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MrsBeckO
member
I'm a PW today, but I have a WWYD about my dad...? (very long)
MrsBeckO
member
((this got crazy long, sorry... once I got started, I got carried away))
After his stroke in June, he spent a little less than 2 weeks in the hospital before being transferred to a nursing home/rehab facility. The first couple weeks there went great -- he was happy and upbeat and motivated, liked his nurses, loved his therapists, didn't complain about the food... all good things.
Slowly, he's started doing a 180. He complains about the nurses all. the. time. and has even made up stories about stuff they've done. He swears they're out to get him and at least half of all stories from him end in the words "this just stinks of retaliation!" (sheesh)
He started being snotty to the medical staff there and I've had to "mediate" between him and the nurses and director a handful of time. He's down right rude to my 20 year old brother (who lived with him pre-stroke and has been the one dealing with most/all of the day to day crap since he's the only one local to dad). He started getting short with me on the phone, rude when I would say I can't come up there every weekend, etc.
Then last week he had an "episode" that mirrored a stroke but wasn't - a high fever put him in a state of hallucinations, his speech was gone, he lost mobility on his "good" side, etc. He was taken to the hospital where 394536 tests were done and even though all the stroke-like symptoms have resolved, he is still being held there because the stress of the situation is messing with his heart and BP again.
He called me Saturday saying that the rehab home won't take him back because his insurance is denying the claim, and he said the rehab home told him they are holding his stuff until some-such-crap-thing is done/given to them. He swears they are purposefully not letting him back because they've been out to get him from the start. He was yelling at me on the phone and saying he couldn't believe his daughter wouldn't drop everything and be by his side when he was hospitalized... and on and on. So I told him I'd take care of the rehab home situation. Which I did today, while at home with a sick toddler.. and ya know what? He made all that crap up. All of it. I talked to the rehab folks, several people with his insurance, his nurses, and my brother -- he made it all up. They never even talked to him about readmitting because it was just a given that he would return there after discharge, his possessions are in a secured lockbox because they didn't know how long his hospital stay would be, and as soon as he's discharged, he'll be transported back to the same place, same room, with the same team (lucky team. ha.). When I called to tell him all that, his answer -- "Oh, I know. But why haven't I been discharged yet? That's what you need to figure out. I know I have to go back to that *** hole." WTF?!?! A) That's the nicest freaking rehab place in town. Appreciate it. 
You seriously sent me on this wild phone spree searching down answers to this made up situation??! WHY!? I wanted to say, "*This*, dad, "stinks of retaliation". Ugh.
I am starting to get so fed up with how he is acting and how is treating people that are bending over backwards for him, and I am having a hard time reminding myself that he is going through hell and (I would hope) doesn't mean to act this way. But what do I do? My poor brother is working 2 jobs and come on, the kid is 20, he has to have some semblance of his own life.. but my dad makes him feel like an a-hole if he isn't at his side 24/7. My brother missed THIRTEEN calls from my dad in a 4 hour period at work.. and there was no emergency. It was just my dad being pissed off that my brother wasn't there.
What the heck do we do? Is there any other option outside of telling dad he can't act this way (which would NOT go over well)? I've offered to let my brother come stay here for a weekend to get away if he wants to, but he's afraid to because of my dad. I feel so bad for him. At least I have 150 miles distance from the situation...
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Re: I'm a PW today, but I have a WWYD about my dad...? (very long)
Is this typical behavior? Are these things that he would have said/done before his stroke? If not, are the drs. aware of the changed persona?
It's a tricky sitch, BeckO. You and your sibs have, essentially, been put into a parent role for your dad w/out the ability to speak to him as if you were his parent. That's a hard place to be in.
I was just w/ my grandmother this past week and I watched her adult children who are, in a way, going through the same thing. They have stepped into the caregiver role. I thought my aunt was pretty spot on when she said that she needs to be firm, but respectful w/ her mom. You're a great communicator, B, and I think that if you could just try to be as emotion free as possible (easily said, I know) but firm w/ your dad when he is making this stuff up, it would be helpful. Just stick to the facts and leave the emotion out of it. If he ends up saying things that hurt you, don't react and just call up one of your girls to vent.
I wonder if you could have one contact person at the rehab facility- a social worker, maybe? So that if something like this happened again, you would have a point person rather than having to call everyone and their cousin's mom.
MC, after the number of calls I made today, I asked that I have a point of contact established at the rehab for situations like this in the future. The med director was going to talk to one of the nursing coordinators to get someone "assigned" to me. That should help.
I think we are going to try and make a trip next weekend and while I'm there I am going to talk to my dad about everything... I just need to figure out my approach. We still have MONTHS of rehab, at least, ahead of us/him, and beyond that, we have no idea how much mobility/independence he'll ever regain. We need to establish what his and our expectations are moving forward.. all of his kids have their own lives and obligations, and we all want to be there for him as much we can, but he has to be realistic, and that is where the problem lies right now.
As far as this being typical behavior? To this degree, no. Pre-stroke, he had a short temper, yes, but I have never seen him be so hateful or manipulative. I have never seen him bold-face lie about things, make up stories.. etc. When his nurse calls me in the morning, I plan to ask her about these personality changes. Lord I hope they aren't permanent.
