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Success after IF
I need this to be flame free (long)
Sometimes I think I'm a horrible parent.
There, I said it out loud.
I know a lot about newborns. More than most people. I'd go so far to say that when it comes to a healthy no complication newborn, i'm pretty much an expert.
But this? Practically 8 months old. An infant? I'm hanging by a post partum hair loss gray that's about to break.
I know a lot of our issues stem from the situational needs of having been in a brace/cast for her entire life. Everyone says "oh she won't remember". That's not helpful. Because it's really affecting life now. And not just in logistical ways. But in ways I never imagined it would in terms of development and sleep, etc.
While she was braced/casted she always had to be held or supervised. Any play equipment we had for her we built, so it's not like it was safety rated. There was always the risk she could fall or smother (like if we actually left her in the beanbag, which we never did). So she never learned to play independently. She's always had an adult near her. And until we learned that she could nap in the beanbag (again, always supervised), she was held to nap constantly. We also fed her to sleep. She just wouldn't go down without a full belly. So, much like some NTS, we BTS. She'd have her bottle, and then be laid down.
While she was casted she woke several times at night. 2-3 usually. (which was good, because we had to change her that often as well.) At least now we're down to only once, but she's not waking for comfort, she's waking because she's hungry. And her night time feeding is her best of the day because she's completely not distracted. (She took 9 ounces last night!! ) And like bedtime (and naptime, if i'm being totally honest) she eats, then falls asleep and gets put down.
I can't force her to eat more during the day, because unlike a lot of bottle fed babies, she doesn't eat unless she's hungry. We say she's like a BF baby who doesn't know she's not being BF. Sometimes she wants 4 ounces and sometimes 7. And you can't get her to take a ml over what she's hungry for. So, it's not like I can take this huge chunk of nutrition and just give it to her at another time.
And to make it worse, her naps in the last week or so have become practically non-existent. I can deal with the feeding to sleep thing, if she'd actually STAY asleep. The last week and a half or so i'm getting 11 minutes out of her. Maybe 12. Usually, I put her down and she lifts her head right up and laughs at me (and this would be if she was dead out when I put her down).
I'm having an experiment right now, and I fed her in my bedroom (she sleeps in our room still in a crib) and put her brace on (we've been leaving it off during the day until she's on more of a schedule) and when she fell asleep put her down. I was thinking maybe she's not sleeping for me because her brace ISN'T on (as opposed to the ortho thinking she'd stop sleeping at night if we let her sleep without it during the day). So, she's been sleeping for about 1/2 hour.
Maybe my feeling was right - and we need to figure out when she's getting tired and brace her before she naps. Maybe it's a security thing. Who knows.
Anyway - i've just been feeling like a terrible parent. I feel like we're doing everything wrong. From my continued feelings about not being able to nurse, to her lack of sleeping, to her middle of the night feeding, to even feeling like we're screwing up BLW because we haven't been feeding her from our plates or giving her things like bread and pasta.
Maybe if this braced nap thing works out, I'll at least feel like i'm doing that right. It will just suck to have to keep pants or babylegs on her for the rest of the summer, because I can't put the brace on bare skin and putting leggings on her when she's tired will just wake her up. I'll do it though. What's wearing babylegs in august compared to wearing fiberglass and plaster in june and july?
I'm hoping that i'm not the only one with a non-scheduled bad sleeping non-napping dependent in play infant... but sometimes I feel like I am. And I just really needed to get this out.
Don't get me started on how this is affecting my supply either...
Here - have a lactation cookie. Thanks for listening, ladies.
Dx: MFI, DOR, 9 Fibroids and homozygous MTHFR
"Smudge's Story - How to Grow a Dandelion" will return soon!
The Dandelion Archive
"If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn."
"Smudge's Story - How to Grow a Dandelion" will return soon!
The Dandelion Archive
"If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn."
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need this to be flame free (long)
aw sweetie, huge hugs! you have had a rough go of it, and now you are dealing with some unfortunate side effects. You are a GREAT mother! she is a happy, healthy little girl!
