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December 2011 Moms
NeubieMom
member
My First Drama Mama Post (loooong)
NeubieMom
member
Hi Ladies. Let me start off by saying sorry for how-God-awful long this is, but I really need some unbiased advice on what to do about my SIL and see if I'm the one who's being out of line here.
First, I told her we were having a baby girl, she said "Congrats. We're selling (our girls') clothes at a garage sale next week and you should come buy some." I thought it was sort of weird for her to offer a family member to purchase her hand-me-downs, but when I responded with "Thanks so much for the offer! But I promised myself I'd hold of on buying clothes until after the shower 
" she said, "Whatever. I just thought it would be special for you to have your niece's old baby clothes."
I was fairly taken aback by this. Is it the norm to sell hand-me-downs to family members, or just give them away? Before I respond to her I want to make sure I'm not acting crazy or petty.
Second thing that sprang from this conversation (and this is what I'm having the MOST trouble with) is a couple months ago she offered to host my baby shower. I told her that was very sweet and that I would be honored to have her host it and that I was very thankful (this came as a complete shock to me, btw, as she's been pretty passive aggressive and mean to me since my and DH's wedding over a year ago).
After I mention not buying clothes until after the shower, she said "By the way, has anyone else offered to host a baby shower for you, or do you still need me to do it?"
"No no else has offered. Are you still able to or did something come up?"
"No I still can. we need to plan a date soon though because fall is a really busy time for me and I'm already hosting a best friend's bridal shower in Kansas City around the time you wanted your shower. How many people do you want to invite so I know what I'm working with?"
"25-30."
"Wow. That's a lot of people. I've never been to a baby shower that big, so we'll have to see what I can do."
At this point I'm completely turned off by the idea of her hosting my shower, and I'd honestly rather have no shower at all than have her host one if she's going to treat it like it's this huge favor for me and it's such a burden for her. I want to tell her no hard feelings if she's too busy to host my shower, but I'm concerned about the sh*t show that may create, as she's been known to make everybody in the family fairly miserable when she feels offended or slighted.
Please ladies, what do I do? The more I think about this woman hosting a shower for me the more tightly wound up I get. Or do you think it would be better to play the "ignorance is bliss" card and act like I'm not even noticing how put off she seems by the whole idea for the sake of civility?
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Re: My First Drama Mama Post (loooong)
1) I definitely think it's a little odd for her to want to sell you her hand-me-downs. My brother had a yard sale about a month ago, which I went to help him with, and he was just putting things in my car (no clothes because we don't know sex, but floor play mats, breastfeeding pillows, etc) - and told me I could have anything else that they are no longer using and that is still in good condition.
2) Is it possible to have a conversation about how turned off you were with your mother or MIL, and maybe one of them could host the shower, and then you can just tell her someone else offered to host it and be done with it? If she's sounding so burdened by it now, who knows if she'll flake on it when it comes time to actually plan...
I think she is clearly not a rational person. She should be giving you the clothes, not selling them to you. That is just plain mean. How much can you really get for used baby clothes at a yard sale? 1 or 2 dollars an item.
The stuff about the shower, especially her saying that she has never been to a baby shower that big!! That sounds like she is cheap and doesn't want to have to pay for food for that many people. 25-30 people is not unreasonable.
That being said, if you dont have anyone else offer to throw you one let her do the shower and just play the ignorance card.
1) I do think that it is a bit strange that she didn't offer to give you at least some of the clothes but you also can't go up to her and demand that she give you something. She may need the money she could get from selling the clothes, you never know. So while I think that while it is slightly strange she didn't offer, the fact remains that they are her clothes and she can do whatever she wants to with them, including selling them. It sounds like if you want them, you are going to have to buy them.
2) The thing with hosting a shower is that you should ask the person who offered how many people she could afford to host. It sounds like your SIL can't afford to host as many people as you intended to invite. If you would prefer she not host your shower, I would politely decline the shower, telling her that you know she is busy in the fall with planning another shower and you don't want to be a burden on her. If she still offers to throw it, then you will probably just have to work with her on it.
This. She sounds like a real gem. Family should not tell you to BUY their used baby clothes and then act offended when you turn down the offer.
I think the first part of the problem is that the clothes were never intended as "hand-me-downs."
She was always going to sell them and you just happened to find out the sex of your child before she got the opportunity. She therefor felt obligated to mention them to you, but only in the context that you were not better than any one else off the street and you should come buy them too.
It wasn't so much that she was offering you clothes, but that she was alerting you to a sale - this one isn't at Babies R Us; it's in her driveway.
You are correct - no one sells hand-me-downs.
Second, technically the baby shower is a "favor" to you. No one is obligated to throw you one; it's a gift... but that's not really the impression I think you were trying to convey. If I understand correctly, you just don't want the drama of the SIL?
I don't think it's fair to question whether 25-30 people is a lot for a baby shower. Everyone has a different opinion based on culture, location, family size, etc.
The only thing I think you could have done better was to turn the question back around on her and ask, "How many people are you able to host?" Then the ball is in her court. (I don't know what her financial situation is or how elaborate she is planning on going with this shower.)
As to how you play it, I don't really have an opinion on which is better.
I think you need to get a guest list number from her; otherwise, you're being rude inviting 30 people when she's already said that's too many. (I wouldn't play "ignorance is bliss" on this specific issue.)