In the very beginning (like week one), his ICU doctors wanted to start him on anxiety meds and he refused. He is very skeptical of new drugs and even took a lot of convincing to get him to agree to the (life-saving!!!) post-stroke drugs. I think getting him on any type of mood-altering drugs would be a hard hard battle, but probably worth the fight. I really wish he would talk to a counselor, as the home has offered, but so far he won't. I don't want to lay any ultimatums, but if this trend continues, I may have to say something to the effect of- talk to someone about what this event has done to you/your life, take some pills to help you cope, or we can't be around. Seems harsh.. but when I have a small child to worry about (who he begs me to bring up there), I cannot be in a situation where he is volatile all the time.
The O'Baby Blog
Sounds to me like depression. As I recall he is still pretty young, and its got to be so hard/frustrating to be in a nursing home and in his physical condition. I would visit with his doctor or other available resources there (social worker, therapist) and see what advice they might offer. I'm sure they have dealt with this many times. Your dad is going through a tough time and probably deserves a little leeway, but that doesn't mean you or your siblings need to put up with behavior this bad.
Ditto pp that personality changes can be an outcome of a stroke. Also stroke pts tend to have high rates of depression which it sounds like he has. I would strongly push the counselor as well as the possibility of an antidepressant. I know that is all easier said than done when you are dealing with someone who refuses these things. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you all.
Ditto. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be put in a position where you are now the caretaker of a parent, though I've seen this happen many times over in my own extended family. It seems to me that what MC stated has been very important in helping the caretakers get through the initial difficulties of taking care of a parent. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your father!
Just wanted to say that I am really sorry and I hope this is a temporary attitude for your dad. I think you are smart to talk to his doctors about the mood changes / paranoia. When my dad had quintuple bypass 1.5 years ago, there were some definite mental changes after the prolonged anesthesia, but he's slowly getting back to being himself. I think one of the best things for my dad was that he was taking a pain medication that has the convenient side effect of being an anti-depressant (or it could be the other way around, but for my dad, it was intended to help manage pain). That was a lifesaver since my dad is prone to depression anyway.
My dad said and did some totally irrational things after his surgery and came up with all kinds of silly theories. As time passes, I think part of it is just increasing old-fart-ishness, but another part of it is a neurological side effect to his long surgery. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but figuring out the source of the acting out was tricky for us in some cases (like, is he changed? Or is this just the trauma talking?). My dad likes to keep busy and I think that having too much time on his hands made things worse for him. He was so much more happy when he could get back into a regular pattern - checking email, walking outside, working, etc.
Since it sounds like you need it, this story might make you laugh. At some point maybe two months after his surgery, my dad voiced the idea that he should go hang out shirtless near the donut case of his local Randall's so that other corpulent people would be scared straight by his big chest scar. He really thought it would be quite the PSA for lowering cholesterol. Ummmmmm, yeah. I remember saying to him, "And do you plan on being shirtless in your mug shot as well?"
I'm sorry. That's hard. Since this is atypical behavior from your dad - I would talk to the doctors. That type of personality change is not normal - and there may be an underlying medical reason. We had something happen w/ my FIL and thought he'd had a stroke. Turned out to be a UTI. Something as small as a UTI in older folks can manifest in very strange symptoms. So, really best to talk to the docs about it. And if physically all is ok, maybe there is a med they could recommend to help him psychologically if the issue is something different.
Hang in there. I know this all must be so hard. Hugs!
I don't have the time to read through all the other responses but I'm going to keep this quick.
- You know I'm there for you guys. I know this sucks and I think of your Dad and wish him better health everyday.
- Your brother is doing an amazing job. At 20, I don't think I would have had the wherewithall to step in this kind of responsibility. Please make sure he hears this.
- It definitely sounds like he is depressed and if there is anything the doctors can do for him it is worth the effort to try and get his meds altered. I know your Dad can be stubborn but I would keep pushing on this.
- Try and establish a schedule. At the very least for your brother. It would be a lot easier for your Dad if he knew *at least* when to expect people to be visiting him. And it would make the unexpected visits a lot more sweet. Get your family schedule to the rehab facility - the nurses & workers can help hype up when visits are coming and hopefully use that to their advantage. I understand that he is probably lonely & scared but as important as it is for him to have family/support with him, it is equally important for him to learn to be alone and work through his rehab.
HUGS.
i didnt read all the responses, so forgive me if i'm repeating.
first, i am so, so sorry that youre having a hard time. i cant imagine how hard it is to be dealing with all this.
second, i would for sure find out about his meds from his doctor. something like ativan might be something to ask about, to take off the edge for him and make him just a bit calmer. see if your dad is willing to do two weeks of it and reevaluate then if he feels any positive changes. do you have medical power of attorney that theyre allowed to talk about that stuff with you if he's not present?
third, for sure contact the social worker at the facility. be sure that they know this isnt his typical behavior. if anything, it will make them a little more patient with him, as opposed to them assuming he's just a jerk. the social workers at nursing facilities are often hard to get ahold of, but if you reach out to her and ask what you can do to better support your dad, she might have some great ideas. when are his care plan meetings? are yall able to have a sibling attend those? is there an aide or nurse that he gets along with better than the others that you could ask to be assigned to him when possible? does he go to any activities to keep him social or does he stay in his room most of the time? how does he spend his time in his room? is he able to read, either a book or book on tape? does he have movies to watch or music to listen to? any activities to keep him busy and feeling "normal" would be great for his mood if he is depressed.
could you split up the days you talk to him? like you designate certain days of the week that another sibling deals with it and you get a break? do yall have designated roles so youre not overlapping each other?
TTC #1 since February 2011
BFP #1 1/14/12 EDD 9/24/12 m/c at 8w4d on 2/20/12
March 2012- Dx with PCOS, started metformin
July 2012- SA completely normal