TTC after 35

I feel sick and really need advice from you ladies

Good morning, Ladies.  I hope it is a great day for all of you.  Mine was until about an hour ago when I found something.   

Anyway, we are remodeling my step-daughter's bedroom, so all of her things are in boxes (open top) in the garage. She borrowed a notebook from me the other day to use the paper and I saw the book on top in the box. I wanted to make sure there weren't any financials written in there that she doesn't need to see. When I picked it up another paper came with it and fell. I picked it up thinking it might be something of mine. It wasn't. I know I probably shouldn't have read it but I did. I read the end because that was what was showing but after seeing that I read the whole thing. Just quickly, she is 14 and 3 months. Back in November (when she was 13) her mother allowed her to start "seeing" this boy from her school. After about two months or less she was crying all about him and so on and so on. Typical teenager stuff. He had done so many mean things and embarrassed her at school. That is another long story. Afterward, she was forbidden by her mom and my DH from seeing him. She swears she hasn't but we always see him in pictures on her facebook page and she says he just "jumped in" the shot. In the letter she makes reference of the fact that they have been dating on and off for 8 months. That is news to me since she has sworn she hasn't seen him.

So, back to the letter - the line at the end (which is the first part that I saw) said "considering I might be pregnant we may have to stay together." I feel so nauseas. I don't know what to do. She's obviously not since her period came on Tuesday. I know this because I do the laundry.

I could really use some advice on how to handle this. It will all come down to an argument about privacy and how I shouldn't have read it. But at the same time, I am concerned about her. I believe this seriously needs to be addressed and don't know what to do. Do I tell DH? Do I pretend I didn't see it?  I feel so sick over this. She's 14. This child is too young for this. She watches that show "16 and Pregnant" which we don't allow her to watch here but apparently she can at her mom's. These shows are making things worse and kids think it's cool.

Please ladies, I feel like I'm going to pass out.  I really, really need your advice.  All of this happening while I am hoping AF doesn't show her head this week.  What do I do?  Please help.

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Re: I feel sick and really need advice from you ladies

  • I wish I had some great advice for you - but I don't.

    I am a pretty regular poster on Blended Families - you might want to check there!

    Other than that - don't feel guilty for snooping.  I do it as a SM and I will do it as a BM.  Teenagers are dumb and thank goodness you snooped.  Does she know about safe sex?  Doesn't sound like it!  Has she been vaccinated for HPV - that can give her cancer!

    She needs to be talked to in a kind and loving way without judgment!  Is there any other way that you could know she is sexually active without having seen the letter? I'm sorry you are in this situation!  Does she see a counselor? You could leak the info to the counselor (I do that with SS counselor).

    Best if luck!

  • Her mom has talked to her numerous times and as a teenager her response is "I know mom, I'm not stupid."  About a little over a month ago, before school ended and around a month before the letter was written, her mom started letting her go home and be by herself until her mom got home after work.  She was trying to as a trust issue.  Well, one day mom came home and saw a strange backpack in the foyer.  She went ballistic.  That boy was up in her room with her and she said he came to get some things that he left at her house.  Mom new that was BS.  She washed her mouth out with soap for lying and was supposed to punish her about it.  Well punishment never happened which really irked me.  Her reasoning was because she's been going through some bullying at school and didn't want to add more stress.  I've told DH before that by not administering some sort of punishment it is sending the message that what she does has no repercussions.

     I will also post this over to the blended families post as you suggested.

    Thank you so much.

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  • I hope you don't mind me butting in, but I just wanted to tell you to not feel guilty for reading the letter.  I have a 16yo DD and I have told her for her entire life that there's no expectation of privacy while she lives in my house.  I told her that I wouldn't routinely go through her room, but if I found something or had reason to suspect something was wrong then I would go through whatever I felt I needed to and that this was only to make sure that she was safe and not putting herself in bad positions.  I have only "had" to go through her room once and thankfully didn't find anything all that bad, but if this were what I'd found, you can be sure I'd be telling her that I found it and we'd be talking about it.

    When my SD lived with us, I said the same thing to her.  I actually was waiting for the day when she'd get pregnant, unfortunately.  I hate to say it, but with her it wouldn't have surprised me.  If I had found anything like that I definitely would have told DH and he probably would have told her mom and there would have been fight, for sure, but a necessary one in my opinion.

    Good luck with this situation.  I know how hard it is with a blended family.  I wish you all the best.

