new here. Custody question

Annplus1 · August 2011

Hi. I have been lurking for awhile, and really like the support I see for each other.

Backstory, then question- about 2 months ago, my STBXH decided he didn't want to be married anymore, and that his life will only be good if we got divorced. Two weeks later I determined I am pregnant. I am currently 16 weeks along. STBXH moved out a few weeks ago, and has decided it's time to move forward with the divorce.

That is the very shortened verison of my story. It also includes a drug habit, very curious behavior regarding where he was at night until 1-2am on week nights, etc. I didn't ever get evidence of an affair, but to be very honest, I didn't look very hard. The behavior came on very fast, and we got into therapy, but he quit when the therapist told him to grow up. After that, everything was my fault- in his brain.

At the end of the day, we dated for 6 years, and were married for 4. For 3 years we tried for this baby, and while the timing is terrible, I am very excited. But now concerned. I know to document any drug use, but as he states it's over now (sure) not really sure how to do that.

I also need advice on what to ask for/bring up in mediation regarding custody. I am in MN, and I know I need to rely on the mediator's guidance, but want to know any thing I should ask about while there.

Thanks in advance. I am pretty sure we will be getting to know each other pretty well. I don't have any other children, and this is all pretty overwhelming.

turtlesmom · August 2011

Hi, I don't really have any advice, my sitation is much different than yours but I wanted to say good luck and that I hope everything works out for the best for you and your baby.

Don't let any of his decisions affect how happy you are. You wanted a baby for so long, and being a single mom is trying, but it is also one of the most rewarding things in the world. (hugs)

Unknown · August 2011

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PrettyInPearls23 · August 2011

Sorry you're here, but welcome!

I'd check with your state's laws to see if divorce can even be filed while you're pregnant.

hollinor · August 2011

Unfortunately I know for a fact they won't allow you to get a divorce while pregnant. I tried to divorce my husband while we lived in Texas when I was pregnant with my first. They told me to come back after I delivered. The second attempt at divorce we were living in Hawaii. But I was bound and determined to get away from his abuse. I was pregnant with my second child. I lied and said I wasn't. I even had to sign a statement saying I was not pregnant. I finally had help from the Domestic Violence group and I wasn't about to back down this time. They had tried to help me a few months earlier, but I was still too scared and he'd threatened me to drop it. I think being pregnant gave me courage. I just wore baggy clothes when meeting with my lawyer and when going to court. I was five months along when everything was finalized. It didn't take long because he didn't contest anything.

Annplus1 · August 2011

MN will allow us to divorce while pregnant, thank goodness, just so I can move on with my life as he has apparently moved on with his, and there is no hope for us to try to work this out. Which, to be honest to myself, is the best decision for me and the baby because this man I am married to is a stranger.

I was hoping to avoid a lawyer, as money is incredibly tight so I was hoping that mediation would work, since we "seem" to be on the same page regarding divison of assets, and custody. I am going to go to the informational meeting and then go see a lawyer.

At this point, I am ready to start down the new path, instead of hanging by this hope thread to the old one.

And thank you for the support, and the web hugs. I cannot tell you how sad/happy I am to not be alone in all this.

PrettyInPearls23 · August 2011

Annplus1:

MN will allow us to divorce while pregnant, thank goodness, just so I can move on with my life as he has apparently moved on with his, and there is no hope for us to try to work this out. Which, to be honest to myself, is the best decision for me and the baby because this man I am married to is a stranger.

I was hoping to avoid a lawyer, as money is incredibly tight so I was hoping that mediation would work, since we "seem" to be on the same page regarding divison of assets, and custody. I am going to go to the informational meeting and then go see a lawyer.

At this point, I am ready to start down the new path, instead of hanging by this hope thread to the old one.

And thank you for the support, and the web hugs. I cannot tell you how sad/happy I am to not be alone in all this.

Not to be a downer, but I've seen far too many cases on this board start out this way. My own included. Just be prepared for shiit to hit the fan and your H to turn into a giant DB.

No amount of money is too much to spend to protect yourself and your LO. I didn't see it as going into debt -- I saw it as an investment for my and DS' future.

ann&ian · August 2011

You are right about that. If I knew this guy I am currently married to, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. The guy I married, the guy I fell in love is gone. So I took your guy's advice and called my parents. They are going to help me with a lawyer, so I can at least make them payments instead of taking out interest debt for it. My parents are the very best, and I am blessed to have them.

I guess a part of me is still believing that STBXH will snap out of this, will go back to being himself and this is all a bad dream. I am preparing for the worst in my head, but man, really wish my heart would follow suit. Thank you for the reality check. I am going to need this from time to time.

EDITED TO ADD- for some reason my Knot name followed me here on this computer. I am now Annplus1 and will figure out how to make this computer the same.

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