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Blended Families
FIL & the ex-wife.
There's 6 yrs of history since DH's divorce here that has brewed into a mess between FIL & ex-wife. Also combined with DH's poor relationship with his father.
BM stayed friends with FIL after the divorce, more to tick DH off than anything. She use to take the kids to visit him w/out DH's knowledge and FIL would say he didn't want to get in the middle by telling DH that she did this. When I came into the picture, I was really uncomfortable with this and since DH was too, we expressed this to the FIL. His wife told me and DH off cc'ing BM and her whole family making us look like azzez.
BM still visited FIL that year with the kids against DH's wishes. Hasn't since that year though and that was 3 yrs ago. This summer, FIL came to visit for DS' Baptism. While FIL was with us, BM called the house and invited FIL to have dinner with her and her family even thou he was only with us for two days (to spend meeting his new grandson). We had the girls (my stepdaughters) and she planned to take FIL & the girls to dinner on OUR TIME with the kids. He said he couldn't make it but the whole invitation bothered us.
FIL says he doesn't talk to them anymore except here and there to be polite b/c he knew we were bothered by in it 2005. Fine with us. Cards and gifts go to our house. He calls the kids at BM's thou.
Then this weekend, SD6 tells us that they're visiting FIL this summer in SC (We live in MD) but this is ironic b/c we also made plans to visit FIL this summer. We also let BM know two months ago that next July we're going. FIL knows we're planning to visit too.
Then this morning he sends a family email to everyone which includes his siblings, nieces, nephews, kids, us and low and behold, BM/her parents.
If she's pretty nasty to us and has cost us ten grand in legal fees over six years, still going to court on and off, why is he so friendly with her? Does he not give a crap about his son? What she has put us through?
I guess I"ll never totally understand the relationship there and I guess it's not for me to understand.
I'm having a hard time being mature about this BUT have kept my mouth shut since 2005.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FIL & the ex-wife.
"If she's pretty nasty to us and has cost us ten grand in legal fees over six years, still going to court on and off, why is he so friendly with her? Does he not give a crap about his son? What she has put us through?"
Because he loves his grandchildren? The operative word here is CHILDREN. You and your DH are adults.
Now, do not get me wrong, maintaining a frendship level relationship with the BM is not appropriate. And by what you wrote, he has pulled back on THAT relationship.
But I am having a hard time understanding why you are upset that he is having an individual relationship with his grandchildren? "He calls the kids at BM's thou" So you are actually expecting him to NEVER call his grandkids when they are not with you? Since you are not primary caregiver, that would mean that he would only be able to talk to them those short times they are with you. That is totally selfish on YOUR part.
I really believe that your issues with your BM are bleeding into anything that SHE touches, even though she is indirectly touching them through the kids.
A good example is that you were mad at your FIL for HER invitation. Why is that? He had no control over her actions (ie the call), only his actions, (not accepting the invitiation - as you wanted).
BTW - we ALL do this. But I think as soon as you stop dwelling on the "associations" and only focus on the direct actions, you will actually start feeling better about everything and everyone.
UGH...I am right there with you on this one. My ILs did that with DH's ex too, even though, when DH was married to her, they were constantly telling him to "do something about her" because she was such a bad mother. (Seriously - that's not my wording - it's theirs. They threatened CPS on her, etc.) Anyway - after the divorce and after DH and I started dating, they would still do that sh!t - we'd end up running into them somewhere out with her, and come to find out, she was asking FIL for money.
Well, DH finally blew up at his FIL. He made it blatantly clear that if FIL wanted to see the kids or talk to them, he could certianly do so on our time (since DH has full custody and the kids were only with their mom 1 day a week).
For some reason, FIL and SMIL have really come around since I got pregnant. It took 2 years of dating and 2 years of marriage for it to happen, but they're finally on board.
Either that, or they just got tired of BM constantly asking for money...
I wasn't mad at FIL b/c of her calling but he did create the situation here.
I think since we encourage a regular relationship with phone calls/visits/cards/gifts - that communication with BM should be cut.
He sends her bday gifts/cards and e-mails her regularly. It's not JUST FOR the kids here.
That relationship (excluding what is done for the children) would annoy me as well.