    Also hoping AF doesn't show her head for YOU!!!

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  • Thank you. And you are not butting in.  I need all the advice I can get.  I was going to call DH at work but thought I would wait until he got home. My initial feeling after reading the letter why was she so stupid for leaving something like that out?  Her mom periodically goes through her text messages and e-mails.  I am between a rock and a hard place being the step-mom.  I did post this over at Blended Families also.

    All advice is appreciated.

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  • Wow!  I can't imagine what you're going through right now.  I would definitely talk to DH about it & get a game plan together on how to handle it.  I don't know what your relationship is with DH's ex, but it would be nice if all of the parents were on the same page on how to handle it & where to go from here.  No matter what you do, she is going to feel like her privacy has been violated, but hopefully she will realize one day that it was for her own good.  Looking back, I wish that I had an adult in my teenage life that would've taken the time to talk to me about sex & what the affects of it meant.  Not just the physcial affects, but the emotional ones as well.  I wouldn't come at her in an accusatory way because it might push her away even further.  Let her know that you care for her & that is the reason that what she is doing matters so much to you.

    I will be praying for you & hope that you can find a way to correct the whole situation!!!!

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  • mkwtmkwt member
    I don't have any advice for you, I am sorry, but I did want to give you some (((hugs))).  I do remember my teenage years and want to give you some advice that my mom gave me.  I had divorced parents when I was a teenager so my mom got to  do most of the discipline.  My mom always said to me...."There is nothing that you will say or do that will shock me, I want you to feel comfortable coming to me and talking to me about your problems.  I promise not judge you but  give you compassion and support if you need/want it"  I always felt better when she said that, so if I was having boy trouble or school problems I knew I could talk to my mom.  My mom was by no means my best friend, but I always felt if there was a situtation that arose that she would be understanding with me and not yell at me.  I do wish you the very best because that is catch 22 situation!  Good luck to you!
  • My 0.02.  You weren't technically snooping.  You noticed something of yours in your SD things (your notebook) and you had a concern that there was potentially some info in it that SD didn't need to see.  When you took a closer look, you stumbled onto something very concerning.   I'd tell your DH and I'd tell him just like that.  Give him the letter, let him read it and tell him he needs to address it.  You, your DH and SD's mom need to be on the same page when discussing this with her.

    Your SD should see a doc.  She needs to be tested for STDs (if the boy she was with has treated her badly, part of that mistreatment could have been cheating) and who knows how many times he's been around the block.  If she's sexually active, she needs to have a physical exam, pap smear and a lesson on STDs/STIs, and birth control. 

     P.S.  Hope you get some good news this week and AF takes a hike for the next 9 or so months!

     

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  • imagebenoitfan:

    My 0.02.  You weren't technically snooping.  You noticed something of yours in your SD things (your notebook) and you had a concern that there was potentially some info in it that SD didn't need to see.  When you took a closer look, you stumbled onto something very concerning.   I'd tell your DH and I'd tell him just like that.  Give him the letter, let him read it and tell him he needs to address it.  You, your DH and SD's mom need to be on the same page when discussing this with her.

    Your SD should see a doc.  She needs to be tested for STDs (if the boy she was with has treated her badly, part of that mistreatment could have been cheating) and who knows how many times he's been around the block.  If she's sexually active, she needs to have a physical exam, pap smear and a lesson on STDs/STIs, and birth control. 

    Thank you. I will tell DH when he gets home from work and see where we go from there.  I know her mom has talked to her about sex and I have also. As most teenagers, she thinks she knows everything. The past couple of months she has come to me with questions about her period and different pains.  Now I am wondering if it's because she thought she was pregnant and asking me to make sure everything she's feeling is normal with her monthly cycle.

    Her dad is going to feel so hurt about this.  Dad's find it hard when their little girls grow up.  I know mine did.

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  • I have a 13-year old daughter.  She knows that I have full freedom to go through her stuff at any time I want to.  I don't, but if I have a concern, you can bet I will.  And if I happen across something, I'm going to talk to her about it.  You are the parents.  Period.  I don't believe in the whole "parents can't snoop" way of thinking.

    And she may have left the note out to have it found.  You know how some people say you leave things out by accident subconciously to have things found out?  It could be along those lines.  I would imagine the thought of being pregnant at 14 scares her to death.  She needs to know you guys know.

