argh! my mother!!! - venting!!!

fabfive · July 2011

i knew this was coming...today she started asking what i am doing with my older kids when i am in the hospital. she was fishing for me to say, "well mom you're going to drive down here to stay with them, right?!" which is sooooooo not the case!!!

first of all, the last time i gave birth, she and my dh had a MAJOR incident with her trying to control what he did with our baby. that didn't fly with him and it shouldn't have...he was putting the baby to bed in his crib. my mom wanted to walk around and hold him. i side with my dh on that one. second, she lives 3 hours away...so apparently i'm supposed to hold off my l&d visit to give her time to drive here to care for our twins. i informed her that my aunt (who lives 10 minutes away) will be watching them while i deliver and then my dh will care for them while i am in the hospital. we are trying to have as little disruption in their routine as possible and my mom turns everything into a circus! we want time to bond as a family and to make sure they are okay with everything (new baby, starting at a new school around my due date...). i really don't think this is unreasonable, but of course, it hurt her feelings and made her mad that she didn't get her way.

so, i was not prepared to have this conversation today and it didn't go well. but no matter how it was laid out for her, i don't think it would have gone well anyway...

i am so over both of our families being annoying!!!!!!! my in-laws have nothing to do with our kids because they don't like me and my mom & sister are selfish and create drama when they don't get their way. wondering when they will understand that at almost 40, i can control my own life just fine?!?!

sorry to ramble, but they are darn frustrating!

yankeebear · July 2011

Sorry you are dealing with all of this. I just wanted to say that I can relate. I have a very crazy, annoying mother also. I prefer to go on with my life without any interference from her. You just need to put your foot down and not care if she gets her feeling hurt. That is her choice.

CheezeFace · July 2011

sigh....mothers.

I totally get how frustrated you are. Family dynamics can be so difficult to navigate sometimes. I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well with your Mom but you are doing what you think is best for your family. On some level she understands that, I'm sure.

Take her willingness to be there, to help (even if it isn't much actual help) and to love on your kids as a good thing. Many grandmothers (your ILs included) won't do anything for their grandkids. Maybe express to her that you are so grateful that she is willing to do this and you appreciate her efforts.

Can you find another way for her to be involved that requires minimal interaction with your DH? Maybe you could ask her to prepare some of your favorite family meals to keep in your freezer? Or maybe you could invite her down once you are home from the hospital so there is a buffer between her and DH?

Peppernut · July 2011

Grar! That would make me nuts!

fabfive · July 2011

CheezeFace:
sigh....mothers.

I totally get how frustrated you are. Family dynamics can be so difficult to navigate sometimes. I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well with your Mom but you are doing what you think is best for your family. On some level she understands that, I'm sure.

Take her willingness to be there, to help (even if it isn't much actual help) and to love on your kids as a good thing. Many grandmothers (your ILs included) won't do anything for their grandkids. Maybe express to her that you are so grateful that she is willing to do this and you appreciate her efforts.

Can you find another way for her to be involved that requires minimal interaction with your DH? Maybe you could ask her to prepare some of your favorite family meals to keep in your freezer? Or maybe you could invite her down once you are home from the hospital so there is a buffer between her and DH?

thanks for this insight. i usually forget that she is trying to be a good grandma (deep down). the plan (that i never got around to telling her, because i was so out of it this morning when we talked) was to have her and the rest of my family come down once the baby & i are home. ugh.

tinydancingqueen · July 2011

I can relate, totally there with you. Yes, mom or MIL may be trying to help, but the more they force their way instead of listening to you and you husband and taking your direction, the more turmoil they cause. And as suggested, i've tried reasoning with my mom many times in attempting to open up honest, truthful and straightforward conversation on what my needs are and being clear on how she can help, but it only provokes her to shut down even more and force her way. Just trying to talk to her about it makes it worse, as she is hypersensitive and has no ability to separate her hurt feelings from the fact we really appreciate her effort and want her help, just not the way she wants to help. So mom's on 'restriction' until she and i can talk without my blood pressure going through the roof. I just realized that mom is mom and as far as she is concerned there is no reasonable compromise in her mind. There might never be a good solution for us, except keeping it civil and not expecting any different from her than what her history has proven. Good luck to you, and i hope you and DH can find a some peace in the midst of all the motherly chaos.

bridgeybride · July 2011

fabfive:
CheezeFace:

sigh....mothers.

I totally get how frustrated you are. Family dynamics can be so difficult to navigate sometimes. I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well with your Mom but you are doing what you think is best for your family. On some level she understands that, I'm sure.

Take her willingness to be there, to help (even if it isn't much actual help) and to love on your kids as a good thing. Many grandmothers (your ILs included) won't do anything for their grandkids. Maybe express to her that you are so grateful that she is willing to do this and you appreciate her efforts.

Can you find another way for her to be involved that requires minimal interaction with your DH? Maybe you could ask her to prepare some of your favorite family meals to keep in your freezer? Or maybe you could invite her down once you are home from the hospital so there is a buffer between her and DH?

thanks for this insight. i usually forget that she is trying to be a good grandma (deep down). the plan (that i never got around to telling her, because i was so out of it this morning when we talked) was to have her and the rest of my family come down once the baby & i are home. ugh.

I'm glad you see this.. even though she drives you crazy.. she just wants to help and like you said.. deep down.. wants to be a good grandma.. Not to make you feel guilty or bad.. but you are lucky to have your mom (and a MIL).. my mom passed away 8 years ago and I'd give anything to have her be here with me. Being pregnant.. becoming a mother myself.. hormones.. etc.. make me miss her even more than I ever did. Bernadette is named for her.. looks JUST like her.. has a similar personality.. which is bittersweet. My MIL lives in LA and is so self-involved. She has seen B maybe 5 times in her almost 20 months...she "tries" to help, but really can't/doesn't.. the woman has had a housekeeper for 50 years and had a nanny for her own kids. Last time she came.. she messed up our dryer (doesn't know how to do laundry).. burned dinner.. tried to "re-organize" our basement.. (moved all my stuff around...) and completely insulted me by telling me she was so worried that I had gained so much weight.. and this was after my miscarriage that she didn't know about and right when I got pregnant and we weren't telling yet . So.. consider yourself lucky. I also take it as it is.. I will let her shower my children with LOVE.. bc she is the only grandma my kids will ever know.

argh! my mother!!! - venting!!!

Re: argh! my mother!!! - venting!!!

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