BM tries to do that kind of crap with my MIL/FIL and others in DH's family...it doesn't work though because none of them can stand her. Before we were married she came to pick up SD from my MIL's house, I was there along with DH's adult neices, SIL's BIL's, and of course MIL and FIL. She walked right in, talked to everyone like she was their best buddy - walked right by me and completely ignored me and then went into to chat with MIL/FIL. Everyone just turned and looked at me...I just smiled...she was obviously putting on a show for my benefit (SD wasn't even in the house). When he left everyone just started laughing. Now whenever they see her out and about they try their hardest to avoid her if SD isn't with her.
Unfortunately, then there really is not much you CAN do then. He is a grown adult.
You have talked to and expressed your hurt (by you, I mean DH only) by the continued contact. But if your FIL cannot love your DH enough to cut back contact you only have two choices.
1) Accept that this man will never live up to your expectations (and they are SOMEWHAT reasonable) and let it go. If you stop thinking about it, you will start getting less upset about it.
2) Cut FIL out of your life until he does exactly what you want. Now, he will still have access to the other kids, but your child will loose out of a seemingly good grandfather.
These are your only two choices here. Both suck. But only you can live with the decision.
I can honestly say that I would be offended by this comment. It is not only YOUR feelings that matters here. His feelings hold some weight here too.
Were my DIL to tell me "dictate" (note that dictate is in quotes - you can dictate by vocal tones and facial expressions just as easily with words) to me when, where and how I could communicate with my Grandchildren or who I could remain close to, I would probably rebel a bit too.
If you were more opened to your FIL having a full and unfettered relationship with the grandchildren on his schedule (you know giving him the same respect you are expecting him to give you), he may just be more apt to cut the cord on the relationship with the BM.
And I am taking a stand here because I lived this from the "child's" position.
My aunt was married to my Uncle for 15 years. He was a horrible husband, but a great father, stepfather, uncle, brother in law and son in law. In other words, he was a normal human being with normal foibles.
My aunt wanted to cut all contact off between Uncle Richard and the rest of the family. We were punished for their marriage failing. And the more she tried to control us, the more we rebelled. It wasn't until she calmed down and accepted that we could not just walk away from someone who was our family, we were able to get into a much more "fair" relationship.
I would feel odd about this relationship, too. However, it does seem to just be about the kids, not about FIL "taking sides" with BM. There really isn't a downside to BM and FIL still acting like family. I'm sure the kids enjoy the ease of their relationship.
From the other side of the fence, youngest SS has only met BM's parents once (last year during her supervised visit phase, so I got to meet them, too). She's never offered their info for us to contact them, and I don't think she's ever given them our info. She doesn't have regular contact with them. It really wouldn't be odd for us to have some communication with them, as we have primary care, but that's never been initiated.
My thoughts exactly. I'm still bothered by it but I don't engage with these people and by "these people," I mean DH's parents. Both are a box or rocks. When they're around, I'm polite. That's as far as it goes. At least MIL is loyal.
He may be a good grandfather but he's a piece of crap as a father. You can call DH an adult all you want but when BM ruined his life, his father kept talking to her - sending her money for bdays, etc. and didn't care. Kept saying he didn't want to get involved.
With all due respect, this isn't about your family situation --- this is just my feelings of unease about my situation. I'm not running around screaming and yelling at people. THis is JUST THOUGHTS in my head that I released here b/c I needed to get them out so I could MOVE ON.
I'm not trying to control anything. I ignore all of it. I keep it to myself.
I don't even talk about this stuff to my friends or my family.
So don't compare me to your family and the things they've done to each other b/c I'm not like that. I love my stepdaughters. I love my son. I love my husband. I respect his parents. But I like some things to be different. With all of the things we all go through in this blended family there are two things that I'd like to change...A) Not to sit at Mass with her - I'll do all of the activities/special events directly with BM but not Mass. That's my HAPPY time.
For her to let DH's family be his family to spend time with his kids and his family.
Whatever happens will be. BUT I'm allowed to vent about it.
Trying to control things that are not for me to control is insane. It will make me miserable and unhappy. I know this.
And one more thing - we're not trying to cut out any relationship here. We just want to be the one to visit the FIL and do the phone calls.