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First Meeting!
So my boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter but she lives several states away. So I haven't met her yet. Her mom is not the best parent and she says crazy stuff to my BF trying to get a reaction. She's gotten better in the last few months but still says stupid stuff when she gets drunk. Unfortunately my BF never insisted on a custody agreement even though he pays child support. So up until now he has only been able to see her when he goes back to where she lives. He managed to convince her to let his daughter come stay with us for 2 weeks and so far she hasn't backed out. We are picking her up on Friday or Saturday. I am freaking out! I know she's a handful and I hope I can handle it. I don't have any kids yet but I had brothers and sisters. But they never spent weeks with me. Plus I can't stand her mom and I'm worried that she is going to say something stupid when we meet. I would never say anything in front of his daughter, my step-mom did that to me, but it will be hard to keep quite if she mouths off. It's my belief that she doesn't want to be with him necessarily but she realizes that she lost a good thing and doesn't want anyone else to have him. She texts him at all hours of the night and gets pissed when he doesn't answer. Sorry I guess this is kinda turning into a rant. I really want everything to go smoothly with both of them and I'm so nervous!
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Re: First Meeting!
Wow!
Okay first off, it sounds like your SO needs to set boundaries with BM, big time. As in, let her know when it is appropriate to call him or text him, and that contact is to only be regarding his daughter. That's ridiculous, I can't believe he hasn't put his foot down with her about that, that must be extremely frustrating for you.
And I can't believe he doesn't have any visitation arrangement with his daughter! Hopefully that will change, but in the meantime I definitely think you should prepare yourself for a rough 2 weeks. His daughter is only 4 and has never had an extended visit, or apparently any kind of visit, with her father...she's probably going to be completely homesick, so if she's a "handful" I would not be the least bit surprised, since she's not used to being around her own father.
If I were you, I would also let your SO go by himself to pick his daughter up. Not only to avoid contraversy with BM, which is a big NO in front of his daughter, but also so she has some time with her dad alone, it sounds like she does not get that much. I would give them a little space, maybe he could take her out to lunch or something on the way home, and then introduce you when they get home. I would just be friendly and open and definitely not talk about BM in front of her, and plan some activities for both just him and the three of you to do together so she has a fun time while she's with you.
Good luck!
I've brought up the boundaries thing with him but he says that she will freak and not let him talk to his daughter. I can't push when he barely gets to talk to her at all as it is. He wants to try to work out a custody agreement with BM on his own but I know he needs go through an attorney. It's just so expensive.
We have to meet BM in Tennessee to pick up and I don't know if he will want to drive it alone. Even if he does I will be with for the drop off as we are taking her to St. Louis the last few days she's with us and we are going to be leaving from there to drop off. Also, BM says she wants to meet saying she wants to know who is around her daughter. Which I can completely understand but DH is pissed because she brings guys around all the time without him meeting them.
I'm not as worried about once she gets here because even though he doesn't get to see her a lot she is a complete daddy's girl. BM often calls him when she can't "deal" and he has to calm DH down. I am concerned because BM says she doesn't like to sleep alone. BM lives with her parents and older daughter so I'm assuming not a lot of space and DH sleeps with her. I'm just hoping maybe sleeping with the dog will be okay with her. If not I guess we have a bed mate for a couple weeks!
Exactly this. Your SO needs to seriously stop encouraging the drama. If he has an custody arrangement, she can't keep him from him. And before you say "we can't afford a lawyer" - learn from my husband's mistake and get one. You will end up paying out more nad spending more if you don't lawyer up and have a professional help you thru the process and get what is fair for both families, and most important, the child involved.
I wouldn't worry about what the BM says. Who cares. Let her say whatever whackadoodle thing she wants. If you let it bounce of off you and not let her see you lose it any type of way, she'll know she can't rattle you and will be less likely to pull crap in the future. People like her feed off of people they can affect and they are intimidated by calm, cool and collected people who appear in control - so that's what you have to do - appear in control if you don't feel in control.
Well I decided to use my financial aid money to pay the retainer for an attorney. And we will be moving closer to his daughter as soon as I am finished with school.
xmaryrickx: He did live close to her until this past November and he still didn't get to see her unless he was on leave. When he is there she flips if he wants 1 day to spend with his friends that he never gets to see either but she won't let her visit out of their town.
I told him earlier this evening that I know he doesn't want to cause trouble but he has to stand up to her and stop letting her walk all over him. A little background: BM uncle got hit by a train last week. A horrible thing but he thought she was going to use it as an excuse to not let DD come. She texted him tonight and said she had some bad news so he figured here it comes. But she only said her uncle wasn't doing so well. I told him he needed to get a definite answer from BM since we are buying baseball tickets and reserving a place to stay when we go to St Louis and if she's not coming then we wouldn't do all that. So he called BM and let her know and she says something major would have to happen for DD not to come. So for now it's all good. I'm hoping that's a sign of her growing up some and realizing he is her parent too.
