Intro & question
Hi. I've been lurking for a couple of years now & thought that it's time to introduce myself.
I'm a stepmom to a great 10 year old girl. Her mother is pretty unstable.(I know, I know, almost every step-parent says that about the birth-parent especially the BM.) It is in the CO that she must stay under a doctor's care for her mental health. She has been married & divorced numerous times (DH was 1st) and is currently on the cusp of her 6th engagement. She also has issues with lying about anything & everything - big or small.
So that leads me to my question. How do you deal with it when a parent or step-parent lies to the child? I'll give an example of the most recent occurance & how I handled it. SD went to camp a couple of weeks ago & when DH & I picked her up one of the 1st things she said when she got in the car was, "Mom didn't send me any letters." Oh, it just broke my heart. I know that BM had the address so that's not an excuse.
Fast forward a week & SD is sitting at the kitchen island talking to me while I cook supper. She tells me that her Mom, boyfriend & grandmother all wrote her letters while she was at camp & sent them to her mom's house to read when she got home. I told SD that was so nice & asked her if she enjoyed reading all of the letters. She told me that her mom hasn't given them to her. 
OK, so now I know that BM lied b/c why would she not give them to SD when she had been with her all that week?? I responded with something along the lines of "oh, ok..." I didn't know how to respond other than that. I'm sure SD knows that her Mom's explanation doesn't add up. Should I have said something along the lines of, "I'm sure she'll give them to you soon" but isn't that validating the lie? I felt like I was in a lose/lose situation. If I answered one way I was condoning it but by answering the other I felt like SD knew I was thinking that her Mom is a big, fat liar. UGH!
How would you have handled it?
Re: Intro & question
We deal with this all the time - big and small. I would have responded just as you did. Your SD will eventually figure things out - if she hasn't already and for you to point out the lie or validate the lie - would put you in the middle.
Sometimes my SS will actually come out and ask me if something is a lie and I usually try to bring it back to him - "what do you think, buddy?" or "Well, I wasn't there when you talked to Mom, so you are going to have to think about how you feel, and trust your feelings."
We have SS seeing a counselor now and it is really helping him cope with the conflict between his parents and how to deal with the inconsistencies in his life with his Mom.
I agree with Banana. I try not to bad mouth SD's mom because that tends to backfire. Luckily, BM and I get along. I think it's a real shame that she felt the need to lie to her. I am so glad she has you in her life as a stable, loving mother figure.
We still wonder what BM has to say to SD because I know she's had to wonder what happened between mommy and daddy. DH is pretty sure BM has put the blame on him but in reality, she left him for a co-worker that she is now married to. We still struggle with what to say when the question comes up. DH has had to bite his tongue many times because he doesn't feel she needs to know all those details at this age.
But I wish you and your SD all the best. As I said I glad she has you and I can only pray that one day her mother with realize what she's doing to her child.
Best of luck to you. I hope I was somewhat helpful.
Thank you all so much for the advice. I try to never say anything negative about BM around SD - I've almost drawn blood biting my tongue so much. I especially like the advice on asking the child what they think of the situation or saying that you weren't there & asking how they felt about it. Both of those suggestions really open up the opportunity for a productive dialogue.
It's nice (but kind of sad too) to know that there are others that dealt with this same issue.
Thanks again.
We went through a big phase of lying when I first started dating SO. He had to be hospitalized for a short time due to some unexpected drug interactions and BM told all the kids that it was my fault and that if Daddy died it would be because of me. It took him MONTHS to get out of them what was wrong/why they didn?t like me (I don?t live with them so thankfully I didn?t have to address it myself) but once he finally did, he was able to tell them again what really happened and focused on all the good things that they knew about me and had done with me. He didn?t come right out and say ?Mommy is a liar? but did tell them that she was misinformed and since he was the one that was actually there that he had a better idea of what was going on. I don?t know if this will really help in your situation but I wanted you to know you?re not alone! Good luck and welcome to the board!
Thanks you for this!