Personal...bedroom question...shhhhh....

Our day will come · July 2011

Okay, I lurk here much more often then I post...and maybe it is the wine that has gotten to me this evening but I'm feeling a little brave, so I have to ask. Let me preface my question by providing the following true life scenario...

DH and I are 30 somethings, first time parents of twins...he works a demanding job and I quit mine about four months ago (to stay home with the little ones). We lost our first babe and with my high risk pregnancy we didn't have sex very much because we had a couple of scares during the pregnancy. Then after delivery, I had the whole healing time and with BFing it was too painful when we did try. Okay, fast forward to today. Our LOs will be one before long...and I can seriously count on both hands (okay and maybe a few of toes) how many times we have had the...well...what got us into the whole baby thing in the first place.

So my question is this...are we normal? Are we doomed to break up? I feel like we have to schedule sexy time, and by the time I or we do, well we are so exhausted it is no longer fun...more out of routine or a thought of it has been too long, we need to do this. Any one else in my boat or are we lost at sea? Excuse all of the puns, I'm kinda a cornball.

TIA!!

hawkins79 · July 2011

I'll be brave too...you sound normal to me.

nancy30005 · July 2011

Very, VERY normal to me!
At least you can count on BOTH hands.

You will not break up, babe. Hang in there. I could've written this post (except for the twins; congrats, btw!)

I will join you in the libation and possibly initiate something myself now that DS is asleep.

Good luck!

SnoopyLuv · July 2011

No, you're not normal, IMO. You need to make it a priority. Some people do need to schedule it in order to keep it going. IMO sex is the glue of a loving relationship.

Now that my babe is STTN, I make it a point to "attack" DH once a week once he's gone to bed and I go to bed after him. It makes it spontaneous and awesome and he doesn't mind being woken up for it.

I really think you need to take some time for yourselves, even if it's dropping off the kids for date night and going back to your own house.

inluvwitcowboy · July 2011

I think you are pretty normal. I have only one baby and you have two! So I imagine that you are pretty tired when you go to bed and would prefer sleeping to anything else. Here's something that really helped us make an effort; we have "Sunday funday". It may sound lame or corny, but on Sundays we have to make some lovin'....no matter what. And really it sometimes gets the ball rolling that it happens more than once a week. Try it. I dare you!

mbfirefly98 · July 2011

SnoopyLuv:

No, you're not normal, IMO. You need to make it a priority. Some people do need to schedule it in order to keep it going. IMO sex is the glue of a loving relationship.

Now that my babe is STTN, I make it a point to "attack" DH once a week once he's gone to bed and I go to bed after him. It makes it spontaneous and awesome and he doesn't mind being woken up for it.

I really think you need to take some time for yourselves, even if it's dropping off the kids for date night and going back to your own house.

I think you should know that you do fit in the normal side but that you would like to not be normal. I agree with this post that it is very important to a relationship to have this "adult time." You are not doomed just put it on your priority list! Once you do it won't feel so wierd! I dare you to go have some fun!

Genevieve_kris · July 2011

Totally normal. We go in spurts (and there was a loooong dry spurt after DD was born). It was almost like one night it just hit me that we needed to go for it. And the more you do it, the more you want to do it again. It's just the getting started part that can be a little tough. Once you get back into the swing of things, you'll wonder why you ever stopped.

Vermillionsss · July 2011

I'm going to have to go with not normal. (It's normal that you guys fell out of it, because everyone goes through ups and downs, but not normal to let it continue forever) Like PP said, sex is what holds a good marriage together.

Although I definitely don't always want to have sex, I say yes anyway about 95% of the time. Because, I ALWAYS enjoy myself and am glad I did afterwards. Intimacy is super important in a marriage, and I really do think people just kind of forget about it or get bored of it. For me, I am usually exhausted by the end of the day, and don't have the energy. But I push through it most of the time, because it really does need to be a priority.

The more you do it- scheduled or not- the more you will want to do it. As long as you both strive to make it good sex. Then, your husband, and what you want him to do to you, will constantly be on your mind.

ltate_8 · July 2011

Schedule it and make it a priority no matter how tired you are! There is nothing wrong with scheduling it! DH and I both work, and I am working on my Masters. If we didn't schedule it we still probably wouldn't have had the sexy time! It isn't always the sexy time, sometimes it is just us having a conversation that is not about work, school, or the LO.

KellyD01 · July 2011

As a fellow mom of twins... sorry PP's but this is normal.

I've done the singleton... looking back it was EASY to find time and energy for sex w/ one. Now with two... are you kidding me? Until you've gone through it you have no idea how demanding two babies 24 hours a day are. The important thing to remember OP is that this is a small portion of your life. As long as you and your DH are ok w/ it then it's ok. When you've be interrupted in the middle by a screaming baby... get her settled again... start up and then the other one starts flipping out... get her settled... get started AGAIN and either twin 1 or older child then wake up at that point the mood is gone... not to return again.

