DH Vent: He is no help at all! — The Bump
3rd Trimester

DH Vent: He is no help at all!

I don't think he realises we have a baby coming in 4-5 weeks.

We have a cabin in northern NM.  Its about 3 hours drive away.  While I love to spend time there in the summer, & have spent a good amount up there this year, I feel its time to stay a little closer to home now for obvious reasons.

DH is up there this weekend & I am ok with that.  The cabin is in a high fire danger area so he has worked hard this summer clearing the lot.  He wants to try go up again next & the following weekend & wants me to make it up with him at least next weekend.  He's pushing it IMO.  I told him I need to be home & that he should be too.  Not that I feel I am going to go into labor early (although thats always a possibility) I would like to stay home & get organised.

However, even if he stays home with me he doesn't help much.  He is great for taking care of 4 yr old DS & believe me I am very grateful for that but thats about it!  In addition to my job, I prepare our meals, grocery shop, laundry, clean & all the other household stuff.  His jobs include putting out the trash once a week, watering the yard (which I end up doing anyway because he forgets ), & maintenance on our cars. 

I have given him a few simple tasks with regard to the new baby & he has failed miserably - one was taking out DS1's baby carseat to clean it & make sure it is still up to regulation.  Never did it!  After about a month of me asking him to do it, I did it myself.

We had been using the cradle in our bedroom for sheet/towel storage for the past 4 years.  Finally on Tuesday night I cleaned it out, folded all the sheets & found a place for them on top of our closet which I can't reach without climbing a ladder.  I asked DH to do it as soon as he could.  The sheets are still on top of our dresser waiting to be put in the closet. 

And there are numerous little things like that never get done by DH that I have to end up doing myself.  Aside from his trips to the cabin he is not busy.  Most evenings he gets home from work earlier than I do & when I get home he is parked in front of the TV.  When I say something he starts pouting & sulking & says that he works hard all day & is entitled to relax in the evenings.  And I don't work?

I am so tired at the moment & all I want to do is get stuff in order so I can relax a little closer to my due date.  I don't think its too much to ask but somehow the few things I need him to help with seems to be too much for him to do.  Its driving me a bit crazy right now!

Re: DH Vent: He is no help at all!

  • make a list... dh told me he would do better if he had a list. i have a weekly chore chart with my things and his things. then he can see you are doing stuff as well. the rule is get your chores done anytime that day just as long as its before you go fo bed. 
    <a href="http://tinypic.com?ref=scgj02" target="_blank"><img src="http://i51.tinypic.com/scgj02.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>

    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt10d3b4.aspx[/img][/url]


    <a href="http://daisypath.com/"><img src="http://davf.daisypath.com/VQulm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Daisypath Anniversary tickers" /></a>
  • imagelreginaw87:
    make a list... dh told me he would do better if he had a list. i have a weekly chore chart with my things and his things. then he can see you are doing stuff as well. the rule is get your chores done anytime that day just as long as its before you go fo bed. 

    Thanks for the suggestion!

    I gave him a list about a month ago of the baby stuff I needed him to help with.  Not excessive - 4 things were on it!  Never did one thing but gave me plenty of eyerolls, sighs & b!tching when I asked how he was doing on it. 

    We did try a chore chart several years ago but it caused so many arguments we ended up letting it go!

  • Loading the player...
  • My DH is an immediate action type of guy.  If I ask him for help with something at the moment I need it done (with a flirty smile/etc), and when he is walking through the room, not already zoned in front of the TV or something, it'll get done.   I know if I gave him a list or asked him to do something "when he got the chance" I'd be waiting until hell froze over.  It's just he way he is, no fighting it!  

    I know it can be frustrating but I always try to remember the saying "you get more bees with honey than with vinegar", being sweet and flirty never hurt either- at the very least it can brighten both your days.     