If you're getting "more tightly wound up" thinking of her hosting a shower, I think it's best for you (and Baby) to respectfully decline.
Good luck either way...
She doesn't sound like SIL of the year.
I agree with this. Maybe that's just too much for her to afford and I can understand that. Maybe try to suggest others who can help her host as a middle ground? Or just do a shower with light snacks instead?
As far as the clothes go, I do find it a little odd that she wouldn't offer some of them to you, but maybe she needs the money, who knows.
I'd just ignore her last statement about the baby clothes. Saying you should think it's special to have your niece's clothes but also wanting you to pay for them is weird. (And for what it's worth, I appreciated using my nephew's clothes, but I didn't feel like it was "special" in some way. I would have felt differently about a christening outfit or something, but it sounds like we're talking about run of the mill baby clothes here.)
As for the shower, it sounds like she doesn't really want to host. I'd let her out of the obligation. If someone else offers to host and asks how many people you want to invite, I would suggest turning the question around and asking how many people they are willing to host. The host should really get to decide how many people to invite, whether it's 5, 50, or 500.
1 - I personally think it's odd that she wants to sell you the clothes. I hate dealing with $$ things with in laws. My SIL would do this, but they try to make a dollar on everything (someone at church gave them their old perfectly working washer and dryer - they thought they were going to need it, but ended up not needing it. So they sold it on CL. Me and FIL were appalled.)
2 - 20-25 people is a LOT of people? (I don't think I've ever been to one that has had less..)
Do you have anyone else that would be willing to throw you a shower? If you live anywhere near San Antonio, TX. I'll host it for you! (lol)
I would be frustrated with the whole thing. I'd talk to her and just be honest about your feelings (well not 100% honest. lol) I would just ask her if she is really up to giving the shower, you don't want her to feel obligated, and if it's something she doesn't really want to do that you completely understand (and then you have to get over any feelings her answer may cause)
Mark 14:52
That sounds terrible... all of it!
It's most definitely weird that she's trying to sell you your niece's old clothes. And kind of greedy and cold. Where's your husband on all of this? I think if my SIL did something like that, he'd be the first to ask her what her problem was.
Second, the last thing you want for your own shower is to be stressed out and feeling like a burden. I experienced something similar with my bridal shower and it really just made me hate the day and resent the person who threw it for me for making me feel that way. It will be much better if you politely decline and tell her she seems to have a lot on her plate and that you don't want to burden her. Plus - 25 people is a lot? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Good luck!!!!
This exactly. The fact she thought it would be "special" to wear her kid's clothes shows she's already a bit crazy in the head. It's baby clothes, who cares where they come from and if you have to BUY them then it's no more special than having your child wear clothes sold from down the street.
For the baby shower, I would say it's up to you who you want to invite. You shouldn't have to NOT invite a close friend or family member because your SIL is upset. If she cannot afford, or does not want, to host the shower then let her out of it. If a full meal for 25-30 people is too expensive, do refreshments and desserts. Because DH and I only go home once a year (and will miss Christmas this year) we are having a huge baby shower. To cut costs we are doing finger foods and refreshments. This way we see our best friends and family, but do not break the bank.
1) The clothes thing is weird- just let it go. Don't respond to her last statement. If she brings it up again, just thank her for thinking of you and repeat that you are waiting to buy clothes. ( Don't mention "shower" in that conversation).
2) For the shower, it sounds like it would be best to relieve her of that duty since she is so busy planning a bridal shower. That is a lot for one person to do in the same month/season. Instead, line up someone else (your mom, sister or whomever). Go to your sister in law and say something like "that was so kind of you to offer to host a baby shower for me. Are you still up for doing it even with BFF's shower to plan? Because (So and So) has offered to host as well, and I was wondering if you would like to share the duties with her." This offers her a guilt-free way to back out of throwing the shower, but allows her to stay involved if she would like to be, and it shows that you are being caring and reasonable. You could have the conversation with your mother in law first to test the waters. "It was so sweet of sister in law to offer to host a baby shower. I hope that she isn't stretched too thinly between the two showers. My (mother/sister/whomever) has also offered to host and I was thinking maybe they could share the duties....etc etc etc. What do you think?"
Just remember: You are not responsible for her actions or reactions. Do not take that burden upon your self.
I have never heard of anyone charging for hand-me-downs.
As for the baby shower, do not play the "ignorance is bliss" card as it will only make the relationship more strained. If she is anything like my future SIL, which it sounds like she may be, she will hold it over you and constantly draw attention to herself for doing this or that for you.
This is all great advice you guys. Thank you so much!
I've decided it is best to just let the baby clothes thing go and not worry about the down-right awkwardness of the situation. I would never expect her, or anyone else for that matter, to offer me their old baby clothes, but I'm not going to buy them from her and let her make me feel bad for not doing so.
And I agree it would have been better to ask how many she was able to host before I gave her a rough estimate of how many people I was thinking of inviting. I will for sure do that instead if someone else offers to throw me a shower, because I've decided that it would be best to say, "I've realized that you're really busy and have a lot of obligations going on around the time my shower would be. I would want you to have as much fun giving the gift of a shower as I would receiving it, so I think it would be better if you got to relax and come to the shower and let loose as a guest...." Relieve her of the "obligation" tactfully.
Aaaaahhhh...I already feel better thinking about her being involved in my pregnancy as little as possible. I've never had a member in my family who's so nasty before, so I'm still adjusting
Thanks everyone!