I completely agree with this. I have been trying to tell him this from day 1 but he is so laid back and a let's not rock the boat kind of person that he didn't want to make things worse. But now I can see the toll all this is taking on him and he's getting depressed so it's happening because I can't stand to see him like this anymore.
This!
Maybe you should stop being negative. I don't hate anyone but aside from that you have no idea all the *** she has put us through. And I'd like to know when I was negative about DDs behavior. I expressed concern about my ability to handle her as I don't have any kids. I think you need get a life. Talking trash to people on the internet is sleezy. Grow up.
Lynn, please read what I am about to say with an open mind before getting defensive.
Most fo the women on this board have been on here for a good long while. We are StepMoms, Biological Moms with shared custody and for some BOTH. We have learned a ton from each other.
But the biggest lesson, is that there are always THREE sides to every story. Yours, Hers and somewhere in middle, the truth. That is not to say that YOUR side is a lie or not valid.
However, from HER perspective, her side is valid (ie she does what she does not from a malicious intent, but because she thinks its the right thing to do).
Little Jen was just trying to impart that bit of wisdom on you.
Case in point, while she more than likelly was controling in the beginning (ie not letting him see SD regularly) NOW, not having had long term interaction and then forcing SD to see her father IS worrisome. She will be overwhelmed, cranky, testy, nasty, and above all clingy.
Even a half-assed mother will know that and want to mitigate that. So she will be less than willing to send her DD to her father.
YES, BM created the situation to begin with. But now she could be reacting from a purely genuind place.
BECAUSE WE DO NOT KNOW THE FULL BACK STORY, we can only reply to what you write, based on our personal experiences both in our own situations AND from what we learned here.
Little Jens, response to you was not a condemnation of YOU, but a helpful hint so you could go into this visitation with an open mind and heart and make it the best it could be.
Please recognize this.
Are you kidding me, your all over the place with this post.
You said the child was a handful but you have never met her. That would be a negative statement especially about a child you never met before.
You can?t stand her mother and feel she is a bad parent. Why is she a bad parent?
He never pushed for a custody arrangement for his child even though he pays child support. He is supposed to pay child support. Support and visitation have nothing to do with each other.
A 4yr old should not have to sleep in a bed with her father and a strange woman she has never met. If she is uncomfortable sleeping alone then you should sleep with the dog and leave her to sleep with her father.
^ This on top of all the other advice given.
As for the co-sleeping thing, having SD sleep with you and her father could be an issue. I also suggest you leaving the sleep equation.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
No. Speaking of boundaries, financial aid is for YOUR school. Until you're married don't begin shelling out money for your boyfriend's responsibilities. His relationship with his daughter right now is his to work out. Focus on getting through school and your relationship with bf. Once you're engaged or married then you can work on helping your bf financially with his daughter
AGREED! Especially don't do this for someone "laid back". You do this, he will expect it. This is HIS responsibility.
Okay SM's...I'm going to say this again.... and I'm saying it to everyone who is doing this because I've seen a lot of this on this board lately. LET YOUR HUSBAND DEAL WITH THE BM AND THE LEGAL RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE CO. When you a start getting involved and all up in it, it is SO easy for them to just hand over the reins. Quit. It. Men are perfectly capapable of handling this. Support them. Advise them of your opinion. But stay out of this business.
Agreed, big time! +j+k+ is oh so wise
Totally agreed with this. With a CO in place your BF can set boundaries without this fear of BM retaliating by trying to keep his daughter away from him.
Also, Littlejen wasn't being nasty to you. Your OP was all over the place including saying you know your BF's daughter is a handful. Welllll she's 4 years old. Kids that age can be a handful, sure. Just relax and go into it as open minded as you can. Don't be surprised or take it personally if the little girl doesn't take to you immediately.
It is very clear you o not like the BM. It is also clear that you have been told she is a handful - that is a negative thought. I am not saying you are horrible for your thoughts and I am not saying you had the child, I am saying to stop thinking negatively or you will set yourself up for failure. Like others said, this is actually good advice. And while you can make fun of me for it (I do myself), like Ilumine said, we have been here for a very long time and have seen people make mistakes, just trying to point them out before you make them too.
Um I agree with this!
But if you do get all up in his business and 'take over' and 'help' him by doing everything for him, know that you are not alone
Honestly take this advice, I didn't, and we are current hot mess.