thankful that I have my baby boy. I've told my story before, but it's worth mentioning again.
Ethan was a few months old. So, I had a (just turned) two-year-old and a baby and was a SAHM. DH was traveling through the week and I was "on" 24/7. I never had time to myself. Ever. One weekend though, when DH was home I took a trip to Whole Foods which was a 20 minute drive from home. Audrey stayed home with DH. I took Ethan with me because he was nervous that Ethan would want to nurse and I wouldn't be there. It was also the first time I was with only one kid since I'd delivered him. Did I mention I had a 2-year-old and a baby? I was dealing with behavioral challenges with Audrey and totally sleep deprived with Ethan being an all-night nurser. And, um, a baby. And no husband at home.
Ethan's seat was on the driver's side, rear-facing. I had positioned the carseats that way because he was a baby and didn't need anything from me while we were driving, but Audrey was constantly asking for things. Putting her behind the passenger side allowed me to pass things back at a diagonal which was easier than passing directly behind.
On the rare occasion we listened to music, it was kid's music. But this trip to Whole Foods was an NPR fest for me. I never got to listen to it anymore and Ethan was being quiet (he either screamed his head off or slept in the car) which was unusual. I assumed he had fallen asleep and turned it up and got immediately engrossed in the conversation topic. I had a 20 minute peaceful ride by myself to the store! Ahhhh, so nice.
I parked the car, grabbed my purse and headed inside with my list. I'd only gone for a few things, so I just got a small basket. I stood in the baking isle looking forever for special flour they apparently didn't carry. I had put my basket at the end of the isle by the end cap where I couldn't see. I don't know why I did that; don't remember. But, when I went to pick up my "cart" after I finished looking for the last of my baking supplies I suddenly realized I couldn't remember if I'd gotten a full sized rolling cart or small basket. I guess the backtracking in my mind went something like:
Parked the car, it was dark, got a basket, was it small or big, it would have to be big to put the carrier in. OMG - the carrier! Where is he?? Oh God what did I do? Did someone take him? Did I put him in the cart and leave it somewhere? Did I leave the carrier on the ground in the parking lot? Did I leave him in the car!?! ***, did I even bring him? I actually couldn't remember. I bolted out of the store and I swear, I FLEW to the car where I opened the door to Ethan. He was fine because I was incredibly lucky to have left my baby in a locked car with the windows up in the winter all wrapped up in the Bundle Me. If it had been summer?
That's what happened. I brought him and left him in the car. I was doing something totally different from my routine. It was a first for being with only 1 kid since he was born. I was distracted by a running list in my mind and on the show I was engrossed in. There were no kid noises for 20 minutes; since I left home. I'd normally see Audrey in the rear view mirror but she wasn't there (making noise) so in my mind, I probably dismissed the possibility of Ethan being there too because they'd always been together with me. There were so many variables, but it happened. To me. And I'm a good parent that finally got a moment to myself.
In reading that article and learning that NASA engineers haven't been able to market a device they conceived 5 years ago that would prevent tragedies like these, it makes me really believe this is something government should require of car manufacturers. If they can produce vehicles with airbags and seatbelts that don't come apart in a collision and a LATCH system, I'm sure they can incorporate a fail-proof weight sensor in seats. Oh, wait! They actually already have them. If there's weight in the front passenger seat but not heavy enough to be an adult, the air bag disables.
I know friends of my parents that accidently left their baby daughter in the car and she died, so I'm pretty sensitive about this issue.
If she did it on purpose, she should absolutely be charged, but I know the devastation this accident caused to the mom and dad of this baby girl. They will never ever be the same and it has torn their family apart. In their case, I cannot imagine the additional pain it would cause to have to be in put in jail over it.
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That article was heartbreaking. I cannot imagine the pain those parents go through, the absolute terror and shock of the moment they realize what they have done. I absolutely don't think "it couldn't happen to me," I'm constantly, constantly checking to make sure I remembered to grab the baby's carrier after the chaos of loading the boys in the car. I am so afraid I'll leave her on the entry bench inside our house (best case scenario), or in a parking lot where I've momentarily put the seat down on the ground to get the boys in the car to prevent them from running in the parking lot (I have to let go of their hands to lift her seat into the base). Then I also worry I'll forget about her when she's the only one I take out, because the boys are the constant reminder with their noise...she's very, very quiet, either sleeping or playing with her dolly.
I don't think parents who truly forgot and made a mistake should be prosecuted, how publicly shameful, when they will never, ever be able to forgive themselves. As someone in the article stated, it's not going to prevent parents from leaving their kids in the car in the first place, they never intended for that to happen.
