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Survivor's guilt?

AlliebooberzAlliebooberz member
in Pregnant after IF

This might be the only place where people will understand this!

I feel like I am still in shock from our miracle BFP.  almost 3 weeks later and I still can't wrap my head around it or believe it.

And also... I feel like I have survivor's guilt.  I feel terrible for all of my friends still struggling so hard with IF... 

and I feel like yeah I went through 3 1/2 years of IF and we were told explicitly that it would literally be a miracle of epic proportions if we ever conceived naturally... and we did... but I feel like I can't stop thinking that others had it worse !  And have it worse.

Do these feelings ever go away, or is this super common in PAIF?  How can I love on my IF sisters?

dx MF & FF IF
Off B.C. Jan '06, started charting Feb '08, 2% morphology and PCOS, no O with meds,
IVF w/ICSI only option to conceive.
Licensed Foster Parents 07.11
Miracle BFP 7.20.11 1st beta 6,274! EDD 3.17.12
Miracle Baby born March 5, 2012 . 6lbs 1oz, 19 3/4"
Miracle BFP #2 10.8.12 - edd 6.20.13

Lilypie First Birthday tickers BabyFetus Ticker
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Re: Survivor's guilt?

  • etoyamaetoyama member
    (((HUGS))) I think this is so normal. Its not as though you can just flip a switch and magically forget all you went through to get to this point. I actually felt very angry in the beginning because I felt like my family expected me to just forget all we'd been through and suddenly be all excited about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready. And I was still so upset for everyone I knew that was struggling with IF. I felt like a traitor if I got too happy or excited. I dont think these feelings ever completely dissipate but it's important to remember that you DO deserve this. You DO deserve to be happy.
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  • CluckyEVCluckyEV member

    First of all Congrats!!! 

    etoyama gave some great advice, I would say ditto.  

    Everyday & sometimes multiple times a day, I find myself saying "Holy crap, I'm pregnant!"  Typically I am alone, but sometimes DH is there too.  It is almost like I have to say it out loud since my mind is having a hard time grasping this oh so foreign concept.  I need to say this out loud so that I remind myself to enjoy this pg.  Sure my pants aren't fitting anymore & my shirts just don't seem long enough.  Still I am having a hard time believing it is real.

    "When the world says, 'Give up,' Hope whispers, 'Try one more time.'" -Anonymous

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  • Mrs. MoMrs. Mo member

    imageetoyama:
    (((HUGS))) I think this is so normal. Its not as though you can just flip a switch and magically forget all you went through to get to this point. I actually felt very angry in the beginning because I felt like my family expected me to just forget all we'd been through and suddenly be all excited about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready. And I was still so upset for everyone I knew that was struggling with IF. I felt like a traitor if I got too happy or excited. I dont think these feelings ever completely dissipate but it's important to remember that you DO deserve this. You DO deserve to be happy.

    Well said.

    I still feel guilty about gushing about my pregnancy knowing that there are people I know still struggling. Heck, I purposely did not go to a family function over the weekend on DH's side for this very reason. DH has a cousin that has been struggling for longer than us. I actually ran into his wife at the clinc the day of my 2nd beta. She was getting betas too but my cycle worked and, well, they are still trying. I just knew how hard it was for me to see a pregnant women so I didn't want her to go through that (esp. since IVF#1 worked for us and I honestly don't even know what attempt they are on).

     



    "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie
    "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." --Thomas A. Edison
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  • kelfeenkelfeen

      I have REALLY struggled with this.   My brain and heart are constantly tormented by this pull between it all.  It is almost like IF became my identity and I feel like a traitor or faker now that I really cant produce the same emotions. 

      It really bothers me when something that would have crushed me to my soul before now is not so painful... not in the same way.  It is a memory of a feeling and that is strange to me.   I want to move on and be happy..  and celebrate my pregnancy but at the same time it is SO hard when you have gone through what we have and have sisters we have surpassed and "left behind."

    TTC#2: septum removed, 2 losses, Stage 2 Endo, thin lining, slight MFI
    iui #5 2/7 + 2/8 = BFP!! 11 dpiui
    Beta #1 2/18 11dpiui= 46, Beta #2 13dpiui 150, Beta #3 16dpiui 584!!
    u/s revealed triplets! Baby B 3rd loss 8w2d. Twins! EDD 10/31/11 * c/s scheduled 10/12/11 My NEW BLOG Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Sunshine05Sunshine05 member
    I understand.  I felt this way, especially since I didn't have to go through much compared to so many other women.  I may have been trying for a longer period of time, but I wasn't going through multiple IVFs or m/c or anything.  It was hard to be happy, and I constantly was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It just didn't seem possible that it could all work out this easy (third Femara cycle) and not suffer more like so many other women on IF Vets.  I really had to make a conscious effort to be happy and excited, and it did get easier as time went by.  I still have a great deal of empathy for those still struggling though.
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  • llizzybllizzyb member
    imageetoyama:
    (((HUGS))) I think this is so normal. Its not as though you can just flip a switch and magically forget all you went through to get to this point. I actually felt very angry in the beginning because I felt like my family expected me to just forget all we'd been through and suddenly be all excited about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready. And I was still so upset for everyone I knew that was struggling with IF. I felt like a traitor if I got too happy or excited.

     

    I dont think these feelings ever completely dissipate but it's important to remember that you DO deserve this. You DO deserve to be happy.

    I feel like I'm not deserving b/c we had a surprise BFP on a TTA cycle, didn't do multiple IVF's or injection cycles, hadn't been trying for four years, etc. I think it's totally normal to have this variation of feelings and emotions. 

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