Why can't I let this go? — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Why can't I let this go?

My cousin has been my bff  but lately she is really getting to me. She left her husband 3 years ago and the divorce will be final 2 years ago in October. She was my MOH in my wedding and did nothing to help, she sulked the entire time. Since I too have been divorced I just thought, she isn't ready for this, and I didn't say anything. But now her sister is getting married and she is so excited. She asked me if I was excited I replied "well i'm excited for her, but i'm not excited" she just badgered me "why aren't you  excited?" I replied "Its not my wedding, I'm not in the wedding, but like I said I'm excited for her". I was a little hurt that she was consumed with self pity during my wedding but overjoyed for her sisters. I didn't say anything until we were at BRU and I got so excited about something I found, she said "this isn't my type of store, I'm trying to be very patient, this store makes me sad" then she walked to the craft store next door without telling me she was leaving. I later asked her about why it made her sad and she started in on the whole "poor me poor me" thing. I then explained (very kindly) that she was hurting my feelings that she refuses to share in any of my excitement when we've been friends for so long but that she gets mad at me if I'm not jumping up and down for her sister.

We had a long talk and I explained to her that she would eventually meet a good guy and have a family. She explained to me that she isn't ready to be excited for me, she said "maybe if your wedding was 6 months later I would have been excited for you, but it wasn't and no one asked me if it was alright that you had a baby" then she proceded to call me selfish because "its always about EB's perfect life" She also told me she wasn't going to be fake about it, then eventually she apologized for not showing any excitement. BUT then she said "well arent' you going to say your sorry" I just looked at her like wth? and she said "aren't you sorry that I'm hurting" I said of course I am but 3 years later, you should at least be at a point where you can accept that good things are happening for other people.

It may not sound like it but it actually was a good talk, it ended well and I feel like we both expressed our feelings. But I'm still completely confused about how she could call me selfish and in the same breath say that no one asked her if it was ok for us to have baby? I'm going to see her again in a couple of days and while the conversation ended well, I can't stop thinking about how "selfish" I am according to her.I'm in complete disbelief. Why is this bothering me this bad?

Re: Why can't I let this go?

  • image e_delo:

    "maybe if your wedding was 6 months later I would have been excited for you, but it wasn't and no one asked me if it was alright that you had a baby" 

    It's probably bothering you for a couple reasons.  One, the above statement has got to be one of the most selfish comments I've heard.  It is none of her business whether you have a baby or not.  Why would she even think somebody would run that decision by her?  Unless you're part of the baby-making team, you don't get a say!  Two, your hormones make everything worse.  I know I'm way more irritable pregnant (and especially towards the end of the 3rd trimester) than I am even when I'm PMSing.  Our bodies do crazy things to us and we forget how to think rationally lol.  But seriously, your cousin is being ridiculous.  Like you said, it has been 3 years.  I've never been divorced, so I'm not saying she has to be 100% over it after 3 years, but she should at least be able to accept that others are going to keep living and the world doesn't stop because she's having a pity party still. 

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  • image e_delo:

    It may not sound like it but it actually was a good talk, it ended well and I feel like we both expressed our feelings. But I'm still completely confused about how she could call me selfish and in the same breath say that no one asked her if it was ok for us to have baby? I'm going to see her again in a couple of days and while the conversation ended well, I can't stop thinking about how "selfish" I am according to her.I'm in complete disbelief. Why is this bothering me this bad?

    Because she shouldn't be the one to dictate your life.  It really hurts to have someone so close be so negative about a time that is so exciting in your life. 

    I thought my BFF would have been happier for us when we announced our pregnancy instead of playing the 'poor me' tune (she feels that everyone is married and having babies and she hasn't even gotten a ring yet).  She is now to the point that she is super excited but it wasn't easy to begin with.  
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  • With regards to your wedding, I'm assuming it took place around the time of her divorce. I think she gets a pass on that one. It had to be a very conflicting time for her. You don't need to be upset that she's happy about her sister getting married. It's been two years since her divorce. She has a different perspective now. As for the baby comments, she's being a big baby. I'm sure it stems from jealousy that her picture perfect plans of having a successful marriage and family didn't work out. Her sister is getting married, and you are having a baby. The people closest to her are at places it sounds like she wishes she was. That doesn't excuse her behavior though, but I'm just trying to add some perspective. Bottom line is that you need to let go of your resentment over your wedding, and she just needs to get over herself all together.
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  • image Brandi Bee:
    Have a little empathy.  Divorce is a loss and she was grieving.  Of course she's a lot better now.

    This. Many people forget that divorce is hard. And weddings close to the time of the divorce often reinforce that.

    I don't know, but it sounds like you both need to share in / empathize with / celebrate / commiserate  what's going on in the other's life --- otherwise it's one celebrating and the other sulking. 

    The comment about permission to have a baby is weird, but I'm guessing there was some sort of misunderstanding there.  

    IVF #1 - DD born 2011 FET #1-3 all BFN IVF#2- BFP! EDD Nov. 3, 2014 1st US - March 28
  • I think your friend is just being selfish, jealous, and immature. 

    During the wedding, if she didn't feel up to the role of MOH due to her recent divorce, she could have bowed out gracefully.  As far as the BRU incident, she sounds like she was looking for a pity party to be thrown for her. 

    She needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around her - which sounds like it's how she's seeing the picture.  Your wedding was held when you and your DH decided to have it - it was her choice to be in the wedding. She didn't have to if she didn't feel comfortable with it.  You and your DH having a baby is a decision that y'all made together - she was not involved in the baby-making process, so she doesn't get to be consulted on whether it's okay for y'all to have a baby or not. 

    People get divorced, married, and have babies every day - it's part of life.  Not everything in life is going to be sunshine and rainbows - for example, her divorce.  She needs to realize this, get on with her life, and quit being so petty and jealous of those who have better situations than she has currently. 

    As far as why it's bothering you so badly, it's probably because if she's truly your "bff", she should be happy for you no matter what her circumstances are.  True friends support each other through the happy moments and the sad moments... and it sounds like she's not holding up her end of the bargain because she's jealous.

     So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me "Mom"

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  • She seems to have a plethora of issues that you won't be able to help her with, unless you happen to be a professional therapist.

    Just smile and nod, smile and nod...

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  • You felt like it was a good talk because you care about her and you want things to be good between the two of you.  Regardless, she is not the person you need her to be.  You are making all of the effort, but your relationship should not be a one-way street.  Her actions toward you show that she is jealous of you.  That is not going to change even as things get better for her.  It may lessen, but it will always be there.  She has shown she is capable of being happy for others; she has done so with her sister.  I had a friend who experienced a rough breakup and treated me similarly to the way your cousin is treating you.  I excused his behavior for years until I realized that he didn't throw his pity parties around everyone; just me.  He always acted like I should feel bad whenever something good happened to me; like I hadn't done anything to deserve being happy.  I later found out he was spreading rumors about me, and I lost several friends because of him.  This is not worth your time.


  • Thanks girls. I thought jealously may have played a part but I have never considered myself or my life something anyone would be jealous of. She is the youngest of 3 children and has always had everything handed to her. Me, on the other hand, have always had to work for anything I've ever had and will have, but it made me grow up and made me appreciate the little things. She never had to learn how to do that. I think that maybe we're at a place where I can't expect any good emotions from her and may need to take a time out until her life is what she thinks it should be. Thank you again, you really helped take the stress off
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