I agree with this. On the other hand though, when people knowingly leave their kids in the car "just for a second", it makes me so angry. I chased a woman down in Doc Chey's a few months ago because she left her crying newborn and toddler in the car when she went inside to get takeout. I know it was only for a few minutes, but to me, that's not the point. I walked right up to the running vehicle to make sure the children were okay. Anyone else could have though too and stolen the car. Her response when I pointed out that her children were still in the car crying was "Yeah, I know". I know it can be really difficult with a new baby, especially if you already have an older child, but that's what drive thrus are for.
Ditto all of this.
My company actually started a campaign on this in May. Every day when I log in on our intranet, there is a blaring banner that talks about the dangers of leaving a child in the car.
My heart breaks for these poor parents where it was an honest mistake. I highly recommend leaving your purse in the backseat with the baby as recommended by Oprah.
Noyoucomehere, thank you for sharing that story. I can only imagine how terrifying this must have been. I can also see that happening. Lila sits behind me, and she falls asleep every single time we are in the car. Every.Time. So she is quiet. It is one of my biggest fears, and I leave my bag behind my seat for that reason.
That article I posted is so sad. I have read it probably 3 times, and every time it brings me to tears. The thing that I always, always remember is the line about the child who had pulled all their hair out. The horror of that is unfathomable.
There is a hardware store on Ptree near us in Brookhaven that has signs on the door that state if you leave your children or pets in the car they will call the police, and I have seen it happen. They don't mess around. I find them grumpy and unhelpful but I respect what they do there.
That article literally makes me want to puke thinking about it. I truly cannot imagine anything more horrible. Those poor parents & children.
Now that I have two I am so scared of this happening. I wish so much they would make something available in the cars as a safety measure. I would totally pay for it. This is such a tradegy that can be avoided. I'm a process engineer and I think its crazy that we spend tons of money engineering every process to get rid of defects when we manufacture something, but we know its possible for such a huge human error and we do nothing about it.
One thing I do to help me never do this is always put my purse in the backseat in the floor board under the car seat. I always check to see if I have my wallet when I go in so it makes me have to actually see the baby. I know it sounds stupid, but its my little thing I do to help.
I too am home with a 2 year old and a new born most of the time by myself (my husband travels for work and in the Army) and I'm so terrified of what can happen on one of those days when I'm just over tired.
I can remember several times after Tess was born that I would literally pull my car over one the side of the road, completely paralyzed with fear that I had left the house and forgotten to put her in the car. I never take my infant seat out of the car and one of those mirrors that you can hang on the back seat wouldn't fit on my car so there was no way for me to tell if she was in her carseat. She was SO quiet (has since grown way, way out of that!).
And not that I compare the life of my children to dinner but I'm just an absentminded person. I burn at least 1 thing in the kitchen weekly, if not more. Factor in if I'm stressed out, sleep deprived, distracted, or even all three and it's a wonder I haven't burnt the whole house down. It surprises me more that I haven't forgotten my kids somewhere than it would if I had. Seriously, just last week I was at PetSmart and saw my stroller folded up against the back corner. I left my freaking stroller in PetSmart for a month and had absolutely no idea.
Kim, I remember when that happened, and I think about your story from time to time ... as well as that of another friend of mine who almost left her daughter in the car on an impromptu trip to the mall one evening. Andrea, thank you for sharing that WP story. It was the first thing I thought of when I read the OP. I first read that article at some point last year, and I still think about it regularly--no joke. (Parts of it haunt me, to be honest.) I try to share it with others as well, privately after a conversation might bring up this topic and on FB as well. The article won a Pulitzer, and I am so glad it did. As hard as it is to read at times, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to write and to interview the people whose stories are featured.
I know we all have different backgrounds and life experiences, but one thing I have learned in my almost 37 years is to never say never. I believe anyone is capable of anything, and (pretty much) anything can happen to anyone--even if we say (or think) a million times over something like that would never happen to us. It can happen to anyone. Truly.
( As parents we have to be vigilant and remind ourselves and each other to check the back seat--especially with rear-facing car seats and crazy schedules, etc.
I do not think parents who do this by accident should be charged with a crime. I cannot imagine what they must live with for the rest of their lives. A scene that plays out in my mind is straight from that WP article--the parent who forgot a child, in hysterics, reaching for an officer's weapon in order to end things and stop the pain. I. cannot. fathom.
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Karen, I agree with your last paragraph wholeheartedly. I cannot even imagine how a person would be able to get up every day and function after something like that happening.
I get prosecuting the people such as the woman who used her car as a substitute for child care.
I read this over the last few hours, I kept getting pulled away. Most of the time the kids were in the room, so I had to hold it together. But the last page really got to me. Lyn Balfour explaining her situation when she was younger. And the promise she made to her son. I lost it.
