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Parenting
marrymemylove
member
Starr Mom re therapy
marrymemylove
member
in Parenting
Not really to do with the other post but no I don't think anyone should need therapy for that. Basic adult human understanding is all that's required.?
Do you think adopted kids automatically need therapy because their 15 year old mums gave them up? Maybe you do. But I don't. It prima facie sounds like at 15 adoption is ?perfectly logical and loving option - even without other factors/knowledge of the case. I think it would be pretty sad if a kid older than a certain age didn't have some understanding of their parent's feelings and POV.
Then again I don't think that life is half as therapy-inducing as people think. Maybe because I've BEEN in the situation of needing therapy and this is nowhere nowhere near there. The really really hard things to deal with have a lot less logic than a parent not enjoying being a parent yet doing all the right things and loving their kids.?
I think sometimes that America has a very different attitude to therapy. The stereotype is that Americans get therapy because they locked the keys in the car and I'm not suggesting its like that but there is some grain of truth in there.
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Re: Starr Mom re therapy
Nope. Understanding that your parents' gave you up for adoption because they can't give you the life they deserve is reasonable. Realizing that you were a burden on your mother's life and that she would have been better off without you is totally different. That would damage me to my core to know that the one person who should love me no matter what resents me for 'wrecking' her life.
And for the record, I've never had therapy.
For a laugh (for both of us hopefully) I thought I'd freak you out with a story from my best friend from high school.
Her mum had 3 kids, 6 year gap each time, my friend was the youngest. Her first child was the accident in first year college that ended her career prospects. After 6 years she came to terms with that and his learning problems and had another. Then it took another 6 years until another accident. She was a great mum btw.
Anyway she used to take my friend to the supermarket as a child of say 6 or 7 and my friend would coo over the babies in prams. Her mother's mantra in response was "babies are horrible awful things and you DON'T WANT ONE!".
My friend used to joke about this in high school and some of the teachers thought it was just awful that a mother would say that to a child but honestly my friend was the best adjusted person I've ever met other than DH.
?So when I saw her when DS was 1 year old she asked how was motherhood and I said "babies are horrible awful things and you DON'T WANT ONE!" and we both dissolved into laughter. And BTW her sister chose never to have kids and my friend hasn't decided yet (at 32). The brother on the other hand has 3 kids from 3 different mothers who all live with his parents.
Now you'll be telling me next that we and DS are all totally scarred. But I don't buy it. LOL?
I don't see responsibility as coupled with resentment. I don't resent my credit card company though so maybe I'm weird after all.
My grandpa worked in a hard manual job for decades that he must have hated in order to keep his family fed and clothed. ?He did it out of responsibility. He taught my mum to face up to and cheerfully fulfill her responsibilities even if it involved doing things she didn't like. He called that simply integrity. He also did it out of love, but that doesn't add anything to the fact it was out of a sense of responsibility. I love my son but that doesn't mean that the WAY I look after him isn't driven by responsibility. If I didn't have a duty to him I'd just let him watch TV all day.?
?I am beginning to think we're just at cross purposes.?
I've been reading all these posts this evening and don't have much to add except that MMML, the way you think you are being perceived by your son may not be in actuality how he sees you/your feelings towards him.
You might not see it as resentment/blame; rather it's "personal responsibility" in your eyes. However, that is YOUR opinion of the situation and it may not be his. Just saying...don't be so sure your disdain for motherhood (even though YOU think you are hiding it well) is not somehow apparant to him on some level.
Thanks, EMT. That's exactly what I'm getting at.
I don't resent my credit card company either, but rather myself for getting into the situation where I have to pay them. I'm sure if the company had child-like feelings, they would see that as somehow their own fault.
i'm jumping in this before i go to bed. but are you sure you're not depressed? from what I am reading, you don't sound very happy. i am not trying to judge you, but just encourage you to seek some help if you feel overwhelmed, sad, etc.
what you write just really does not sound normal to me. sorry, but i just have to say it. i really hope you find some happiness in being a mother. before it's too late.
and also real quick i agree w/ EMT. just b/c you think your friend did not take her mothers comments personally, does not mean your child will too. every kid is different and every kid processes things differently. i think more likely than not, if you talk like you do on here in front of him,it most defintely is going to impact him in a negative way.
gl to you!
To clarify, not trying to flame either. I just know I forget that sometimes.
You seem to have it all well-thought out and it seems perfectly logical to you what you are feeling and how you deal with it; but a kid doesn't have the same abilities to see these subtle differences (i.e. the whole resentment vs. personal responsibility argument); you know?
ok i just went back and read your earlier post. I think that there is a really strong posibility that what you experienced in your childhood is affecting how you behave and feel as a mother. please, please, please, seek help. you sound smart enough that you should know better...but you just seem to keep trying to justify your feelings, instead of going to talk to somebody and really hashing it out.
it wouldn't hurt to try, right? even if you think you don't need it, can you do it for your child? what if you seek help and it did really help you become a bit more positive...wouldn't that be a better environment for your child?
remember how sad and lonely you felt as a child? (as you said in your previous post) don't you want to do everything in your power to prevent your child from ever feeling even one moment of that?
i really don't think that saddness that you felt as a child stemmed from being an only child...i think it had more to do with the absence of your mother and her great responsibilities and her underlying resentment of you, whether she told you that or whether you picked up on it, i don't know.
ok i really need to go to bed. but this is so troubling to me.
gl!
I'm totally not taking any of this as flames but I just don't agree.?
I think introspection is one thing but navel gazing is another. If people really think this is something requiring therapy (either re my mother or my child or think there's a connection) then I think you're in a culture of therapy. That's small stuff compared to what therapy is for imho. And I've HAD therapy, I am not shying away out of stigma or anything like that. It just does not rate.
I don't think I'm an especially strong person (though my mum IS, I admire her so much!). But I do not see how it is a big deal. REally. And as for thinking theyr'e connected, sorry, I call that navel gazing.
They're about as connected as 2 pieces of bread being eaten by different ant colonies on different continents. In some sense everything in connected, but stretch it too far and it gets ridiculous.
BTW "that's ridiculous" is DS's new phrase. I adopt it here for these purposes.?