Lurker question..
karleegirl
member
I'm 33 so I don't "officially" belong here but I lurk here some because I feel I have more in common with a lot of posters here than on 1st tri.So I hope you guys don't mind me interrupting and asking a question.
I have noticed some of you ladies have older children as well as little ones. I have a 16yr old son from a previous relationship. Dh and I have a 4 yr old together and one on the way. Older ds was 11 when I got pregnant with my last child. He did fine with his little brother and loves him a lot now. So when I told him I was pregnant this time around he was very angry. He was worried that we would have to move (nope), he would have to share a bedroom (no again), and that a new baby would stress everyone out (maybe). I reassurred him that life might get a little stressed and we would all change some, but we would try to keep his life as normal as possible. He has spent much of the summer at his Dad's and when he is home he is distant.(This is different for him, but I also know he is growing up). After the initial conversation he has said nothing else about the pregnancy. I have just let him have space. But school will be starting back in 2 weeks and he will be home 80% of the time.
So my question for your ladies with older children is how have your children done with the addition to your families and do you have any further advice on how to deal with the situation?
Re: Lurker question..
It might take him a little bit of time to adjust. He ran away to NOT think about it by going to his Dad's. Now he is back and it is staring him in the face. Its hard for him to imagine a sibling at this age coming into the picture once again. Before he was younger, in middle school when it is still happening to some of his friends. And it was not as embarrassing having a pregnant Mom.Now he is in High School and few if any of his friends have a Mom that is pregnant. To him it might seem embarrassing. Reassure him that
1. He is loved and always will be.
2. of the other stuff as well.
Then wait for him to come around.
My son was irritated when he learned DH and I were trying to conceive.
He's 19 and on his own, and when we told him he began to cry (unlike him, and he could not explain why or even if it was happy or mad tears). This was back in June. He's not asked at all about the baby beyond gender questions. When we were having a health/scare he never showed an interest. Yesterday, however (a month and change later) he posted on his FB page, "I'm going to be a big-brother!" He's still not come to me directly with any baby-happy type stuff, but I suspect how we've been handling things with him (I'll give you the same advice in a minute) is chipping away at some of the reservations.
I think your son's reaction (largely how it will affect him) is right on course for his age. I think, too, it isn't all that unusual when there is a split/new/multi family dynamic. Since his first reaction was how this was all going to change his life (in his eyes sacrifices that he'd have to make though he had no say in the situation) that you can enforce and encourage that life will go on as much as norm as possible. Be realistic about how it will interrupt/stress things, but with the emphasis that it is temporary. Be clear with him how he might be more in demand to help this time around since he's older, but then highlight the extra independence and freedoms his age (and his responsibility) bring him. Don't talk too much or every time you see him about the pregnancy or baby. It doesn't mean you can't ever bring it up, but he's not in that place yet. Keep it brief, informative to a degree, but not daily, not during alone-time that's meant to be dedicated to him, and certainly not during any kind of "grow up" type talks that are sometimes frequent during 16, LOL.
I'd also make a concerted effort to do a lot of him-centered time together on a weekly basis, leading up to the birth of the baby, and then to make sure it didn't disappear completely once your baby arrives and your time is tighter.