A couple of thoughts I had as I read this...first of all, my chunky butt son has only taken 4-5 ounces at a time for pretty much his entire life. taking a 4 ounce bottle seems perfectly normal to me! I wouldn't stress over that! And as far as BLW goes...I was really sad when it didn't work out quite like i had hoped either. but he learned eventually, it just took a little longer than I had envisioned. I really don't think you can "screw it up"....If she is exploring flavors and textures, that's exactly right! She doesn't have to like it all, eat piles of food, (or even much food at all!). And we, even to this day, often top him off at the end of a meal with some leftover puree, applesauce or yogurt to fill in the gaps when he is tired of eating what we had for dinner. (and to nutritionally balance things out when we've had pizza or something).
HUGS!! Hang in there mama! (and i think your brace idea sounds like when some kids can't ditch the swaddle cold turkey!...its all she knows! it seems like it would make sense that she might struggle with figuring out what is comfy now)
I'm so sorry - I could have written this paragraph word for word around the same age, and we didn't even have the cast/brace issues that you have dealt with, we just had (have) a high needs kid and that, combined with being maybe TOO attachment parenting, led to him being like the neediest kid ever. He's 2 and still needs us to fall asleep and it takes 30 minutes, and I constantly blame myself. Everyone feels like this to some extent at some point. But the good news is (a) this feeling will pass and (b) you're actually a PHENOMENAL parent because not only are the problems you describe the result of you recognizing and attending to your LO's different needs due to her medical issues, but you also are worried about it and want to be the very best for her which is the best any parent can do.
Hang in there, sweetie!
First, the only thing you are doing wrong is being too hard on yourself. You do not need to have a baby, or be a parent who "fits" into any set category. If BLW is not working out, do what comes natural to you.
Her eating does not strike me as abnormal, and my mom has told us that not one of her 5 kids slept through the night until at least 12 months.
Hugs, no flames, and hang in there!
Many hugs to you. You're absolutely not a bad parent. It's a hard job on a good day and you've had a harder road than many of us.
I had a horrible napper and sleeper too. She woke to nurse until she was 12-13 months. At 8 months, she was definitely still eating overnight. And she was still taking every nap at home in the swing at that point.
I can't remember, how long has she been out of the cast? Could it just be taking her some time become used to her new freedoms? Hang in there!
No flames here just ((hugs)).
Don't feel bad DD didn't nap w/o being held until ~9-10 months and she didn't have the cast/brace issue. She will eventually get used to napping w/o being held.
As for the eating, once a night isn't bad at her age. If it's a real issue have you tried reducing the bottle by an oz and adding that oz to another bottle? She may need to be helped to understand that eating is a daytime activity. I had to nightwean DD b/c she liked her night time snacks.
As for the independent play, start slow, even if she plays alone for a minute or two that's something to build on. At first you can put her in the pnp and let her play then gradually extend it by a minute however often you're comfortable w/. Once she's used to playing independently you can try it outside of that.
We do independent playtime (per babywise) which is scheduled and always in a pnp or other safe contained area and it took a while to get DD playing on her own but now she's a pro at it. We only do it once a day though, the rest of the time I'm "playing" w/ her which is her coming to me as she wants to share/read/interact. I think that's fairly normal at this age range!
Big hugs, mama. Please try not to beat yourself up too much. This stuff is hard, and I say that without the challenges that you've faced to this point.
Try not to over-stress about the feeding thing, In the end, she is eating and growing and that is what is important.
I think your hunch about the brace may be correct.
Good luck. I hope things get easier soon.
You are a GREAT mommy! Your DD is blessed to have you as her mommy! Nothing but love, hugs and prayers from me!
Hang in there!! ((hugs)))
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
ditto this!!! You are so not alone. Even without the medical issue you have had, many of us have gone through most of you describe. You are doing an awesome job. Maybe a little break would do you some good?
I can't imagine flaming you for this. (((hugs))) sweetie! You are not a terrible parent at all, in fact you are an amazing mom for so badly wanting to do what is right for your daughter and with all of the challenges you have had!
You are not alone. At all.
