Not what I wanted...understanding(Long)
MrsS2203
member
Let me preface this by saying my precious baby boy is here and other than jaundice we faced no real complications. Thank you Lord!
Here's the problem...my birth story isn't what I wanted. I feel horrible for feeling this way,but I feel cheated/robbed.
I went in to L&D for decrease in fetal movement. I had done a 24 hr urine and found out that my protein levels were elevated along with BP. The doctor had planned to tell me all of this at my appointment the next day. I was going to find out my induction date was going to be July 29th(39 wks) due to Pre-E. Since I went in for monitoring and all the evidence(yes we discussed many options) pointed to baby being born a week earlier than originally planned.
I went into the hospital on July 21st and the plan was to start on cervadil(sp) and pray that worked then go onto pitocin. I got the CNM to agree to hold off on magnesium sulfate(mag) for awhile. I get checked in and find out that I'm 2- 2 1/2 cm and 25% effaced so my midwife was shocked and we went straight to pit. I was laboring just fine and contractions were picking up. Shift change is when things went downhill.
The OB came in and was pissed that I wasn't on mag. I understand from a doctors point of view its a risk to not have me on mag....if I were to seizure it wouldn't be good. The bad thing with mag is that(in my case) you are bed ridden and have to have a cath due to it being a muscle relaxer. I hate,hate mag it makes you feel exhausted and disoriented. I hated even more that I was pretty much going down a path I didn't want. I wanted to move around and labor where it felt comfortable. A lot of things were a blur and I really,really wish it weren't the case. Anywho, contractions intensified and so did the attitude of doctor/nurse. I was trying to focus through contractions and apparently that makes me have an attitude. I was pissed because the OB had a god complex and basically they informed me that anyone with a plan never gets their way
. I finally asked for some medicine to take the edge off, due to me not knowing how long I'd be in labor. I wanted one good night of rest. Interestingly enough I got 45 minutes of sleep and it was time to deliver. I had no clue I'd go from 4-10 in 45 minutes. I'm proud that I avoided an epidural,but mad that I had to take something. The nurse was very shocked that I didn't get an epidural.
My husband and mom(who is visiting and there for birth) don't get why I feel cheated/upset. I mean after all I have a happy, healthy baby what else could I want. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I'm very,very thankful Jayce is here and that we avoided a c-section. Thanks for reading!!
Re: Not what I wanted...understanding(Long)
I don't think it's wrong to have a certain feeling regarding a birth. I'm not sure I'm getting the whole picture, though. Are you feeling cheated because you were induced? Or, because of the annoying attitudes of the doctor and nurse?
Oh, and congratulations on the birth of your baby boy!!!!
I feel cheated because its not what I wanted,so yes because I was induced. I wanted to remember things and not take any meds. I'm ticked with the doctor/nurse because they could have made the situation a little more pleasant.
Yeah, that sucks that they had a crappy attitude. But, if it makes you feel even a smidgen better, my 2 med-free births are a complete blur.......
Sadly, it does help. I guess when I pictured the whole birth process it wasn't the reality that I got.
I understand how you feel. I don't even want an IV and so if I have to have any meds or fluids I'm going to feel slightly miffed and out of control. So I get it. However, I do think that with you having the elevated BP, so much so that you all decided it was time for induction you have to give yourself a break. Having a plan is one thing; a medical condition is another. I wanted a home or birth center deliver but my body had other ideas when it decided to dilate at 19 weeks. It's just something I cannot help. You should NOT feel as if you did anything wrong for taking the mag. You could have always refused it if you really wanted to so probably somewhere in your fog you realized that the mag would keep you safe and therefore keep baby safe. Subconscious maternal rationalization ;-) Who knows taking the mag (though you didn't want it and it makes you limp) could have kept you out of the OR.
And I'm totally with you about the "you have a healthy baby that's all that matters" comment. It's not all that matters to me. Certainly the health of my child is most important but I don't want to be a robot or doormat in the process. Many women feel cheated and taken advantage of after birth. I know girls so upset in the process they won't get pregnant again. So it's not all sunshine and rainbows after birth with that oh I forgot all about the labor and delivery already feeling.
I'm sorry you did not get the experience you wanted. I would probably be upset with the OBs attitude as well. Is there a reason you went from working with a midwife to an OB in mid-labor?
Congratulations on your LO!
In a very real way to some women, the baby and the birth experience are two different things. I adore my son but I have a hard time thinking about his difficult birth. Celebrating the baby is a very different thing than mourning the loss of the experience I hoped for.
At a very basic level--I know this is kind of an odd analogy--think training for a marathon. If you complete it, you complete it. Yay, celebrate! But, if you got injured and walked 2/3 of the way and it took 3x longer than your goal, it can be disappointing. That is a different story than running the whole thing and coming in second place out of hundreds. Both are worthy and both are the same end result, but the journey matters. It is totally normal to have healthy, sad emotions about the experience while still totally adoring your baby. Take the time to feel what you need to feel and talk it out with your DH, doctor, us, journaling, or whoever feels right. I hope that eventually you are able to come to a place of peace about it.
More Green For Less Green
First, congratulations on your new LO!
Second, I think that it is amazing that you were able to labor through pit contractions IN BED and only get something to "take the edge off". That combination makes a lot of women cave and get an epi that they originally didn't want.
Thirdly, I don't think that any women get the birth that they want with everything going according to plan. We all have something that we didn't like or didn't go the way we wanted. Unfortunately, things that didn't go the way you wanted were pretty big things. Is it okay for you to be upset about it? Absolutely. Hopefully over time you will start to feel better about your experience and focus on the good parts and let the bad parts go. But that will take some time and that is okay.
Feelings are feelings and you have every right to have them. It also sounds like if this doctor would have handled themselves differently and in a manner where you could actually trust their opinion you may even have felt differently about the outcome.
Why do people have to be such turds?
((HUGS))