Anyone TTCing before you're ready, due to age or DOR? (Warning -- vent-y)

vandelay · August 2011

I'm curious as to whether anyone's in the same boat as me. We are TTCing #2 (without medical intervention) right now even though we're so not ready for #2 yet, because at my age, if it doesn't happen now, it never will. (And it probably won't happen anyway at 42 and with DOR, but my 2 surprise pgs in 2009, the second of which gave us DD, have kindled this evil flicker of hope that won't go away).

My sister and I are 4 years apart, as are my niece and nephew. I always thought that was perfect, and it's what I wanted for my own family. But that was back when I was foolish enough to think that I had any say in the timing of building my family. Still, though, having just one toddler with both of us working and no local family to help is kicking.our.butts. And I'm not ready for Ivy not to be the baby anymore. And I'm still nursing her before bed. And we'd have to move because our house is too small for 2 kids.

Last month was the second month of the cycle described below:

Days 1-13 -- hoping I get pg this cycle; planning timing to coincide with likely O days

Days 13-20 or so -- still hopeful

Days 20-25 or 26 - due to random "symptoms" coupled with slightly late period, spend some period of time thinking I might be pg (pathetic at this stage in the game). Excited, but freaking the eff out. Completely. OMG, I'm not ready, I can't do this, poor Ivy, poor Mommy and Daddy, this is not the right time, this is NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Day 26 or 27 -- Get my period. And now I'm disappointed.

I just hate that one of the many things IF stole from me is the ability to choose my own timing. And it's probably moot anyway, since I'm probably delusional to think I can get pregnant again. Being old sucks.

kme930 · August 2011

More than anything, I just wanted to give you a big HUG! Stupid IF taking away our options.

howleyshell · August 2011

vandelay:
I just hate that one of the many things IF stole from me is the ability to choose my own timing.

Being old sucks.

I totally agree.

DOR gal here (3 eggs retrieved on our successful IVF cycle).

I weaned Dylan before I would have really liked to (at my RE and OB's recommendations) in order to TTC again. I'd planned to do it at 6 months and when the time came I cried like a baby. It didn't make sense to take something away from the first one in order to try for a 2nd one that the RE said we'd likely never have.

Then DH wanted to try on our own for 6 months before trying one last IVF and then closing the TTC chapter for good regardless of the outcome. We fought like cats and dogs. I didn't feel like I had 6 months to waste on sex. I wanted another IVF like an addict wants a hit.

And.... we conceived #2 when #1 was exactly the same age your Ivy is now.

And... When I saw those 2 lines I dropped to my knees, scooped him into my arms and rocked him sobbing over and over again: "What have I done to you?"

I was crushed.

It felt all wrong.

I'd gotten my wish come true - and without meds - and all I could think about was the stress it was going to put on the child I knew and loved, on me and on my marriage.

I think the mix of emotions is totally normal.

It sucks that the decision is taken out of our hands.

And I'm sorry for your BFN disappointment.

It's a complicated thing to process for sure.

queenbone · August 2011

Yes! I will go back to the RE next summer in the hopes that DS2 will be at least 2.25 when a new baby may arrive. But really, I'd prefer the same 3 yr spacing that I have between the first two. I just don't think I should risk it due to age. (I'd be 36 when I go to RE again and 37 when the baby is born if it works.)

That said, as soon as I get my AF again, which based upon my awful PMS symptoms should be any time now, I will start charting again. Not that I think anything will work, but I'd just like to keep track and know for sure what my body is and isn't doing. But I totally expect to have the exact same emotional roller coaster ride you described above. I'm not ready, but I'll take an easy pregnancy any chance I can get!

laura1 · August 2011

I am basically going through the same cycles as you...all the same thoughts, feelings, etc.

I didn't have DOR when TTC #1, but we did have some other issues. However, DOR runs in my family. My sister had secondary IF and only 3 eggs retrieved when she was 32 years old. My mom and dad tried for #3 when she was 34 yo, were unsuccessful for a year and stopped trying. My mom went through early menopause a couple of years later.

So we are trying for #3 now, mostly because I don't think we have the luxury of waiting a few years. I am not sure we had the luxury of waiting until DD turned a year old, but we did that anyways. I don't think I could have survived 3 under 3.

So I am like you - we are trying, getting excited to try, then during the 2ww, I freak out and wonder if we can even handle 3 - we just got the daycare situation settled, how to add another into the mix, etc. Then AF shows and I get sad.

Sorry to hijack your post, but I just wanted to tell you that we are living parallel lives right now...My AF just started yesterday (after 2 days of spotting, which I never have, and initially gave me some hope - implantation? - but now is making me even more nervous that I have DOR this time around).

Good luck to you!

Cajun_gal · August 2011

Yep, we started trying at 6 weeks pp because of DOR. I had 4 eggs retrieved during my IVF cycle. I got pregnant when DS1 was younger than DS2 is now... It was a huge shock, and it was hard to swallow. I had some of the same feelings Howley described. I did want my children close in age, but closer to 2 years apart than 1 year apart. With that said, I love that they'll be interested in the same things at the same time as they get older and should be pretty good playmates. Dylan does so great with his baby brother, hands him toys, pacifiers, etc. It's so sweet, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Now we're undecided on #3. It sucks because I am definitely not ready yet, but I also know that time is not on my side if I do indeed have DOR. It's so hard to have infertility (or possible infertility for me) play a role in decisions for your family.

DMD1029 · August 2011

I'm right there with you! I just turned 40 a few months ago and was dx with DOR for DS#1 (who is now 9 months old). I would really like to wait until he is 2 years old to start trying, or at least 1, and I know that's not really an option. Plus, we'd like to try naturally, at least for a little while, but who has time to do the deed these days?? I'm guessing that by Oct./Nov. we'll be back at the RE's for another round of natural IVF (no drugs and the only way that I got pg w #1; I only made 1 egg with regular IVF and the drugs made the quality horrible.)

wiscgirl95 · August 2011

ME!

IF and that's a giant IF we go for number 2 we are going to have to do it sooner than I would prefer. DH is already wanting to know when that's going to happen. After a very complicated, unpleasant pregnancy and delivery I need a little more time to heal (mentally and physically) before I can even consider another pregnancy. But at the same time I realize that the sooner I get in to the RE the better our chances of success IF we decide to go for #2.

I'll be 38 in November and I would prefer not to have to add DOR to our IF issues. Time is not on my side. I feel I'm being forced to make a decision I'm NOT ready to make.

((hugs)) to you. You'e not alone.

cheekyali · August 2011

Yes. We went back to RE when DS was 13 months. I am 11 weeks of now so they will be almost 22 months apart. If I didn't just turn 40 we would have waited another year. DH did not want to go back to RE this quickly but I knew it was now or never for me.

itsmevkb · August 2011

I'm actually really good with the spacing that our children have but do feel as though we are out of time now to have any more children. I'm turning 40 in October and since we have a frozen embryo we plan on doing a FET but I'm struggling to figure out a timeline for that. Ideally I would wait at least a year but then I think that if I do that and the FET doesn't work then we've shut the door on having any more children. It seems like we need to hurry up and do the FET so that if it doesn't work and we are devasted we still have some time to try on our own or pursue other options. But, I just had a baby and need a bit of a break from pregnancy. I can't have it both ways though and I hate that.

You're not alone in your feelings. Big hugs.

vandelay · August 2011

Thank you so much for your responses, ladies. Although it's good to know I'm alone, I hate that we're all going through/have gone through this. Hugs to all.

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Anyone TTCing before you're ready, due to age or DOR? (Warning -- vent-y)

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