The only thing I would offer as a suggestion (which you are free to ignore, and of course it is up to your pedi and you to decide if this is really something you want to try) is that after 5 months, many babies can do without food for a long enough period of time to not eat at night. Will used to eat a ton in the middle of the night and we (with our pedi's ok) just started giving him 1oz less in his bottle each night. By the time his bottles were down to 2oz and then 1oz, he just decided he didn't care enough to wake up in the middle of the night to eat. And he stopped. And he started eating a ton more during the day and before bed. I don't know if that helps - maybe you've heard it before and have decided that it's not for you, but I wanted to offer it up if it could be of any help to you.
(((hugs))) again.
(((huge hugs)))
i think we all have these times. you are NOT a horrible parent. it is 110% a myth that all it takes is a good parent to get any baby napping well and in a nice sleep and feeding schedule. it takes a good parent, and LUCK. some babies are easier than others. our lives got a lot better when we finally admitted that nothing was going to get our LO on a regular nap schedule. after ferberizing he takes long naps, thank god, but a regular schedule? nope. we have to wait until he shows signs of fatigue and put him down. attempting a regular schedule just led to him lying screaming in the crib. when i was explaining to his new daycare provider today that his nap schedule isn't regular, i felt very defensive--i felt like she wouldn't believe me that it's impossible to make him nap at the same time every day and that she would think it was my fault. there's a lot of pressure on mommies to make everything perfect--and it's bullshi!t!!!
based on my irregular sleeper i'm a big believer that what's possible is different for different babies. and you've got it WAY tougher than the rest of us because of these cast issues! honey, it's an amazing accomplishment that you've kept your little girl happy and healthy (and fed with breastmilk, i might add--that you're still a lactation rockstar even though she wouldn't nurse). you have done a GREAT job with a very tough first year. if your LO isn't a great napper . . . well, rest assured that you are not alone. lots of babies aren't great nappers, and it is NOT the mama's fault!
go eat those lactation cookies and take good care of yourself. you are an awesome mama and you deserve some pampering and relaxation. sending lots of napping vibes to your baby!
I'm hoping that i'm not the only one with a non-scheduled bad sleeping non-napping dependent in play infant... but sometimes I feel like I am. And I just really needed to get this out.
Oh mommy. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Put down the weird western notions flavored kool-aid consisting of "how a baby is "supposed" to be parented." It is ALL bullshiit.
Babies LOVE to be fed to sleep. It's normal and natural - that's why it works so well! They grow out of it, they don't have to be forced out of it. Some parents choose to go a different route that works well for them - and that's great! But it's also totally normal and great to feed your baby to sleep. I did, for a long time. Worked well for all of us - and then at a certain point it just went by the wayside because he grew out of it.
Next - holding your baby and rocking him/her to sleep = one of nature's greatest pleasures. NORMAL. NATURAL. A lovely thing for mommy and baby. Again - don't believe the hype that this is BAAAADDD. Such a crock. It's not bad, it's totally fine. We did this too in our house for a long, long time. Sometimes it was a PITA because it took too long or there was a show I wanted to watch and couldn't - but mostly - it was awesome. A time I look back on and treasure.
Jack was also held for almost all of his naps due to his plagiocephaly and my not wanting it to get worse (so we'd hold him and keep pressure off of that part of his head.) Eventually we got him a helmet so it wasn't necessary any more but my mom (his granny/nanny) still held him for every nap. It was fine. She doesn't anymore. Well, yes she does, sometimes. So what. It's their thing. It's fine.
NEXT - you are AMAZING. A pillar of strength and stick-to-it-iveness and I am in awe of you. God you are such a good mom. I don't want to hear ANOTHER word about anything you've done wrong - you are an example of everything right - such a loving mom.
Please do not worry about the mythology of how you're not supposed to hold or feed your baby "to sleep." BAH!! It's baloney. In the blink of an eye she won't be a baby anymore. All the love and extra snuggles and care you are giving her during this difficult time for all of you is setting her up to be a healthy, well adjusted toddler and older child someday - and someday is right around the corner.