Thanks for sharing the article, Andrea. I'll keep you guys posted on my friends colleague. I hope it was a terrible accident and that she is not prosecuted. And thank God the baby was ok.
That line in the story still haunts me and I probably haven't re-read that article in over year. If I am alone, I keep the diaper bag/daycare bag in the front seat with me. I have left the dogs in the car briefly to run in and get milk at Publix. But I only do it in the fall/winter when it is cool outside and I avoid it if at all possible. We've called the cops on people who left their dogs in the car at the beach during the summer.
I'm not going to read the article. I don't think I could take it.
I can totally understand how this happens - our brains are wired to follow routines. A break in routine can be a disaster.
I keep my purse in the backseat. Isn't it sad that women will generally always remember their purse, but could forget a baby? But that's why I do it. I wouldn't go in a store, my office, etc without my purse. That's a part of routine hardwired in my brain. So I think opening the back door to retrieve my purse would make look in the carseats.
DH has a high school friend who lost their baby after a daycare dropoff switch that didn't happen. When DD is being dropped off, we talk about it. Like - "How did it go today?" "She gave me 3 kisses said 'no more' then went to play." It's our safeguard to make sure whoever was taking her didn't forget. With two kids, I can only imagine....shudder...
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I need to update since I sent that article to DH. He read through it and it finally sunk in. I don't know if he just didn't realize how easily it could happen or if he had never actually thought about the aftermath. But now he gets it. He picked me and Sophie up at daycare here at my office yesterday. I was holding her and putting my shoes on and I turned around and he had tears in his eyes just from thinking about it. We talked about it all the way home. How easy it would be with our crazy lives. How we have all the common factors- stress, sleep deprivation, over filled schedules, etc. Even this morning as I was planning out our schedule for the next 2 days and told him he will have to take Gavin in on Thursday and Sophie in on Friday... he just froze- like omg, I'm gonna mess this up. So this morning I started looking for one of those devices to warn if baby is left in the car. Seems like this is the main one on the market right now. Not cheap, but I'm seriously considering it. If we end up buying one, I will let you know how it works.
My husband did not want to talk about it. But it was weighing so heavily on my mind its all I wanted to talk about. I think about Kim, how as a SAHM we do everything with our kids. The one time you go out with just one, its a break in routine. To not see Evie and have Liam fall asleep would be too easy for me to possibly forget. When I go out with no kids I always feel like I've left a limb at home. I keep having this knee jerk reaction like "Where is Evie! Where is Liam!" Until I remember leaving them at home. But all it takes is one crazed stressed out day to forget that I DID take him with me.
Anyhow, he didn't want to read it and finally I said "every parent owes it to their kids to read it and be aware that yes it can happen to you. And besides there's lots of science-y nerdy stuff about how the brain works in there to help you process it." Which appealed to him and now he'll read it. Tonight.
He rarely goes out with the kids, which is either a good or bad thing? I don't know. Would having the baby with him make him hyper aware? Or is it that much easier for him to forget this change in pattern.
This article scared me terribly, but it is a much needed reminder that it can happen to ANYONE.
I do all daycare drop offs and pick ups now so I hadn't thought about sending the article to John. I suppose that is all the more reason he SHOULD read it. If he had the kids in the car by himself it would be a break in routine. Thanks to this post I'll send it his way.
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016
Staci, I'm so glad to hear that your DH got it. I don't think I have a use for one now, but what's the link to the device you found to alert you of someone left behind?
I was thinking of other ways that I might try to remind myself. Maybe this would be helpful for others:
1. set an alarm on my phone for school's start time. If DH is going to take them one day, put it on his calendar as a meeting request that he accepts and adds an alarm that will go off on his phone.
2. If there's a change in routine, the person that normally owns taking the kids to school STILL owns making sure they got there. It's just a communication thing. For instance, I own dropping kids off at school. If I need DH to do it one day, I still own making sure they got there. So, my phone alarm would still sound when I normally take them. I'd text or call DH to make sure they got there.
Kim I love the helpful tips you have provided especially #2.
Sorry, the link didn't go thru earlier. Here is one that goes on the chest clip on the carseat. The comments say that it doesn't affect the safety of the seat but I bet it would void the warranty. And there is another one that is like a pad that goes under the carseat kind of like the AngelCare monitor thing for SIDS.
www.babyalert.info
And also, I am baffled as to why car manufacturers (or even carseat manufacturers) haven't jumped on this as an optional feature. I mean, clearly there IS a market for any kind of baby product and clearly the technology is already there- why not put it into production?