        

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I usually have a list of things for DH to do. I give him a few things to do and then let him play video games for a while. Then I give him 1-2 more tasks to do in the evening. This way he doesn't feel like his whole weekend is filled with chores, and he gets to relax a bit himself. 
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/10ydmc0.jpg[/IMG][url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt11c201.aspx[/img][/url]
    <a href="http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/59884800.aspx"><img src="http://i44.tinypic.com/1zbvvdi.jpg" /></a>
  • I feel ya.  My husband does a few things around the house, but otherwise it's all me doing the cleaning and cooking.  Seems like whenever I ask him to do something it's like pulling teeth.  Also, he makes messes and I repeatedly tell him to please pick up after himself, esp after I've cleaned all day and he doesn't.  I have a four year old and I've always said I have two kids I end up cleaning up after, well soon to be 3.  Sometimes I think isn't he tired of me yelling constantly and would change a bit. but no.  He works about 10 hours a day, so when he comes home he grabs a beer and parks his ass on the couch for the night.  A lot of men just don't understand the emotional and physical part of being pregnant.  I've tried to explain, but he just doesn't get it.  Ughhh...
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
  • There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.
  • imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

  • imageTreasa:

    imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

    I think she's just providing a different perspective of how your DH may feel. My DH is far neater than I am. I do housework, but honestly, he sees things as being messy before I ever would and he does sometimes have to ask me to do certain tasks. I might be annoyed if he left me a to-do list and I have referred to him as "dad" in the past when he has approached me in a way I haven't liked about helping out around the house. What works better, is that we'll have days that we both clean. He'll be like "I'm going to vacuum, can you sweep?" or something like that - I've gotten better over the years and I am not as messy as I used to be!! 

  • Have you asked your doctor/midwife about traveling so far this late in pregnancy? I would use them as an excuse if you have to.
    imageimage
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I agree, there are lots of suggestions about lists and stuff.  My husband and I were in a similar boat.  I tend to want to get everything done "now" and he can go a month without doing something and it doesn't phase him, but would drive me nuts.

    Here's my suggestion and what seems to work.  I think you need to ask him to sit down and talk about it.  Ask him for HIS advice on the best way to help YOU with stuff and tell him you could really use the help - that you feel overwhelmed.  Maybe it's a list...maybe it's a deadline...maybe it's something else.  If he has his input on how he can help get things done it's more likely to get done.  Let him make that decision.

    While my DH still don't see eye to eye on how we tackle things I've found I've become more laid back on some things and he's been more involved than he used to be.

    Good luck!

    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagelincolngirl:
    imageTreasa:

    imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

    I think she's just providing a different perspective of how your DH may feel. My DH is far neater than I am. I do housework, but honestly, he sees things as being messy before I ever would and he does sometimes have to ask me to do certain tasks. I might be annoyed if he left me a to-do list and I have referred to him as "dad" in the past when he has approached me in a way I haven't liked about helping out around the house. What works better, is that we'll have days that we both clean. He'll be like "I'm going to vacuum, can you sweep?" or something like that - I've gotten better over the years and I am not as messy as I used to be!! 

    Its obvious I didn't make myself clear here.  I NEVER left him a list of things to be done!   We were talking about what else needed to be done for baby's arrival.  He said he wanted a baby monitor.  Its not something I care for so he agreed to research different types.  As I mentioned in my OP I asked him to take out the carseat from DS1 & also the PNP & to put up some shelving in the nursery. Yes I verbally asked him what I would like done, is that such a crime?  If I remember correctly he was actually the one to write the list & for all the good it did as he didn't do one thing off it.

    It seems from some of the replies here that I am in the wrong here.  Maybe I need to just suck it up, buy myself a doormat sign & continue to be walked all over!

  • imageTreasa:

    imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

    I have to admit that I agree with Kathiru. I am not saying that the women who posted treat their H's like children. I just think it's a shame that they HAVE to make lists for their H's in order to get them to do things. Yea, my H slacks and I do have to ask/tell him to do things, which I hate doing b/c it makes me feel like his mother. The idea of making him a list just seems so condescending, but I guess if it works....

    OP,  I hear you on the traveling thing. My H travels A LOT for work. He just got back from a long trip and I was seriously counting the hours b/c I feel pretty blah and b/c we have a toddler and I feel like I am just not being a good mom since I have no energy. He told me on his way home that he just booked another week away. I started crying and asked that he talk to me about these things b/c it's just too hard being so pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working 40 hours/week (I work from home and DS is with me 2 of those days).  He has vowed to not book anymore jobs. Ha!  I can't offer any solutions, but please know you aren't being ridiculous.

    ETA: I should add that my H is self-employed and doesn't NEED to go OOT for work. He can also work locally, which I would be totally cool with him doing until I have this baby. It's just when he is OOT that things get tough.