HUGE hugs to you - don't change a thing you're doing unless you WANT to because you feel it's time to make an adjustment. But not because you feel societal pressure to conform to some half-baked American notion of baby raising.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
LucyP FTW!!
Seriously, in my book, you're doing everything right. You're following your babies cues and doing what she needs, how could that ever be wrong??
And all those things that 'they' say you should do - feed & rock baby to sleep, hold while sleeping, etc - I did them! Still do sometimes! And you know what neither my teen, my 6 year old nor my toddler needs a bottle, a boob or me to pat their butts to fall asleep now
Swear! They grow out of it in the blink of an eye and don't want your snuggles anymore (and would rather poke themselves in the eye than have you be involved in their leisure activity). It will be ok, it will be better than ok! And you rock for caring so deeply and trying so hard to be a good mama to your sweet baby!
Congratulations, sweetie - you're finally totally normal.
It's hard not to think "if only this" or "if only that" with all you've been through. But it just might not have anything to do with the cast. It's going to take a long time to not feel like there's something extra going on. But some babies just don't like sleep. I spent every second I could trying to figure out what was "wrong" with Daniel. WHY wouldn't he sleep? HOW could it be healthy? He was cranky often because he was tired but there was nothing I could do to make him sleep. He had nothing wrong with his hips but he still slept tightly swaddled - in the swing - until he was 8 months old. And then it was hell to get him in the crib when he outgrew the swing. He wouldn't nap and it made me insane. Absolutely insane. My entire life revolved around getting him to nap. And then he'd sleep for 15 minutes. Or 2 hours. No predictability whatsoever.
And Daniel got up to eat once per night until he was 9.5 months old. Sometimes he gets to where he can entertain himself for a little while. But it seems when he's reaching new developmental stages he can't. Nothing really keeps his attention. But then when he gets to whatever he's been working on (crawling, standing) he goes back to being able to play with me and alone.
In short - babies are weird. And, ick, right now mine stinks. Gotta go!
Oh Gen! I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said... but I do want to send you a ton of HUGS!
You are awesome, I'm pretty certain of that.
Some of this stuff is just SO HARD.
Ditto this. And I'll go one step further and say I don't mind that DD still wants me around when she goes to sleep. I really don't have any reason to believe it will last forever (says the woman who pre DD used to ask DH to come lay with her until she fell asleep and he planned to paint all night). Seriously you are a great Mom and your daughter is going through normal developmental changes.
p.s. I don't think DD regularly played independently until she was closer to 1 and some days she still wants constant interaction.
(((hugs))) You are absolutely not a bad mother! You have had a rough road and I think it will just take time.
Maybe it's a December 9th thing.
This is not to take one little bitty iota away from what you've been through, seriously, but so much of what you describe currently is happening here too. In terms of wanting to be held, feeding to sleep, waking overnight hungry, etc. -- you're not alone. I knew at days old that Elena wanted to be held all of the time, and it's still usually true at nearly 8 months old. She's only had peas and avocado, FWIW, and I don't think any avocado has actually made it past the tip of her tongue. (Bread and pasta? Those would be the last things I'd try, personally.
)
Naps happen at different times here too, based on when she woke overnight in and in the morning, and you're right, it's totally just a matter of keeping that in mind and looking for clues. She's teething now too which is making it even harder. And bedtimes follow from that, which vary a bit since we're putting Kira to bed too. I want DH to be able to put Elena down so she doesn't need to nurse, but that usually fails. For now I'm just grateful that she naps at all since Kira never did as a baby, nursing or not -- and it sounds like Anna naps a bit too, so yay.
Don't beat yourself up! So much is totally normal, mama! Good luck!!!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
I can't speak much to the sleep thing, but I wore a (modified milwaukee) back brace for scoliosis for many many years, from age 10-17. When I finally got that bad boy off, I COULD NOT SLEEP FOR MONTHS. (ok, maybe weeks) Every wrinkle bugged me, I hated how "loose" I felt, I could not get comfortable. I was older, so I can VIVIDLY remember how uncomfortable I was out of it.
