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DH vent (I've always wanted to make one!)

lucisparentslucisparents member
in Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

DH and I work very different schedules. I work from home 7-5:30 M-F and he works at a restaurant from 3-10 Tue-Sun. I've asked him to change his work hours to more "family friendly ones" and he has tried. After getting 1 or 2 weeknights off, his boss gives him his old schedule back. We have Monday evenings and Saturday mornings off together. That's all. And of course, I use this time to grocery shop without DS.

As of now I can not make plans to go to the zoo, vacation, even go to the movies. If I ask him to take off work he flips. I work really hard and save $ so that he can take off as much as he wants to.

My problem with this is that I feel like I do it all. I take care of DS all day and because DH is at work I take care of him in the evenings too. DS is usually in bed by the time DH gets off work. And because he works late, he wants to stay up late, playing guitar with his buddies in the "man cave" til the azz crack of dawn. So he sleeps til 11, gets up eats then will leave to hang out with friends before work, or take a nap! He is the hardest worker I know, however he's the laziest person when off the clock.

He has training in electrical work and acts like he'd like to pursue a career doing that kind of work, but he never does what it takes to make the change.

After telling me he was scheduled on his usual night off (that I had made plans for) I flipped. We had this super long heart-to-heart in which he promised to start looking for another job today. So he just left to run errands and grab me some lunch, after an hour I text to see where he is....hanging out with his friends!

What gives? How do I make him grow.the.F.up?

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Re: DH vent (I've always wanted to make one!)

  • FrickandFrackFrickandFrack member
    imagelucisparents:

    DH and I work very different schedules. I work from home 7-5:30 M-F and he works at a restaurant from 3-10 Tue-Sun. I've asked him to change his work hours to more "family friendly ones" and he has tried. After getting 1 or 2 weeknights off, his boss gives him his old schedule back. We have Monday evenings and Saturday mornings off together. That's all. And of course, I use this time to grocery shop without DS.

    As of now I can not make plans to go to the zoo, vacation, even go to the movies. If I ask him to take off work he flips. I work really hard and save $ so that he can take off as much as he wants to.

    My problem with this is that I feel like I do it all. I take care of DS all day and because DH is at work I take care of him in the evenings too. DS is usually in bed by the time DH gets off work. And because he works late, he wants to stay up late, playing guitar with his buddies in the "man cave" til the azz crack of dawn. So he sleeps til 11, gets up eats then will leave to hang out with friends before work, or take a nap! He is the hardest worker I know, however he's the laziest person when off the clock.

    He has training in electrical work and acts like he'd like to pursue a career doing that kind of work, but he never does what it takes to make the change.

    After telling me he was scheduled on his usual night off (that I had made plans for) I flipped. We had this super long heart-to-heart in which he promised to start looking for another job today. So he just left to run errands and grab me some lunch, after an hour I text to see where he is....hanging out with his friends!

    What gives? How do I make him grow.the.F.up?

    This would make me really angry and I would let DH know.

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  • Jessys_GirlJessys_Girl

    Uh, yeah...it is NOT okay to tell me you're going somewhere (run errands and pick up lunch) and then be somewhere else (hanging with friends) without letting me know, while I'm waiting on you.

    I would have another heart-to-heart with him and explain that you need him to do X,Y, and Z.  ("I need you to wake up at 10am and do a load of LO's laundry", "I need you to prepare LO's dinner and put it in the fridge so it's ready when I get home", "I need you to do the grocery shopping one morning before work.") and that you feel that he is not helping/contributing to your child/family.  If this heart-to-heart doesn't work I'd suggest marriage counceling.  It's really disrespectful of him to flake on running errands and picking up lunch for you.

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  • dragon_chicadragon_chica member
    imagelucisparents:

     How do I make him grow.the.F.up?

    You can't, you're not his mom.  You can talk about your feelings, make ultimatums, go to counseling but in the end it's up to him to grow the F up.

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  • bride2be79bride2be79
    You need to make it clear to him that his attitude is not ok.  Married guys w/ a kid and one on the way do not get to hang out w/ friends or sleep until 11 or play video games until every other conceivable chore/childcare task is done.  Period.  You need to explain to him how bad it makes you feel and how it's negatively affecting your relationship.  You need to ask him how he wants to handle this (i.e. does he want a weekly list of tasks or does he want to be responsible for doing stuff on his own) and that you will not be ok if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.  Ask him how he would feel if his DD were married to a guy who was acting like him?  That really drove it home for my DH (although our issues were more of the anger management type but the principle is the same).  You need to do this calmly and in an adult way but you need to assert yourself and let him know you are not kidding.  Also, ask him why he isn't doing more?  It may be he feels insecure and needs you to hold his hand a bit (irritating I know but if a little encouragement from you gets him to get his butt in gear than it's worth it IMO).  Good luck
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  • ashnoelleashnoelle
    imagedragon_chica:
    imagelucisparents:

     How do I make him grow.the.F.up?

    You can't, you're not his mom.  You can talk about your feelings, make ultimatums, go to counseling but in the end it's up to him to grow the F up.

    [expletive] TB just erased my long reply. Essentially, my SO and I have almost the exact samep problems. Only, I don't work from home.

    No solution. Just keep talking.

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  • Soon2bBivensSoon2bBivens member

    DH and I still have this argument from time to time.  The thing that was best for me was to just tell him I really needed his help with the baby because all the time I spent doing baby things made me feel like I wasnt being as good of a wife as I could be.  Then I gave him chores (baby things) that required him home, i.e. giving the baby a bath means you have to be home to do it ya know?  That way you're not "mothering" over him but have found a loophole to make him participate a little more.  And now he looks forward to bath time because it's "their" special time.  

    All else fails?  Stop doing all the work for a week.  Let the house go to sh!t and let him see how much work you actually do.  Matter of fact I just told DH yesterday I wasn't doing one more stinkin dish until he put the clean ones away.  HA HA, guess who was puttin the dishes away this morning! GL!

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  • diana.filipidiana.filipi member
    I wouldn't be able to deal with the hanging out with friends so much!  What about hanging out with his family?  He's acting like a college kid.  Pardon my asking but how old is your DH? 
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  • lucisparentslucisparents member

    imagediana.filipi:
    I wouldn't be able to deal with the hanging out with friends so much!  What about hanging out with his family?  He's acting like a college kid.  Pardon my asking but how old is your DH? 

    He's 27. He also went through a phase when I was PG with DS, where he was having his "last hoorah." He's a very mellow guy, doesn't even drink, so I don't mind the hanging out with friends to play guitar but he needs to spend time with his family and do some help around the house first.

    We talked it over again. I told him I think he's slacking at home because there is no risk of being fired. Then I told him that I could very well fire him anytime I wanted. We've made a chore list for him and hopefully he can work out a better work schedule.

    I felt kinda bad re-reading this post b/c he's a really good dad, but there's still room for improvement.

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