Now if your DH isn't ok with it I ask... is he giving you a 50/50 split when it comes to everything kid and house related... help makes a difference. If my DH sits on his rear all day and let's me do all kid related and house related things he's not getting ANYTHING that night... he learned that fast. If you're not ok w/ it but are too tired to change things same goes... are you asking DH for 50/50 split so that you aren't as tired? Those are the things to attempt to change first if one or both of you are unhappy w/ the current state of your bedroom relationship.

Good Luck.... and don't beat yourself up too much... multiples are rough!

MyPunkinPie · July 2011

KellyD01:

As a fellow mom of twins... sorry PP's but this is normal.

I've done the singleton... looking back it was EASY to find time and energy for sex w/ one. Now with two... are you kidding me? Until you've gone through it you have no idea how demanding two babies 24 hours a day are. The important thing to remember OP is that this is a small portion of your life. As long as you and your DH are ok w/ it then it's ok. When you've be interrupted in the middle by a screaming baby... get her settled again... start up and then the other one starts flipping out... get her settled... get started AGAIN and either twin 1 or older child then wake up at that point the mood is gone... not to return again.

Now if your DH isn't ok with it I ask... is he giving you a 50/50 split when it comes to everything kid and house related... help makes a difference. If my DH sits on his rear all day and let's me do all kid related and house related things he's not getting ANYTHING that night... he learned that fast. If you're not ok w/ it but are too tired to change things same goes... are you asking DH for 50/50 split so that you aren't as tired? Those are the things to attempt to change first if one or both of you are unhappy w/ the current state of your bedroom relationship.

Good Luck.... and don't beat yourself up too much... multiples are rough!

Great answer. Maybe OP should post this on the Multiples board too for better perspective.

avy930 · July 2011

I think it is totally normal to be exhausted and to have a dry spell for awhile PP but the longer you let it continue, the less normal it becomes. I don't have twins so I'm sure that makes it worse but intimacy is an important part of a marriage. I don't think you're doomed to break up but it certainly wouldn't hurt to schedule some time to focus on your marriage...whether that means sex or doing something else together. And even if you do have to schedule sex, that's okay too--like PP, I always have a good time even if I wasn't really in the mood to start.

Figure out what time of day you feel best and then try to work sex into that time of day. My H works 3 PM-11:30 PM and comes home around midnight. Usually I am passed out cold but even if I'm awake, I am beyond exhausted at that time. But I feel good in the mornings so when LO goes down for her morning nap, I get back into bed with H. I know its hard to find alone time with one so with two it is probably near impossible but I don't think you'll regret it!

Dreamsicle23 · July 2011

I think you are normal, but I agree with PPs. You need to step it up for the sake of your relationship. I make it a point to never turn down DH unless I'm sick or have AF (he's not after me every day or anything, though) and I also make sure I initiate if we haven't done the deed in a while. Even though sometimes I'm not in the mood, I never find myself thinking, "You know, I wish I had less sex with my husband."

Kitiara5512 · July 2011

From all the people who post on here, sounds like you are not normal in that you want it and want it more often than you get it and that you actually get some.

StefB28 · July 2011

Moms of multiples or singletons... totally normal. Some people's dry spell lasts longer than others and just because other posters have gotten back in the groove before you guys have doesn't make you "abnormal."

We're averaging about once a month and we're both fine with that for now. (We got pregnant with DS#2 on the 4th or 5th time we'd had sex after DS#1 was born-- having a 10 month old, being 6 months pregnant, work and DH in grad school out of state makes two very tired people.)

Do we wish we had sex more often? Sure. But honestly, both of us really enjoy our alone time to decompress after a long day and most nights that wins over sex. Our marriage is not in trouble, we're happy and we communicate well...that's what's most important.

I have full confidence that we'll get back to a more regular healthy sex life with time & since I know that DH is fine with where we are, I don't waste time worrying about it. Perhaps try to focus on getting back to your normal, not PPs.

hayatiggs · July 2011

I'm right there with you, except I work also, more than 40 hours a week, and my husband's work schedule keeps him out of town 3-5 days at a time. For us, there is no way to "schedule" time. It's hard with a baby/babies this age. So don't feel abnormal.. just work on getting to a place that you and your husband are comfortable with. And don't let any of the other posters here tell you that you are not normal..

And I just want to add that while sex may be an important part of a relationship, it is not the ONLY thing that makes a relationship successful. There have been numerous amounts of couple who could not, for any number of reasons, could not have sex and had successful relationships.

astroMom · July 2011

very normal...it's probably been <10 since DS got here and you had TWINS! It's a lot more fun lately, though, so get back in the saddle!

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