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Single Parents
Anyone care to share their mediation experiences?
STBXH and I have mediation in a few weeks. I'm not sure exactly how it works. Are our attorneys present or is it just the 2 of us and a mediator? We are not on good terms at all for various reasons (but the most important being it was an abusive {emotionally/verbally} relationship & he continues to abuse from afar) so I dont have a lot of hope of it working out. He's asking for the farm and I'm worried he'll get his way (he's very manipulative). Any advice?
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Re: Anyone care to share their mediation experiences?
Well, this was the way it went for us.
There is a waiting area and we were called in, one at a time (no attorneys were present). Then the mediator spoke to me, and then spoke to him. They actually have a segregated waiting area if you are worried about abuse of any sort. We utilized this when XH was really at his worst and I was afraid of any sort of backlash.
Then the mediator called us both back in one more time (one time it was together, the second time-when I was afraid-it was separately). He let us know that he would make a recommendation in writing, that way neither one of us knew so it wasn't a hostile situation.
The meeting separately cuts down on the manipulation. If you feel he's asking for too much, then stand your ground. They will make a recommendation and the judge has the final say so. I think they are pretty good at reading through BS. They really care more about facts. When I came to mediation I had all of XH's jail records, pics of the drugs I found in his vehicle, and anything else that was relevant.
Okay, so we met with our respective lawyers and the mediator. It was a 4 hour, very expensive waste of time, but is required in my state.
We went in together, both met separately with the mediator at one point (as in my lawyer, me, and the mediator in one room - him and his lawyer in another and vice versa). Talked it out for a long time and came to an agreement, then in my case he refused to sign. Ugh. It ended up to be the best in the long run, now when I think of what he/I got vs. what we would have if he just signed the paper is so very different in my favor.
So basically after the meeting, he didn't sign the agreement...then time goes on, his lawyer drops him for nonpayment, we let it sit and then finally go to a judge. By that time exH had screwed himself over so bad by not coming and cancelling etc. that I ended up with a good plan for DS in our case.
HTH. And I totally get the nervous wreck thing. Just hold out for what you are comfortable with, and if you have a lawyer - I suggest consulting with him/her before you sign anything.
For our first round (temporary custody), we started in the same room - us, our lawyers, and the mediator. We eventually "caucused", and my lawyer and I went to a different room and the mediator shuttled back and forth between the two rooms, helping us negotiate for 3 hours.
For our second round (permanent custody/decree), we were never in the same room. The mediator again shuttled back and forth, but STBXH and I never saw each other that day. We were there for over 4 hours and didn't finish. We had to attempt to finish by going back and forth through our lawyers by a certain date, otherwise we would have had to go back to mediation for a third time.
If you don't feel comfortable being in the same room, I would think the mediator would respect that and keep you separate, which also allows you to say exactly what you want, without STBXH intimidating or manipulating you in any way.
The first time we went, it was great. My ex and I had come to a one year agreement on our own, child support is determined via calculator and we had already split up our belongings.
The agreement was for one year since I moved with Jake to Germany for 8 months to live with my parents. I was moving back to Canada after 8 months, but since my parents are military, we weren't sure where yet.
We've been back to mediation this summer to discuss custody, but it's been a disaster since we don't agree at all and my ex is lying left, right and center.
My ex can be very manipulative too, but you need to stand your ground. If mediation doesn't work out, you'll have to go to court. That's my next step right now.
Thanks for all the information. I'm easily manipulated by him still. He got me alone in the courthouse when we were there for temp custody and nearly talked me into something I wasnt comfortable with.
I'm afraid mediation wont work, and we will have to let a judge decide, but that is just as scary!!
Any advice on this... he is asking for alimony from me (I barely make $40K/year)... is this possible? I'm also afraid he will ask for me to pay his health insurance for the rest of his life (if that is possible, I have a feeling he is going to try and go out on disability at some point too). He is all about screwing me, he cares nothing for the well being of our child. I have to protect our baby, but also myself. I cant let him screw me over for the rest of my life either.
It's turning into a disaster.