Doesn't really help your little lady, but I will tell you that having it off was a VERY odd sensation, much more than what I recall when it went ON at age 10.
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
((((hugs)))), Gen!
I think LucyP about summed it up!! ::gives lucyp a standing ovation::
I will add that I, too, nursed or bottled E to sleep for all naps and bedtime until 14mo and I STILL rock her to sleep at 19mo and she doesn't always STTN and I will go in and rock her back down when she wakes.
You are rocking this mommy thing and you and your sweet girl are an inspiration to me!
THIS exactly. Hugs!
Our babies are about the same age. Neither of my children have been terrific nappers. I'm just now feeling like I can get DS2 to take at least 1 nap in his crib a day, but I've had months of practice.
As far as making sure he's getting enough to eat, I'm having a really hard time getting him to focus. Even if I am feeding him in a dark, quite room alone, he still pops off (which doesn't feel great now that he has two teeth) and looks around if say a big truck drives by outside or a neighbor is rattling their dishes around (thank you summertime in a neighborhood of old houses w/o a/c). So usually the best feeding he gets too is the night time or first AM one.
My bffs oldest son never played independently. He was always asking her to make his toys talk to her. She marvels at how her younger children don't *need* her the way the older one did. Maybe it is just your daughter's personality?
And as far as solid food goes, mine is totally not ready for table food yet! Everytime I give him an avacdo or something not pureed he pukes it up. Those guidelines of when to start that will just have to wait for this boy.
Don't be so hard on yourself, I think a lot of what you are describing is normal and totally not attributed to the cast.
This age is just challenging. 
I feel like the feed/rock to sleep isn't very popular and anyone that isn't doing CIO or ferber or something like that is really looked down upon sometimes.
This makes me feel a lot better.
THank you for telling me this.
Haha.
You're my new favorite person in the entire world.
Thank you ladies. I am starting to feel a bit better. And with the brace, she actually napped a little.
"Smudge's Story - How to Grow a Dandelion" will return soon!
The Dandelion Archive
"If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn."
Everything you wrote sounds pretty darn normal to me...including feeling like a bad parent who's doing it all wrong!
Honestly, one of the biggest lessons in parenting is that things are not going to go how you want and how you expect. Learning to adapt, to make the best of the situation, to accept that each child is different and we're all just trying to do the best we can...that's what it's all about. It's a daily struggle.
Don't beat yourself up, please. You're doing a great job, and as others have said, you've faced so many extra challenges.
As for the feeding to sleep versus Ferber thing... *I* advocate Ferber, but I always did feeding to sleep. Does that confuse you? The truth is, things are complicated, and you figure out how to make it work for you and your kid.
And I haven't been able to commit to Ferber (though we've had MANY false starts) with DS2 because he's a screamer, and I don't want to totally mess up DS1's sleep in the process!
We're all muddling through, and we all feel like we're doing it wrong. You just do what you need to do. (((Hugs)))
Or your kid is just high maintenance. Mine were crazy high maintenance without any attendant complications. They outgrew it and are now VERY mature and independent for their ages. Take a deep breath, shrug, and say, "This too shall pass!" Keep working toward your goals slowly. STTN is just 6 hours straight--something most first-time parents don't understand. MANY children don't sleep more than that straight until they are a year old. Heck, my 2 y o wakes up every single night still. She fusses herself back to sleep 3/4ths of the time now, but some kids just take longer to sleep. And my son didn't nap physically off my body until he was 6 months old. He could not stay asleep unless he was being held. He's normal and healthy now, too.
TTC since 6/02 (age 22) K/U instantly despite no AF for 5 months--preemie baby boy 1/03
M/C 11/04 - M/C 05 - M/C 06 - BFP 2/08--fullterm baby girl 10/08 - M/C 4/11 - went to RE at age 31
DX: crappy quality & infrequent ovulation, mild MFI
Stimmed cycle #1 C/P 7/11 - Stimmed cycle #2 C/P 8/11 - Stimmed cycle #4 C/P 10/11
On Stimmed Cycle #5
Always thought I'd be a "mom of many"--now just hoping to be a "mom of one or two more!"