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April 2011 Moms
campbaby76
member
Daddy dilemma
campbaby76
member
Kyle has only stayed home alone with Jack 3 or 4 times and it has been for no longer than an hour each time. Every time I cone home to a screaming baby and a panicked husband. All that I have to do is take him from Kyle and he sighs a big sigh and relaxes. He stops crying almost immediately. Kyle gets really discouraged. Last night when I left I had given him a bath, made him a bottle and when i left they were laying on the bed playing. He said Jack finished the bottle and fell asleep on his chest so he put him in bed. He said that he woke up about 5 minutes later screaming and wouldn't stop. He said he walked him around and tried to get him to stop before he called me. I feel bad that this is happening and I can't question dh but I suspect that there was fussing before there was outright screaming and Kyle was absorbed in the tv and didn't hear it. Jack is with me at work all day and with me all night. Kyle rarely changes, feeds, plays with him and I am tired. Does anyone have any suggestions? How can I fix this? Also he has stayed w a sitter once in an emergency and she did fine, but she also understands looking for cues.
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Re: Daddy dilemma
I would suggest getting Daddy involved ASAP ! My LO would cry with DH all the time not because lack of effort but because my poor DH had no idea what he was doing. So he started doing everything and I would be right there little by little I would walk away. He such a daddy's boy now . HTH
One suggestion I remember reading on one of the boards on here is to have your DH wear something of yours so your scent is on it and see if that helps calm them down. We got close to having to do this once - DS was having a major breakdown one afternoon that DH was watching him and he called me asking what he could do, as he had done all the obvious (fed, changed, walked, rocked, shushed, etc.). He said DS finally calmed down before he had to put something of mine on, but I think that's the first thing he should try if all else fails.
(And I feel you about DH not reading the cues...mine's like that too and it drives me bonkers!!!)
My H works longer hours and isn't as involved as me, but he makes it a priority to give Els her bath every night. He plays with her in the tub, puts her lotion on, puts her pjs on, reads her a story and then gives her to me for some night boob. I don't help at all. He really enjoys his daddy time and I think it's really good for Els to have just her and dad time.
You could try something like that. Make Daddy time part of the routine.
BFP#1 1.28.10; HB 6w5d 2.18.10; No HB 3.8.10; Natural m/c 3.9.10 at 9w3d
BFP#2 - 7.22.10 DD born 3.16.11
BFP#3 - 8.11.11 DS born 3.27.12
After two losses, third time was a charm.
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Tonight when your DH gets home, he needs to start helping with LO's routine or what ever you do. Have him watch what you do, while your doing this have DH talk to your LO about what your doing. As your DH see's what your doing he is learing what works for your LO. Have DH play with LO while you are near by but don't get involved, just be far enough away so LO can still see you. After a few days maybe more LO will become comfortable with daddy because daddy is now doing what mommy does.
Hope things come around soon.
This.
Of course your LO is screaming, he's being left with someone he is almost never alone with who doesn't understand how to make him happy.
I will say, there are times where DD just wants me. And my DH is SUPER involved with her, watches her alone often, etc. She just gets in a must-have-mommy mode and that's all there is to it. But I force myself not to swoop in and take over - to do so would be discouraging to my husband and does nothing to build their bond.
If I have to, I take a walk or run an errand, etc. It removes the temptation for her to cry for me, and the temptation for me to just take over. And gives DH no choice but to figure out how to make her happy. He's gotten really, really good at it and in turn that builds his confidence.
eta: And don't put up with your husband trying to foist all this on you. He needs to get over his panic and figure out to be a contributing parent.
I read an article that had a chart of "baby cues" once. Maybe if Kyle really is panicked, leaving something like that with him would help. I don't know Kyle, but I think a lot of guys "pretend" to be panicked to not have to pull their weight.
Here's an article that might help:
https://www.parenting.com/article/11-important-baby-cues
I agree with him doing more while you're all home. Have him try to make things fun--walking the dog while babywearing, story-time, bath-time, etc. Maybe have a serious talk with him that Jack is his kid, too. What if something happened to you? Even getting the flu or something would mean he'd have to take care of Jack for a few days.
Mac and cheese lover!
You're welcome... I know you're not a "shrinking violet" and I'm sure you've talked to Kyle, so I hope I didn't come across wrong. But maybe pointing out a very real, "What if I broke my leg?" or "What if I got the flu?" example might work.
A lot of guys seem to magically think as soon as a boy is old enough to play T-ball, they'll be the best dad in the world. If they haven't been an active parent before then, they're still a stranger, you know? Good luck!
Mac and cheese lover!
This. My DH does this every night on his own, as well. He also takes on nearly all the diaper changes when he is home on weekends. Another thing we've tried to institute every weekend and most weekdays is he brings me breakfast in bed when he wakes up and then takes LO downstairs to play while he has his breakfast. He brings her back up to me about 45 minutes or an hour later when he has to get ready for work but on weekends he will play with her for a few hours until she needs another feed. It gives me a break and helps give them more time together since he gets home from work so late most nights.
You absolutely need some time to yourself! What about if you ask your husband if you can set up regular nights out for yourself, and offer to walk him through the nighttime routine, etc. to prepare him for the next time you go out. If you have an arrangement that you are going to go out every week, it will really make it more necessary for him to become more involved. I also like the suggestion someone gave about babywearing--that would be a great way for your husband to bond with LO!
I hope you are just stating the obvious and didn't get that from these replies, because I don't think anyone here was trying to say that you are wrong for needing a break.
I am sure we all agree moms NEED a break.
No you guys are great!! I am just so tired and feeling guilty about everything! There is so much that is overwhelming me. My job is insane, my house is a mess, and next week will be the first time that Jack is with someone other than me all day. And I am so anxious about all of it. I just need to take a breather. :0) Thanks ladies.
I know things are really tough right now - really really tough - but I wanted you to know that I think there's still hope for your DH to be that father you imagined.
My DH had trouble connecting with Drew, reading the cues, feeling comfortable on his own...all the stuff we've been talking about. The more opportunity he got and the more success he had, the better things got. I tried to encourage times for them to hang out when I knew Drew was calm (likes baths, walks outside). That helped, but you know what really helped - Drew getting older.
DH just isn't a newborn kinda guy (truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of newborns either). When Drew started to be able to sit up, play with toys, laugh more predictably, etc. DH was all over it! Not only did he start to play with Drew, but he started taking in more of the other duties as well - without me having to ask.
I know "it gets better" doesn't always help, but I just wanted you to know that my DH turned into the father I thought he'd be - it just took him a little time. :-)