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  • I wouldn't feel bad either about finding the letter either. It's not like you were snooping through her stuff, it was an honest mistake that you found it. I would let her Dad know since you do seem really concerned about her. Hopefully, you and her Dad can sit down and talk with her about your concerns.

    Personally, I would try and present it more about you being concerned about her choices, rather than making it all about her breaking a rule and continuing to see the guy, although that may be hard for your husband (which I don't blame him.) Hopefully she will be more receptive to that approach.

    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about this. Left Hug

  • No advice, other than yes I would tell your dh and leave it up to him to tell her mother. I wish you luck, I worry about my 14 y/o niece constantly, so I can only imagine how you must feel. Good Luck.
  • Privacy for kids vis via their parents is a cop out. Your job is to protect your kids even when they don't want it.  You have a sexually active 14 year old on your hands who may not know how to prevent pregnancy, may be glamorizing the idea & most importantly may not know how to prevent disease.  Pregancy at bottom is a good thing; AIDS can kill you. 

    Talk to your DH.  Make sure he's on board with talking to her.  Then talk to her.  Get the biological  mom in on this too if possible.  I'd probably also have the boy's parents over for a chat. 

    The goal is to keep DD safe & healthy so she can have a happy well adjusted childhood not be a mom before she can drive. 

  • imagedalm0m:

    Privacy for kids vis via their parents is a cop out. Your job is to protect your kids even when they don't want it.  You have a sexually active 14 year old on your hands who may not know how to prevent pregnancy, may be glamorizing the idea & most importantly may not know how to prevent disease.  Pregancy at bottom is a good thing; AIDS can kill you. 

    Talk to your DH.  Make sure he's on board with talking to her.  Then talk to her.  Get the biological  mom in on this too if possible.  I'd probably also have the boy's parents over for a chat. 

    The goal is to keep DD safe & healthy so she can have a happy well adjusted childhood not be a mom before she can drive. 

    I agree with you.  She has been told privacy doesn't apply to her and we remind her that while she is growing up, she is still a child.  Don't worry, her mom will be involved.  DH is supposed to talk to her tomorrow.  He, however, is in denial.  As most men don't want to think about their little girls that way.  Her mom, however, will deal with it.  She has talked to her about the birds and the bees and about diseases and she has learned it in school.  I think, like most kids, those things don't apply to her and won't affect her. The "it won't happen to me" syndrome. This kid that the letter was to has been told to stay away from her and her from him.  Of course, I know that when you tell a kid not to do something, they do it anyway.  This is a tough one, but don't worry, it will be dealt with.

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  • imagedalm0m:

    Privacy for kids vis via their parents is a cop out. Your job is to protect your kids even when they don't want it.  You have a sexually active 14 year old on your hands who may not know how to prevent pregnancy, may be glamorizing the idea & most importantly may not know how to prevent disease.  Pregancy at bottom is a good thing; AIDS can kill you. 

    Talk to your DH.  Make sure he's on board with talking to her.  Then talk to her.  Get the biological  mom in on this too if possible.  I'd probably also have the boy's parents over for a chat. 

    The goal is to keep DD safe & healthy so she can have a happy well adjusted childhood not be a mom before she can drive. 

    I agree with you.  She has been told privacy doesn't apply to her and we remind her that while she is growing up, she is still a child.  Don't worry, her mom will be involved.  DH is supposed to talk to her tomorrow.  He, however, is in denial.  As most men don't want to think about their little girls that way.  Her mom, however, will deal with it.  She has talked to her about the birds and the bees and about diseases and she has learned it in school.  I think, like most kids, those things don't apply to her and won't affect her. The "it won't happen to me" syndrome. This kid that the letter was to has been told to stay away from her and her from him.  Of course, I know that when you tell a kid not to do something, they do it anyway.  This is a tough one, but don't worry, it will be dealt with.

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  • For your sake I am so happy that the mom is sane & dealing appropriately. 

    Before I met & married DH I dated a man with a teenaged son.  I was horrified to learn how little he understood about sex & the possible consequences.  At 13 I was the 1st person who had a frank discussion with him.  Being only the dad's GF, I deferred to the parents on all the ethical issues but I answered all of his other medical / clinical Qs. 

    At the time the kid wasn't my biggest fan but in time he grew to respect me.  Sadly his dad passed away.  Last Mother's Day as the son was graduating from college (my alma mata) he wrote me the most amazing letter thanking me for helping to raise him right. 

    Best wishes & good luck keeping your step daughter safe from herself. 

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