     

     

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    Go Phils!!
  • imageTreasa:
    imagelincolngirl:
    imageTreasa:

    imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

    I think she's just providing a different perspective of how your DH may feel. My DH is far neater than I am. I do housework, but honestly, he sees things as being messy before I ever would and he does sometimes have to ask me to do certain tasks. I might be annoyed if he left me a to-do list and I have referred to him as "dad" in the past when he has approached me in a way I haven't liked about helping out around the house. What works better, is that we'll have days that we both clean. He'll be like "I'm going to vacuum, can you sweep?" or something like that - I've gotten better over the years and I am not as messy as I used to be!! 

    Its obvious I didn't make myself clear here.  I NEVER left him a list of things to be done!   We were talking about what else needed to be done for baby's arrival.  He said he wanted a baby monitor.  Its not something I care for so he agreed to research different types.  As I mentioned in my OP I asked him to take out the carseat from DS1 & also the PNP & to put up some shelving in the nursery. Yes I verbally asked him what I would like done, is that such a crime?  If I remember correctly he was actually the one to write the list & for all the good it did as he didn't do one thing off it.

    It seems from some of the replies here that I am in the wrong here.  Maybe I need to just suck it up, buy myself a doormat sign & continue to be walked all over!

    I think she may be referring to the suggestions offered in the replies. I don't think she is saying that you specifically left him lists. It sounds like she is advising you to not take that advice.

     

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    Go Phils!!
  • imageSailorGray:
    imageTreasa:
    imagelincolngirl:
    imageTreasa:

    imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    I do not treat him like a child.  You've got some nerve coming on here with 1 post to your name & even suggesting that!

    I think she's just providing a different perspective of how your DH may feel. My DH is far neater than I am. I do housework, but honestly, he sees things as being messy before I ever would and he does sometimes have to ask me to do certain tasks. I might be annoyed if he left me a to-do list and I have referred to him as "dad" in the past when he has approached me in a way I haven't liked about helping out around the house. What works better, is that we'll have days that we both clean. He'll be like "I'm going to vacuum, can you sweep?" or something like that - I've gotten better over the years and I am not as messy as I used to be!! 

    Its obvious I didn't make myself clear here.  I NEVER left him a list of things to be done!   We were talking about what else needed to be done for baby's arrival.  He said he wanted a baby monitor.  Its not something I care for so he agreed to research different types.  As I mentioned in my OP I asked him to take out the carseat from DS1 & also the PNP & to put up some shelving in the nursery. Yes I verbally asked him what I would like done, is that such a crime?  If I remember correctly he was actually the one to write the list & for all the good it did as he didn't do one thing off it.

    It seems from some of the replies here that I am in the wrong here.  Maybe I need to just suck it up, buy myself a doormat sign & continue to be walked all over!

    I think she may be referring to the suggestions offered in the replies. I don't think she is saying that you specifically left him lists. It sounds like she is advising you to not take that advice.

     

    exactly. Just giving different perspectives b/c something is obviously not working communication wise, and no one answer is going to be the correct answer for everyone. We don't know your hubby, so we don't know if a to-do list, or what will help. But sometimes it's nice to get different ideas and to think about why your hubby isn't helping out and what different ways you might approach it. 

  • I would take everything...towels, carseat...and stick it all in his car.  Eventually he will need to clean it out and do something with it.
    -Jill Brokering BabyFetus Ticker
  • imagekathiru:
    There are a lot of suggestions about lists and chore charts on here.  While I understand you're frustrated, I would sugguest not treating your DH like your child.  I personally would never leave my DH a list of chores or create a chore chart for no other reason than if he had the audacity to leave me a list of things to do I would be highly insulted.  Whether you think he is acting like it or not, remember, he is an adult and treating him like a child probably won't encourage him to act more like an adult.

    DH and I have lists all the time. You don't have to hand him a list of his "chores", but you can sit down together, discuss everything that needs to be done, and who should be doing what. I do still have to remind my DH because he tends to put things off, and he will act put out when I remind him but I don't really care. I do a lot of work around here and I need him to contribute, period.

    ETA: We make lists because it helps us BOTH keep track of what needs to be done, and we make the lists together.

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Keshias Birthday 2012 046edit
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards