if you had a missed m/c

veggiechick120 · August 2011

do you ever trick yourself into thinking the dr's were wrong, and if you had just waiting a bit longer, you would have seen the h/b....its a sick and cruel thought i keep getting in my head..that i let them kill my child because they thought i was further along than i was? i know it makes no sense, and based on my high betas, there should have been more there than there was, but i just keep beating myself up about this..

i mentioned this to mh and he basically just told me to stop torturing myself. my sister told me i was wrong and couldnt think that, because the dr's know better than i do.

i know deep down, thats not the case..i just cant keep that guilty thought from popping in my head though.

jenn0021 · August 2011

Yes, I think this too. I had two missed miscarriages and both times they didn't let me see the screen. So it's not like I saw no heartbeat for myself, I just trusted them. Although with the first one I waited it out and tried to miscarry naturally. That didn't go too well and I ended up having a D&C after a month of bleeding. But with my second loss, I chose to do the D&C right away. So yes, sometimes I wonder if I was a little too quick to jump on the D&C option and I killed my baby. But really, deep down I know it was over before the surgery. Sorry you feel guilty, it's not a nice feeling.

tiffanyings · August 2011

I am glad you brought this up. I felt the exact same way. My uterus was only measuring at 6 1/2 weeks and I was quite certain I was 9 1/2. They could not hear a heartbeat and there was no fetal pole. I had myself convinced for the first 2 weeks that if I had waited that maybe there would have been something. You have to rely on your deep down feeling or you would go insane. I too know that I actually had miscarried. It is like being a teenager and having your heartbroken for the first time. You know there is no way to get them back and it's hard to breathe. It will get better with time (as corny as that sounds- it actually is true.) But it doesn't mean you have to forget.

Gator687 · August 2011

Yes. I totally think this a lot. And I wish I didn't because it's a horrible thought to have. I was there for the u/s and saw that there was no heartbeat. I went in that evening for a D&C. I keep thinking what if this and what if that. It's gotten a little better with time, but I still have the thoughts.

SymphonyGirl · August 2011

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and I think your DH is right - thinking this is just pure torture. Sending you big giant hugs!!

For me, we found out at 10 weeks and the baby only measured 6 weeks 2 days, with no heartbeat. I watched on the monitor during an ultrasound for about 20 minutes, and I knew it looked wrong, long before they told me what they were seeing. With 2 prior healthy babies, I knew what I should be seeing and that wasn't it. It was like looking at a photograph when you should be seeing a movie. Everything was still - no little fluttering heart, no squirming, nothing. So, I haven't had any doubts.

BzeetyD · August 2011

I also had high betas and betas that my clinic was more than satisfied with. The clinic was as shocked as we were when they found a blighted ovum.

So, my husband and I asked for a 2nd opinion ultrasound before I took the meds to induce the miscarriage.

We were both so very glad we did. I'm not saying the m/c wasn't hard and I'm not saying we didn't cry our eyeballs dry and the month or so afterwards was horrible... but...but I know we would have had doubts if we'd hadn't gotten the 2nd confirmation.

Maybe this doesn't help. My point, I guess, is that your docs were probably right too. It can happen even with high/good betas and it's hard. I'm sorry you're feeling guilty.

Take comfort in knowing that you wanted your baby and that you wanted everything to turn out, nothing YOU did or didn't do caused your loss.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

veggiechick120 · August 2011

i just wanted to say i am so glad i am not alone....i know how nuts these kinds of thoughts must sound to someone not going through this...but i knew if anyone would understand, itd be you guys. so thank you thank you thank you for understanding my insanity lol.

andrea3122 · August 2011

I felt this way too. When we went in for the 12 week u/s, the tech didn't linger very long but I knew something looked wrong. I thought a few times afterward that I should have asked to see it again and make sure but I know my doctor knew what she was looking at. The baby was measuring 9 weeks at that appt and had no hb. That was the worst thing, not to see that flicker.

amyrdz522 · August 2011

I have had this thought come into my head from time to time but I try to remain positive in knowing there was not anything I could have done differently to change it. Doesn't mean I don't have my bad days :-( (((hugs)))

sun&shine · August 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, (hugs)! I had the same feelings with my first miscarriage. I went to the ER because of spotting, and they didn't let me look at the screen when they did the ultrasound. After the Dr. told me I was only showing about 6w and I should have been 8w5d. I left feeling convinced that they were wrong and when I went to my Dr. 3 days later I had worked myself up to feeling like everything was going to be okay; unfortunately this was not the case.

amandachs · August 2011

veggiechick120:

do you ever trick yourself into thinking the dr's were wrong, and if you had just waiting a bit longer, you would have seen the h/b....its a sick and cruel thought i keep getting in my head..that i let them kill my child because they thought i was further along than i was? i know it makes no sense, and based on my high betas, there should have been more there than there was, but i just keep beating myself up about this..

i mentioned this to mh and he basically just told me to stop torturing myself. my sister told me i was wrong and couldnt think that, because the dr's know better than i do.

i know deep down, thats not the case..i just cant keep that guilty thought from popping in my head though.

Yes, I have often wondered this and then have to jolt myself back into reality. We saw a flickering hb for only moments before the tech finished the u/s at 7w1d. When I went in with the slightest of spotting at 10w4d there was no hb. They had trouble locating baby with abdominal u/s, then used a transvaginal for what seemed like only seconds before they turned it off and told me my baby was gone. I trick myself into thinking that if they had just looked harder or longer they would have seen the hb. I know this isn't true; the tech told me the baby was measuring 2 weeks behind and she said she saw the sack deteriorating.

This process comes with such a varied range of emotions, guilt is a big one of mine as well. Your husband is right though, torturing yourself with the "what ifs" won't make it better. At this point I don't know what will make it better. The hugs and kind words from all of ya'll help, so big hugs to you honey... I wish none of us had to endure this.

jerryliljess · August 2011

I have felt the same way as you do and sometimes I believe that my doctor killed my baby. The way to keep me from thinking of this is that my doctor had me wait four long, tortured days to find that the baby wasn't growing.

Jered&Gena · August 2011

Yes, I think this all the time! for that reason I will never have a DandC again! I just feel bad bacause I never got a 2nd ultersound. I was 7w6d and the g-sac measured on track but the baby only measured 6w3d and had no heart beat. my beta was 56000! I just keep thinking they were wrong! I know I had to be futher along then 6w3d because if I were only 6w3d that would have meant I'd gotten my BFP before I o'd! It makes me sad to thin of this!

luvmyducks · August 2011

((hugs)) hon. I don't think trying to hold onto hope is all bad. I did ley myself have a little hope after my 1st u/s when the baby measured almost 3w behind and had a very low hb. I knew deep down there wasn't even a chance, but I still held on.

mizpreggypants · August 2011

I really struggled with this at first, but I knew deep down the doctor was right. We had an u/s at 6w4d to find out we had twins and both had heartbeats. The second u/s at 8w4d the tech tried reall hard, she kept putting pressure on my lower abdomen to try and find a hb, but neither baby had one. The gestational sac was measuring right on track in the 8 week timeframe. The doctor said given the fact they were able to find the hb's so easy at 6 weeks they should have been able at 8 weeks and she was confident in the diagnosis.

She did give me the option on waiting a week or two, but I couldn't put myself through that torture. I had noticed a few days earlier that my breasts weren't as firm or sore as they had been for weeks, I knew it was over as hard as it was to accept. Its hard to believe if things had been different I'd be 11 weeks on Thursday instead of going in for my d&c follow up appointment =

Sorry you are struggling with this guilt.

walker03 · August 2011

That must be difficult for those who opted for a D&C or meds.

For me, I had a natural m/c so I never doubted that the baby had died. I am so sorry that this thought has been bothering you. Doctors do check, double check, triple check...they have to.

jantyme · August 2011

I just wanted to give hugs to you. I don't know exactly what you're going through because I chose to wait for a natural m/c after my m/c was diagnosed partly because I knew I would worry about it to no end. I was still plagued with doubts up until I ended up finally m/c. I think it's natural to feel doubt and guilt it's part of the grieving process.

lavril · August 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. I also had this thought. I even asked my doctor, what if you're wrong, what if we just didn't see it. Her response was that if there was any doubt they would do additional testing. Sure enough, I miscarried on my own the next day, right before my D&C. While that was awful, it did finally convince me that they were right. Big ((((HUGS)))) to you.

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